Winterbeast (1986).
“There’s no danger up here, just some assholes who are making it!”
Directed by Christopher Thies
Written by Christopher Thies
Starring Tim R. Morgan, Mike Magri, Charles Majka, a few others who you’ve never seen before and won’t see again, and Play-doh.
The Stage.
Weird stuff is going on in the woods around the Wild Goose ski lodge. Three cops are investigating the happenings, but the owner of the lodge refuses to shut down for the winter because it’s bad for business. Unfortunately for the visitors, the Native American curse that haunts the area is bad for everyone.
The Review.
This movie is wild. It feels like something my friends and I could have shot in high school if we had a summer to mess around and access to a couple of adults for the lead roles that would happily take beer and naps as payment.
I’ve seen movies that were low budget before, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Blu-ray released for anything produced with the budget line listed as, “Whatever you can find in the couch cushions and on your walk to the set.” Actors are regularly flubbing lines which were just kept in the film anyway, the creature just changes wildly from scene to scene, and the editing is atrocious. All this to say, the movie is oddly endearing simply because of how small scale it feels.
The creature effects are insane. They range from people in costumes to full on stop motion claymation. In one scene, a topless damsel in distress looks out of her cabin window and the next, we cut to a claymation version of what I can only describe as Dollar General Groot, who reaches into the window, pulls out a Play-Doh version of the topless woman, and smacks her into the side of a clay house with a thud. I have seen student films that put this one to shame in regards to the production value. There are also full scenes with the music track going where you can see people speaking but you can’t hear anyone speaking, as if they forgot to layer that audio back in.
The story is one you’ve seen a million times, heck, we just kind of saw a similar story in my recent review of The Fear. Curses have been done to death and there’s nothing new in the story here. The characters are all horrendous actors but the guy who plays the lodge owner is particularly funny. If you’ve seen Wet Hot American Summer, I have to believe that Michael Showalter had somehow seen this and channeled the performance into his turn as the comedian who kicks off the camp talent show, because it is spot on what this dude was doing. Like I said, actors are misspeaking and flubbing lines and they’re just left in - at one point I had to rewind a bit to make sure I wasn’t going crazy.
The End.
Winterbeast is fascinating simply because it was released. As rough as everything is, there’s a quality about it that’s really fun to watch because you literally have no idea what’s coming next. The monster is a claymation alien one minute, and the next it’s a skull (that’s clearly a puppet) bursting out of somoene’s chest or a dinosaur clawing the top of a house. I find it impressive that the filmmakers just didn’t care and used whatever they had access to.
This one will be tough to find on its own. Vinegar Syndrome released this as part of their Homegrown Horrors set, and unfortunately, this is the best of the bunch. The disc is absolutely packed with special features (of which I have not yet been able to dive in) and it’s crazy that they were able to get some of these folks back for interviews because they’ve never been in anything else.
The Mitchells vs. The Machines (2021).
“Behold! The twilight of man!”
Directed by Mike Rianda and Jeff Rowe
Written by Mike Rianda and Jeff Rowe
Starring Abbi Jacobson, Danny McBride, Maya Rudolph, Mike Rianda, and the iRobots
The Stage.
A dysfunctional, argumentative family finds themselves needing to work together after a tech designer accidentally ignites the robot apocalypse. It’s basically a kid’s version of the first day of Skynet becoming sentient.
The Review.
When you have a three year old, you jump on Netflix and you just scroll through a bevy of films, but once one catches your kid’s eye, to quote Kyle Reese from the above mentioned Terminator, it can’t be bargained with, it can’t be reasoned with, it doesn't feel pity or remorse or fear, and it absolutely will not stop... EVER, until he’s watching Puppy Pals! So when The Mitchells vs The Machines caught his eye, I didn’t have high hopes…and then I saw the producers. Our savior Lord and Miller! Purveyors of great films like Into the Spider-Verse and The Lego Movie? Could they come through again?
Heck yeah they did. This movie rules. I had so much fun with this film, way more than my kid did. There’s a lot here to love, every part of this film works. The characters are fantastic and full of life, even down to the dog. The music is great. The animation is beautiful and varied with a unique style reminiscent of Into The Spider-Verse, but still it’s own. The story is a grand adventure that builds in scope. If you’ve seen a kids film before, you’ll know where it’s heading, but the ride is so fun and has a lot of unexpected twists. It’s funny - like, really funny, to the point that I was hard laughing at several parts, and as you’d expect, it’s got a ton of heart. Simply put, this movie is amazing. I’m not sure if I like it more than Into the Spider-Verse, but it’s close. Mike Rianda and Jeff Rowe wrote and directed the film and I cannot wait to follow them to see what they come up with next.
The End.
What else can I say about The Mitchells vs. The Machines? It has something for everyone. It even has a Kill Bill reference for Lord’s sake. If you have kids, watch it with the family. If you don’t, watch it anyway. It’s hard to imagine this not being in my top 10 at the end of the year.
The Cellar (1989).
“He’s watering a damn tractor.”
Directed by Kevin Tenney
Written by some guy who never wrote again but produced four porn movies
Starring Patrick Kilpatrick, Chris Miller, Suzanne Savoy, a baby, and an indian who waters tractors
The Stage.
This creature doesn’t even have a back half.
The Cashen family buys a house in the middle of nowhere not knowing that an Indian put a curse on the place a long time ago that makes snot bubble up out of the ground and created a mutated warthog that chills in the cellar. Willy, their young son who looks like he was yanked directly from the back page of a 1988 Mervyns catalog, tries to make everyone understand that there’s a monster in the house…but by the time they believe him, will it be too late?
The Review.
Me, trying not to turn this off 30 minutes in.
Can you imagine how boring being stuck in the middle of the Texas desert with nothing to do but watch the sand blow around would be? My guess is that it would be just as entertaining as watching The Cellar. I’ve been underwhelmed with many of Vinegar Syndrome’s recent releases but this one was absolutely painful to get through.
None of the characters are interesting. Patrick Kilpatrick plays Mance, the patriarch of the family who’s dealing with the fact that he never sees his kid because he works somewhere drilling for oil or something. He looks like the stunt double for WCW’s Psycho Sid, but at least Sid had some skills on the stick. Mance is just plain dull. His wife is essentially useless and is more used as a baby-holding mechanism once in a while. Willy is your typical annoying “gee-whiz” kid that you’ll hate right off the bat because he likes the Houston Astros, and the other side characters that pop in and out are generally forgettable save for Tommy Boatwright, a teen who probably wasn’t written as someone that’s mentally challenged, but certainly acts like it. Luckily Tommy’s not on screen much, but when he is, you’ll have to fight the urge to turn your TV off. Speaking of, wait until Mance goes to a general store to buy a literal zip-loc bag of like 18 bullets, and you meet the store clerk, who delivers this gem:
“I’ll bet I know what those are for, I bet I do! You’re gonna go huntin’, right? You’re gonna go huntin’!”
And yes, that girl is running a cash register.
I was really hoping for a double knockout in this scene.
Now, I’ll be honest, I was glossing over with boredom about thirty minutes into this pile of shit, so I don’t know if the rules of this Indian curse just soared right over my head, but I’m going to give it a shot anyway. Long ago, an Indian put a curse on the land or the house or something, and if you take a spear out of the ground, bubbly goo starts to come out. It also comes out of the floorboards in the house once in a while, which is weird because there’s a cellar underneath the floorboards, but who cares. There’s also a warthog thing in the basement that isn’t really effective anyway but it comes out once in a while. The creature design is fine, but we only see the front half of it because it’s clearly a person crawling around in a suit. It can also hang out underwater I guess. If you’re gearing up with an email response to explain it all to me, don’t, because I don’t care.
The End.
omg it’s finally over
This movie was hot garbage. I saw a lot of excitement online about this one and I just do not understand it. It’s boring, has very little gore, uninteresting characters, an unremarkable setting, and it just isn’t fun.
The disc looks good and it has a commentary, but the most interesting feature on the disc is making-of documentary called, “From Chicken Shit to Chicken Salad”. I guess I’m still looking for the salad, because all I see…is shit.
All-American Murder (1991).
“It was the look of a man whose soul had been raped.”
Directed by Anson Williams
Written by Barry Sandler
Starring Charlie Schlatter, Christopher Walken, Josie Bissett, and an inept police force
The Stage.
“Not sure if people are going to understand how much he likes snakes unless we literally paint on on him.”
Artie likes snakes, fire, and drawing. Someone burned his dorm room and it was pinned on him, so he’s kicked out of school. Luckily, his powerful father has given him one more chance, and ships him to the prestigious Fairfield Academy, where he fucks the Dean’s wife and meets Tally, the love of his life, all on his first day. Unfortunately for Artie, someone burns the girl of his dreams alive and frames him for the murder, giving him and Christopher Walken a limited amount of time to uncover who the real killer is at a school where no one is who they seem to be.
The Review.
Early 90’s Josie Bissett was…*chef’s kiss*
All-American Murder feels like a little ode to the Italian Giallo film; it’s got all of the stereotypes: inane plot twists, plenty of red herrings, ladies in distress, and a killer pair of black gloves murdering people that you don’t see attached to an actual body until the final moments of the film. Alas, not all love letters are good love letters.
This isn’t in the bottom rung of Vinegar Syndrome titles but what keeps it a cut above crap like Rush Week and The Cellar is the tête-à-tête between Artie and Detective Decker. Charlie Schlatter, who plays Artie, has plenty of charisma and that was essential to this film because he has to deliver some of the stupidest dialogue I’ve ever heard uttered on the silver screen. Lines like, “You’re one sly banana” left me in a state of confusion normally reserved for 17th century farmers learning about Bitcoin. We’re led to believe he’s some kind of social misfit just because he wears shorts and a beret and sports the Raising Arizona Nic Cage hairdo, but he has the personality that suggests that he’d be one of the more popular class clowns in any other late 80’s/early 90’s teen comedy. He’s less like a Bender or an Allison Reynolds and more like Ducky. Painting him as some outcast loser was certainly unearned.
Basically the face I made whenever Walken read one of his lines from this screenplay.
The back and forth between Artie and Walken’s Decker was actually pretty fun considering the words they’re saying aren’t half as smart and quippy as the screenplay thinks it is. Christopher Walken is just doing Christopher Walken, a fast talking, edgy cop who doesn’t appear to be very good at his job but everyone in the movie thinks he’s some kind of fucking Perry Mason. The first time we get to see him on-screen, he arrives at a hostage negotiation in which a man has the knife to the neck of a pregnant woman, and he goes off-script to agitate the man, putting her and her babies lives in danger. Josie Bissett plays Tally, the woman murdered to kick everything off. She was absolutely wonderful in a small role as the charming and beautiful All-American picture of perfection.
The middle of the film is a bit of a snoozer as Artie starts realizing that many people could have been the murderer, who just happens to be two steps ahead with each destination. The police force is zero help and seems to treat the campus’s chaos with the same speed and sleuthing skill as the rent-a-cop currently sleeping somewhere in his car in the middle of your closest Dollar Tree shopping center parking lot. The last third of the film is when things ramp up quite a bit. The kills are all pretty lame save for one poor sap who gets an inexplicably insane death in which the killer enters the room where the man is working out, rigs him up Saw style so that he cannot free his hands, and drops a grenade into his pants. Why does the killer have access to a live grenade? We don’t know. Why couldn’t the killer just strangle him? Again, who knows. It was inventive though, I’ll give it that. The reason the mystery killer is butchering people is complete stupidity, but in a movie filled with stupid, you’ll already be numbed by dumb once it’s revealed.
How did he fit this monstrosity in his little Volkswagon and what the hell does he expect her to do with it?
From a filmmaking aspect, there’s nothing special in All-American Murder. Scenes are filmed in a very close, claustrophobic fashion and the editing is a mess, which are both pretty typical of lower budget straight to Blockbuster early 90’s flicks. This was the directorial debut from Anson Williams, more well known as Pretty Boy Potsie Weber on Happy Days and written by Barry Sandler, and you know how I feel about the last name Sandler.
The End.
All-American Murder has a strong enough lead that it becomes watchable, despite how stupid everything is. The dialogue feels like it belongs in a different film, the twists that the movie starts tossing at you non-stop make no sense, and you’ll figure out who the killer is in no time. Fortunately, it’s just fun enough that it just floats a little bit higher than the crap you’ll sometimes find at the bottom of your monthly Vinegar Syndrome package.
The disc looks great, again cleaned up to perfection by the VS crew scanning and restoring in 2k from the 35mm interpositive. We get a commentary track with The Hysteria Continues! which I have not yet listened to, an interview with Charlie Schlatter called “Being on a Team” (for some reason…) and “A Valuable Experience”, an interview with the cinematographer Geoffrey Schaaf.
The Hidden (1987)
“Oh boy, we’re talking spacemen here?”
Directed by Jack Sholder
Written by Jim Kouf
Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Michael Nouri, Claudia Christian, Clarence Felder, and fast cars
The Stage.
An alien being has come to planet Earth with only two goals - to listen to rock music and go on crime sprees. It does this by taking over peoples bodies, upgrading to new hosts when necessary. A cop and a weird FBI agent are on the case, trying to figure out why normal, law abiding citizens are going nuts all of a sudden.
The Review.
Late 80’s sci-fi movies can be very hit or miss, especially when you get to the Blockbuster bottom shelf style titles, but The Hidden is actually pretty great. For starters, the film never slows down. It plants us directly into the middle of a bank heist via CCTV as a man with a shotgun starts blowing people away. He then calmly walks to a Ferrari parked out front and pops in a rock cassette before smashing the gas and all of a sudden, we’re in a car chase. This alien being wants to have fun causing chaos, it’s like it’s straight out of the Grand Theft Auto video game series. The film rarely slows down from this breakneck pace as the alien jumps from body to body, inhabiting everyone from middle aged men to a stripper. With a plot as bizarre as this, it would be easy to bungle the ending, but the final act of this film is awesome. As I mentioned before, the film never really takes it’s foot off the gas, but it really turns it up to eleven in the last twenty minutes.
The main cop is the least interesting part of the film, which holds it back from truly being great. He’s boring and sort of mean spirited, making the payoff near the end of the film fall a bit short. I think it would have been great to see a different dynamic at play. Kyle MacLachlan plays Lloyd Gallagher, an FBI agent who inserts himself into the investigation. He’s awkward and weird, but clearly knows more than the cops about what’s going on. I thought his character was endearing in a unique way as the sweater started to unravel and you finally realize what’s going on.
The End.
The Hidden was an awesome sci-fi surprise that’s easy to recommend. The film is pretty smart despite it’s bonkers concept, looks great, has cool music, awesome cars, and the action just never lets up. This film is a blast.
Mortal Kombat (2021).
“The word ‘combat’ isn’t even spelled right.”
Directed by first-timer Simon McQuoid
Written by the same screenwriter that wrote Wonder Woman 1984 (yeeeeeeeesh)
Starring Lewis Tan, Jessica McNamee, Josh Lawson, Joe Taslim, and CGI blood
Spoilers for Mortal Kombat incoming.
The Stage.
Welcome to Mortal Kombat, a tournament between realms with very strict rules that no one follows or enforces. For some reason, if a realm wins ten in a row, they take over Earth or something, so it’s up to all of your favorite Mortal Kombat characters and Cole Young, a charisma-free mid-card MMA fighter that you’d be nervous putting a few bucks on to save Earth.
The Review.
I’ve played Mortal Kombat for years. My dad bought us our first Mortal Kombat game on the Sega Genesis, back when you had to call the Sega hotline to get the “blood code”. I was never tournament-level good, but I could hold my own at the arcade with the first two games. I played pretty heavily up through the N64 games, so I’m very familiar with the series and was genuinely excited for this new iteration, one that promised amazing fights, the characters we know and love, and of course, buckets of gore.
The film starts with a bang as the Lin Kuei clan massacres their rival faction, leading to our first fight scene between the men who would become Scorpion and Sub-Zero. It’s bloody (CGI blood, but better than nothing) and the action is pretty cool. I was excited…then we meet Cole Young.
Cole Young, dressed in his ceremonial garb of plot armor and Lulu Lemon dress pants.
The Mortal Kombat franchise has nearly 100 characters to choose from to build a story around, yet in this film, we follow Cole Young, a character with the spark of a bag of flour and fighting skills that might be good enough to compete in the Rex Kwon Do dojo. He sucked. His story sucked. He comes from the lineage of Scorpion - we’ve got the perfect setup for him becoming the new Scorpion…and then as his powers manifest, it turns out his actual power is…plot armor? Seriously, your plot was already there with Sonya Blade! Have her be the main character, heading towards this tournament without powers, on her quest to receive powers. I’ve heard the studio wanted an Asian lead actor…awesome! You have two great ones in Liu Kang and Kung Lao - develop one of them! Must have been a scenario where they wanted an Asian lead…but not that Asian. Instead, we’re left with the human equivalent of beige and his journey to save the world with his middling fight skills and his Vibranium Wakanda armor.
I know, I know, Mortal Kombat shouldn’t be about the story, it should be about the fights. Unfortunately, most of the fights were short, chopped up messes with some fatalities thrown in. Seriously, what the fuck happened with the editing in this film? It feels like half of the movie was shot during reshoots. Scenes don’t connect, characters jump positions, in one scene, they clearly just removed a fight scene between Shang Tsung and Mileena and it looks so weird. Some of the fatalities are cool, namely Kung Lao using his hat as a buzzsaw and Sub-Zero ripping off Jax’s arms, but others were disappointing. How can you show us the famous Mortal Kombat Pit level and not use the pit in an interesting way!? That whole sequence felt really weird when they split everyone up, as if they were saying, “Okay nerds, here’s two minutes of Mortal Kombat stuff”. The special effects during the fights were pretty good, especially Sub-Zero’s ice powers. Freezing someone’s blood to immediately stab them with it was an amazing moment.
I’ve seen a lot of love for Kano online, I thought he was overly annoying to the point that I just wanted him to bite it as soon as possible. Unfortunately I’m sure we haven’t seen the end of him. Raiden was horribly miscast, and many of the other characters just weren’t very interesting. Kabal stood out to me as one of the highlights, as he was one of my favorite characters to play as in Mortal Kombat III. Kung Lao was great too.
In any video game adaptation, there’s going to be a level of fan service. Unfortunately, most of those moments felt very forced and unnatural. Kano yelling, “Kano wins.” after tearing out the heart of a lizard was particularly cringeworthy, as was Kung Lao proclaiming, “Flawless victory.” The worst of course comes from Scorpion, as the man who can only speak Japanese says in perfect English, “Get over here!”. The better moments were those that felt like you had to be an actual fan to spot, like Shinnok’s amulet or Kitana’s fan. The best of course, happens during the Liu Kang/Kano fight when he spams the leg sweep. That took me straight back to the arcade.
The End.
Mortal Kombat was a mess, and it’s unfortunate. It reeks of studio interference, is marred by a lame character and embarrassing editing, and the fight scenes just aren’t good. There will be a sequel, so here’s an idea - hire someone who’s really great at directing fight scenes. Grab Gareth Evans or Chad Stahelski and pay them to do it right. I shouldn’t be pausing HBO Max to see how much time is left because I’m bored while watching a movie that’s based on a fighting game.
I think there’s still an opportunity for a really good Mortal Kombat movie. This one though…this one isn’t it.
Without Remorse (2021).
“A big country needs big enemies.”
Directed by Stefano Sollima
Written by Taylor Sheridan and Will Staples
Starring Michael B. Jordan, Jodie Turner-Smith, Jamie Bell, Guy Pearce, and lots of confusion
Spoilers incoming for Without Remorse. You’ve been warned.
The Stage.
Take a good look, because looking at Michael B. Jordan is the best thing about this film.
Ex-Navy S.E.A.L. John Kelly finds himself incapacitated after an attack on his home that leaves his wife and unborn baby dead. The attack is connected to a previous mission that he and his squad took part in…or is it? Of course nothing is as it seems, because Tom Clancy’s name is slapped on the front of the title.
The Review.
John Kelly and his wife, Exposition Lady.
I’m always excited to see Michael B. Jordan in something because he’s awesome, and this was no different. He’s the best part of the film, getting to flex his acting muscles and his real muscles, and goddamn they’re glorious. Unfortunately, the action isn’t memorable, the script is messy as hell, and the movie just isn’t as clever as it thinks it is.
The action in the first half of the movie is fine. I’m a sucker for military raids and there’s a cool plane crash sequence, but once the team gets to Russia, the big action set piece in an apartment building is just confusing. The grand plan is to get these guys into this apartment building so that they can die, leaving dead US soldiers on Russian soil to look like retaliation for the dead Russian soldiers on US soil. Okay, cool. The CIA, of course double crossing their own people, has three snipers in other buildings and a guy with C4 strapped onto his chest. Why did you need the guy with the bomb? Why not just have the snipers take out a few Navy S.E.A.L.s? And speaking of those snipers, why did the CIA send the three worst snipers to this job? Seriously, these guys couldn’t hit water aiming from the deck of a floating boat. Collectively they probably take 40 shots and deal one hit to a stomach and one to a leg. The ensuing raid by the Russian S.W.A.T. team or military or whatever they are is a big old disaster too. There’s no reasonable way John Kelly should have left that building and the way he got out wasn’t at all interesting.
Oh, and the scene in which John Kelly ambushes a Russian diplomat, lights the car on fire with gasoline, and then gets into the car to get information, only to pop out and be arrested? Seriously? What if the Russian hadn’t said anything? What kind of plan was that?
Light a car on fire and sit in it while it burns around you until you jump out and get caught. Yep, that’s the plan.
The movie thinks it’s just the bees knees with the twists and turns, but it’s not. It positions one of the C.I.A. leads as a questionable presence on the team, expecting the audience to say, “Yep, he must be in on it!” but if you’ve seen any spy movie in the past 100 years, you know that it’s immediately a misdirection. This sleight of hand is even more tipped when you cast Guy fucking Pearce in a role that makes him appear trustworthy. It’s Guy Pearce, OF COURSE HE’S THE BAD GUY.
The last sequence is unbelievably stupid. Kelly has survived and he’s taking Pearce hostage, they’re driving towards his family’s ranch, so Pearce gives up the goods. What’s Kelly’s endgame? It’s to record Pearce confessing to the stuff so that he can be free again and then to kill Pearce to make it look like a suicide, aided by his commanding officer in the S.E.A.L.s. Instead of just driving him to a wooded area and shooting him in the head to make it look like a self-inflicted wound, Kelly drives the SUV off of a bridge, splashing the car into the Potomac. The car sinks, and both men are presumed drowned until it’s revealed that the commanding officer was just waiting down there in a diving outfit. I guess she then switches him into the driver’s seat, and the media assumes that an SUV just crossed through traffic and launched through a guardrail to the water below is somehow a suicide? Then they go attend John’s fake funeral? The latter half of this movie was straight up garbage.
The End.
At least she wasn’t a helpless female. I guess that’s another plus.
The Hunt for Red October, Patriot Games, Clear and Present Danger. The 90’s had some good Tom Clancy movies. What happened? This feels less like a tentpole film for Michael B. Jordan as Clancy’s other non-Jack Ryan character and more like a vehicle that Scott Adkins should have been leading. The script is undeniably stupid and with action that isn’t very memorable, it’s really hard to recommend this film.
Rush Week (1989).
“Death purifies.”
Directed by Bob Bralver
Written by Russell V. Manzatt and Michael W. Leighton
Starring Pamela Ludwig, Dean Hamilton, Roy Thinnes, and an axe
The Stage.
“Finally, she fell down. I was wondering how long I’d have to lazily walk behind her.”
It’s Rush Week at Tambers College, which means pledges are being hazed into fraternities and…having bike races where people sit in bleachers and eat popcorn to see people ride by for less than five seconds. Unfortunately, Rush Week isn’t good for the females at Tambers, because the women who pose nude for the school lunch guy are ending up dead!
The Review.
In terms of being a low budget slasher, this one checks most of the boxes with the exception of gore. There are a few topless women and a good decapitation, but the rest of the kills and the nudity are pretty tame.
The story is something you’ve seen many times before - people are going missing and there are plenty of suspects (the weird ass boyfriend, the jealous rival frat leader, the creepy photographer, an old guy who just shows up a few times in the bushes). Toni, our ‘final girl’, is heading up an investigation to find out who the killer is because she feels she hasn’t been given a chance to be a real journalist (although if you see what she’s typing in her report, it’s probably pretty clear as to why they don’t want her in the journalism program - she’s fucking stupid).
Um…what
As the bodies and red herrings stack up, she becomes a target for the edge of the axe. Again, stuff you’ve seen before. There are references to Nightmare on Elm Street and The Hills Have Eyes, it’s fully aware of the genre it’s trying to fit right into. Unfortunately, there aren’t very many kills in the film. We only see three deaths, and they’re not characters the audience has any attachment to.
The look of the killer isn’t interesting - they’re dressed in a hooded cloak (think: Ghostface from Scream), wear a bizarre mask that I think is supposed to be an old person’s face but isn’t really scary, and they tote a long medieval axe that looks like it came right off of the shelf at the local Spirit Halloween store. They stalk their prey by walking calmly until their running victim slips and falls, ripe for the chopping.
“Look, I know the fraternity that I’m in charge of tricks women into having sex with dead bodies, but I swear I’m not a bad guy.”
Unfortunately, the killer only goes after women. This is a shame, because everyone in the BDB fraternity is full of awful people and I would have loved to see them get picked off one-by-one. In one of the more despicable pranks, they trick a prostitute into having sex with an old man’s corpse. Super funny, guys! I think BDB was intended to be a real lovable Porky’s pack of gents, but ended up just being mean spirited pricks. The whole love story aspect featuring the leader of these dumbasses who we’re supposed to feel sorry for (?) as a man who doesn’t necessarily want to be the head of BDB so he can roast marshmallows and hack computers just did not work for me.
The technical aspects of the film are severely lacking. Once the killer stumbles upon a hapless, fallen female, we get to see three to four cuts of the axe coming down before we abruptly switch to the next shot. No gore, no body. Nothing about the cinematography or scenery looks particularly memorable. The nicest thing I can say here is that the soundtrack was pretty decent.
The End.
Rush Week was a weak entry into the slasher genre right as the craze was on it’s way out in the late 80’s. It doesn’t have enough kills or gore to satisfy fans of the classics. Fans of topless women will probably be satiated, but if you’re here for the story or the deaths, let me save you an hour and a half. The minute we get the ol’ “pull off the mask Scooby Doo” moment, you’ll be rolling your eyes because the killer is both exactly who you expected and even though you knew it was coming, it doesn’t make sense and it’s just plain stupid.
Hitcher in the Dark (1989).
“You know, you’re really cute when you scream.”
Directed by Umberto Lenzi (as Humphrey Humbert)
Written by Olga Pehar
Starring Joe Balogh, Josie Bissett, Jason Saucier, a Winnebago, and some sexy saxophone riffs
The Stage.
An unimposing psychopath with horrid listening skills and worse social skills picks up hot blonde hitchhikers in his daddy’s Winnebago, drugs them, dresses them up like his dead mom, tries to bang them, and then ultimately kills them. When he picks up Daniela, he doesn’t expect that her boyfriend, Kevin, would go on a one man mission to find her. Actually, I didn’t expect that either, since he didn’t seem to want her very much before she got kidnapped.
The Review.
First things first, this title makes zero sense seeing as we only see him pick up two hitchhikers and they’re both in broad daylight. What follows is less like a horror film and more of a psychological drama between the psychotic Mark Glazer and Daniela. It feels less like The Hitcher and more like a very bad version of Psycho.
Daniela is played by Josie Bissett from Melrose Place fame, a woman whose hobbies include dancing at the park and repeatedly bungling escape attempts. The amount of times she tries to escape and then subsequently fails in this film is comical. Her boyfriend Kevin begins a thorough search for campers in America’s party capital…Norfolk, Virginia based on a lead from a dirt bike doo rag who was on acid when he saw her get into it. Oh, and the only reason she was hitchhiking to begin with is because Kevin was trying to bang one of her friends and Daniela angrily broke up with him. I guess sometime that day, he realized that he had lost someone really special, because he doggedly pursuits her, only stopping to stare at some tits when he takes a quick break to check out a wet t-shirt contest at the beach.
Nothing is going to slow Kevin down except tits.
Aside from the hilariously bad dialogue and a few effective moments (including one in which Daniela tries to get someone’s attention outside by knocking a Vodka bottle off of a table as it smashes at the exact moment someone else smashes a window), the film is a slog. It’s a collection of very stupid, “Wow, that was a close one!” moments of civilian and police ineptitude that drifts towards an ending with a final shot that is among the worst filmed final moments I’ve ever seen. I can only imagine the director’s choice in filming the final shot that way. “You know what people who watch movies really want? Pictures!”
Make sure to stay long enough for the moronically out of touch scene in which Kevin decides to break into a camper owned by an African American man and their totally believable fight.
The End.
This movie was a tough one to stomach. It’s a mean-spirited, repetitive slow burn until it finally peters out with a silly-ass twist that you’ll see coming a mile away. Vinegar Syndrome advertised this one as an '“ultra violent mix of suspense thriller and action”. Unfortunately, the disc they sent me seemed to be missing most of the violence and all of the action.
The film looks nice, restored from the 35mm negative, and includes a commentary track with film historians and authors Samm Deighan and Kat Ellinger as well as an archival video interview with the director Umberto Lenzi.
The Rage (1997)
“Fidelity, bravery, integrity. Those are more than just words.”
Directed by Sidney J. Furie
Written by Sidney J. Furie & Greg Mellott
Starring Lorenzo Lamas, Kristen Cloke, Gary Busey, and lots and lots of explosions
The Stage.
FBI Special Agent Nick Travis is trying to catch a deranged serial killer alongside his new partner, Kelly McCord. Their search leads them to the forests of Utah, where the scenery is beautiful and everyone (even the cops) has a Mac-10 for some reason. The pair then has to battle a group of angry Vietnam vets, other officers, and of course, their hormones.
The Review.
Admittedly, I watch a lot of movies that by all quality control standards are flaming piles of shit, but once in a while, you stumble onto some gold. Call me a leprechaun, because that’s what I found with 1997’s The Rage.
From the opening scene, you know this one is going to be a barn burner as the well-dressed, sexist FBI agent Nick Travis (played by Lorenzo Lamas) and his inept band of goofy, overzealous badges try to stop a man in a van from kidnapping a girl. Immediately they open fire on the van with dozens of guns in the middle of a town street as Lamas and his dimwitted partner give chase. His partner keeps shooting from the passenger side of the car as they’re chasing the van through a park filled with young children. Lamas yells, “Be careful of those kids!” but neither one of them gives a fuck, he’s just blasting away. Later on, we see the back of the van and there’s not a bullet hole in it, so who knows where those bullets landed. They chase the van straight into an afternoon rodeo where they allow the van to plow through the crowded bleachers, turning it into a fireball that definitely caused more civilian casualties. That’s the first five minutes of this film.
And Lorenzo Lamas, bless his heart, he’s trying to act and shed tears for his undying love for the FBI, but his range makes it seem less like a devastated man and more like a Cincinnati Bengals fan just watched their team lose again at the end of a two-win season.
Fortunately, we get a flashback to tell us why he’s on the FBI shit list, and it’s amazing.
Shortly after this moment, you realize you don’t care about Lorenzo Lamas’s lack of acting chops, because Gary Busey enters the frame. He plays Art Dacy, an ex-military whacko with a mutilated dick who’s plan is…who knows what his plan is. He’s a Vietnam vet and he’s mad about something. He’s introduced while making out with a woman who wears a variety of wigs and has smeared lipstick all over his face for some reason, as if he was preparing for some kind of Native American ritual.
Then we get a second car chase, as a giant logging flatbed diesel driven by a bootleg version of WCW’s General Rection takes on Lamas and Kelly McCord, his new female Bureau babysitter. The truck blares its horn, completely ruining the art of surprise, but when it smacks the back of Lamas’s car, he says, “What the hell was that?” Probably the big truck you’re staring at in the rear view mirror, Nicholas Travis. It’s amazing he solves any crimes at all with that big brain. During this scene, they even left in a shot with unfilled green screen outside of the car as it goes under the truck Christmas Vacation style. All that said, this scene is fucking awesome and it ends in a really cool way. This scene starts setting up the relationship between Travis and McCord, which starts as a playful “will they/won’t they” situation and ends as, “just fuck and get it over with already, you kooky kids!”
The rest of the film is a cat and mouse chase as our two Mindhunters try to track down Busey and his pack of yokels, who continuously gain the upper hand on the stupid agents but aren’t good enough to ever finish the job. Busey is in full crazy town mode, with awesome lines like, “The more words you use, the closer to death you are.” and “You want war? I am war, cocked and locked, and a robot!” while hollering about his ability to get a hard on.
A fun game while watching this movie might be trying to calculate Agent Travis’s bullets shot to hit ratio, which is probably less than 1%, since he can’t hit anything (vehicle or human) unless it’s standing directly in front of his gun barrel - and he spits a ton of hot lead in this film. In fact, there’s a scene in which a Jeep Wagoneer is basically doing circles around a cluster of FBI agents who are giving it all they got, but they don’t hit a goddamn thing aside from an innocent bystander’s car that flies into a trailer home and presumably wins a giant lawsuit somewhere down the line.
Basically my face (both of them) while watching this movie.
The last action set piece is a boat chase, because, well…it’s a Lorenzo Lamas movie, and it must be written into his contract. It’s a long chase and it’s honestly pretty fucking sweet. How it ends is utterly bananas and features a man fully engulfed in flames waving an axe around. Face/Off also came out in 1997 and this boat chase is honestly way more entertaining and features less doves. The explosions in this scene (and in the entire movie) are really awesome, and there’s a ton of them.
The End.
This movie was such a blast. It’s filled with all kinds of stupidity, but I was fully entertained the entire time. You could have probably swapped Lorenzo Lamas with a crash test dummy doll and gotten a similar performance but everyone else just left it all on the field. Cloke really tried with the garbage script she was given, but Busey is the real hero here as the dickless psycho.
Nobody (2021).
“Give me the goddamn kitty bracelet, motherfucker!”
Directed by Ilya Naishuller
Written by Derek Kolstad
Starring Bob Odenkirk, Aleksey Serebryakov, Connie Nielsen, and lots and lots of dead Russians
The Stage.
Hutch Mansell, a mild mannered number cruncher for a machinery company, finds himself on the barrel end of a feud with a powerful Russian crime syndicate after he steps in to protect a young woman from the crime boss’s brother.
The Review.
Between Mr. Show, Breaking Bad, and Better Call Saul, I’ve seen a lot of Bob Odenkirk. In all of that time, not once did I ever think to myself, “He’d make an awesome action star.” Well, I’m saying it now - Bob Odenkirk was a fucking badass in Nobody.
Nobody and John Wick would make a perfect double feature (and almost have identical plots). The story is one you’ve seen a thousand times, but that’s not really why you’re watching this film - you’re probably watching for the action, the explosions, the gun play, and there’s loads of that. The film was directed by Ilya Naishuller who also directed the innovative first-person bonanza Hardcore Henry, so going in, you know that the action is going to be top notch.
People are blown up, cars are flipped, arteries are slit, nail bomb are detonated. There’s even a fucking homemade rebar rocket launcher that comes into play. Christopher Lloyd is here too and he has some badass moments as Hutch’s shotgun loving father David. It all looks great too, the cinematography is really great.
After a sweet-ass car chase set to Pat Benetar’s Heartbreaker, the flick charges towards a vicious R-rated Home Alone set-up that had me…and the bad guys…in stitches as they fell into each of Hutch’s carefully produced traps.
It’s hard to critique a movie like this because it’s literally giving you exactly what you paid for, but I guess I would have liked to see more interesting bad guys (or at least more variety). There’s a black Russian that’s in the film for a very short time and I would have liked to see more of him. The whole Russian gang motif has been done the same way a hundred times.
The End.
Nobody is an awesome action romp that fans of the genre will love. It’s like a mashup of Falling Down, John Wick, and History of Violence, so if you like those, there’s your in.
I highly recommend it and cannot wait to add this to the Blu-ray collection.
The Ballerina (2021).
Directed by Aaron Fradkin
Written by Aaron Fradkin
Starring Valeska Miller and Valeska Miller
The Ballerina is a short film about a…you guessed it, ballerina who arrives to practice in a studio by herself and soon realizes that her reflection in the mirror isn’t who it’s supposed to be.
The score by the most amazing band name ever, Robot Disco Puma, adds a layer of tension to the film as the ballerina tries to teach her reflection how to perfect intricate dance moves. Unfortunately, the reflection just isn’t keeping up, and soon realizes that she can affect the person staring back at her in horrifying ways.
It’s a really solid horror short that’s shot very well with some short spurts of body horror that were extremely effective. Unfortunately, this aspect was also ruined a bit for me, as it’s the thumbnail on the YouTube video - it would have been nice to go in not knowing what to expect. It would have been nice to see the reflection really lean on that twist, as the film just goes from zero to one hundred without giving us time to linger on the horror that was taking place…and then it just sort of ends. Give me more, arms, legs, etc. I really like the last shot that we stay on throughout the credits, leaving us pondering what would…or could…happen next. Valeska Miller does an awesome job as the only actor in the film and is clearly having fun as the reflection. There’s no dialogue in the short aside from a quick “Eep!" when she realizes things aren’t as they should be.
I’m looking forward to what Aaron Fradkin does next.
Massacre in Dinosaur Valley (1985).
“You’re a stinkin’ murderer!”
Directed by Michele Massimo Tarantini (as Michael E. Lemick)
Written by Michele Massimo Tarantini
Starring Michael Sopkiw, Suzane Carvalho, Milton Rodriguez, Susie Hahn, and Marta Anderson
1. (The Stage)
A small plane carrying some fossil hunters and a pair of fashion models crashes somewhere in the Amazon jungle. To make it out, the gang will have to battle cannibalistic tribes, slave traders, and each other.
2. (The Good)
The movie is very campy and has everything you expect from an Italian exploitation film. Goofy dubbing, a copious amount of nudity, decent gore effects, and endearing low budget production value.
The main character is charismatic, a perfect example of having a lot of braun and absolutely zero brains. He’s funny in a movie, but you’d quickly delete his number from your phone if you knew him in real life. In fact, he almost gets nearly everyone killed in this film on multiple occasions, not the least of which features him allowing his love interest to be shot at by eight men while he waits for an apology. Then again, had she been ventilated with bullet holes, he doesn’t seem like a man that would care that much.
The female actresses are decent and spend about a third of the runtime topless. Most of the supporting characters (well, really all of the characters) are all undeveloped and don’t add much to the story, but at least they are offed in interesting ways.
3. (The Bad)
There’s not one fucking dinosaur in this movie! There’s really no massacre either.
Seriously though, it’s really hard to root for a main character as dumb as Kevin Hall (or as he introduces himself, “Hall. Kevin. Kevin Hall.”). For instance, after the gang just got through a pond that is infested with flesh eating piranhas, Kevin decides to fight an Army Captain in the very same pond (of course no piranhas touch them). He also has the jump on the main baddie at the end and could easily kill him at any time, but he waits until his love interest is raped, then gives his terrible position away, and lets the bad guy shoot at him a few times before he makes a move.
Oh, and I mentioned rape. Don’t go near Sao Paulo, Brazil, because this movie makes it seem like every man there is either a rapist or a pervert. The way every man acts in this film is troubling and sickening, including the main character.
Oh, and Severin, we have to talk about this cover art:
What’s with the gun? There’s never a machine gun featured in this movie. There are no automatic weapons of any kind. We see Kevin tote a shotgun and China has a revolver, but at least make sure whoever designs the cover has actually seen the film! The exclusive slipcover looks awesome though (even if it still has nothing to do with the film, featuring diamonds and some horned statue or creature?).
4. (The Ugly)
While endearing, the production value is hilarious. The first example of this, we see a plane that is going to crash, but it’s clearly a miniature. We follow the mini as it crashes into a puddle and then the bushes in someone’s front yard. It’s so funny. We also see a body falling down a water fall that’s clearly a dummy and many recycled shots. All staples of low budget Italian production.
My mind still isn’t made up on the worst way someone eats it in Massacre in Dinosaur Valley, but I’d probably have to choose drowning via quicksand.
5. (The End)
Massacre at Dinosaur Valley scratches the exploitation itch quite nicely. It’s action packed, and even though the fighting doesn’t really happen until an hour into the film, there’s enough to keep you entertained until everything stuffed into the back half is presented. It features beautiful women and meaty gore with dubbing that will probably give you a few laughs.
The Severin disc looks nice and was scanned uncut in 4K from the original negative. There are two interviews included - Valley Boy, an interview with the lead actor Michael Sopkiw, and Lost in Brazil, an interview with co-writer Dardano Sacchetti. Rounding out the good stuff are some deleted and extended scenes.
Last Gasp (1995).
“Jumpin’ Jesus, what the hell is goin’ on here?”
Directed by Scott McGinnis
Written by Pierce Milestone
Starring Joanna Pacula, Robert Patrick, face paint, and oversized clothes
1. (The Stage)
A real estate developer named Leslie Chase gets stuck in a difficult situation when a Totec Indian tribe gets mad that he’s developing on their land. Instead of asking them to leave nicely, he murders them all with shotguns. Unfortunately, when he murders the chief, something happens and he becomes possessed with the same murderous rage with a penchant for slashing Achilles tendons and a taste for human flesh.
A while later, Nora Weeks’s husband Julian goes missing near the development. She hires a private detective to figure out where he went, and they both run into Mr. Chase in the process.
2. (The Good)
You get to see Robert Patrick chew the screen and look directly into the camera multiple times, so that’s a plus. Joanna Pacula is great as the female lead, she’s definitely acting way harder than she needed to.
There’s not really much in terms of gore, but there is quite a bit of nudity. It doesn’t all make sense (take the couple that jaunts off into a cornfield to bang just feet from a perfectly good truck), but it’s well done. There’s a particular scene in which Robert Patrick bangs Mimi Craven, yes, Wes Craven’s ex-wife, that’s very well done. We never see Leslie Chase become a cannibal, but we sure as hell watch him eat Mimi (if you know what I’m sayin’)!
There’s one scene that’s so wildly out of place that I almost fell out of my chair laughing. See, Nora is distraught that her husband, Julian has gone missing. So distraught, that we get to see a flashback of them banging. It switches to a very “Dawson’s Creek”-esque music track during this scene in which we see way more of Julian that Nora. It felt like it belonged in another film entirely.
3. (The Bad)
Robert Patrick needed a better agent in the 90’s. After what could have been an absolute star-making turn as the T-1000 in Terminator 2, he was cast in the worst, bottom of the barrel films up until 1997’s Copland, and yes, Last Gasp is one of those turds. He’s great it in as a suave real estate developer who sometimes puts on face paint and kills people, but they try to paint him as sympathetic at one point and it just doesn’t work. Look, we don’t care that he doesn’t want to go on these murder hunts to kill people, you know why? Because he helped murder an entire tribe of Indians. He’s also apparently extra stupid, because he’s invested a very large amount of money to build on land that he didn’t know was inhabited. Surely a little bit of research would have uncovered that minor fact.
There’s also no explanation of any of the supernatural elements of the curse, but there are a shitload of questions. Why does the soul jump from body to body? Why does Robert Patrick need to toss face paint and Indian gear on before he goes wild? And why are the police in that area absolutely worthless?
This feels like a TNT made-for-TV film, but with tits. Lots of tight shots, dark cinematography, editing that doesn’t exactly line up, stupid music, an ending “twist” that you’ll see coming from a country mile, and characters that you won’t really give a shit about. I almost forgot everything that happened the minute I turned this film off.
4. (The Ugly)
That poor old lady. She was trying to help, and ended up getting her throat eaten out. Off screen, of course.
I couldn’t help but think about how Nora got the short end of the stick once the film was over. Her whole life is ruined, and for what?
5. (The End)
This was another dud for me. I get that some people probably have an attachment to it from when they were younger, but it just felt like a disappointing film from all aspects. It’s drab, lacks any kind of…bite, and aside from Robert Patrick and Joanna Pacula, no one is pulling their weight.
The only true extra from Vinegar Syndrome is some outtakes (other than the trailer). As usual, the picture looks nice, as it was newly scanned and restored from it’s 35mm negative.
Death Promise (1977).
“Please stop those murderers, Charlie. Stop them cold.”
Directed by Robert Warmflash
Written by Norbert Albertson Jr.
Starring Charles Bonet, Speedy Leacock, Bill Louie, and a bunch of dirty rats
1. (The Stage)
New York City, the 70’s. Corrupt landlords run the city, kicking out the poor and driving up prices in their buildings. Those who won’t leave are forced out, either by turning the water and gas off, or by much rougher means. When Charlie’s father is killed while defending his turf, he sets out on a quest to murder the landlords one by one…but who’s really pulling the strings?
2. (The Good)
Holy shit, this is everything I want from a Vinegar Syndrome release. This is a C-level action film and everything is bottom of the barrel except for the fun factor. The acting is wooden and stiff. The dialogue is laughable. The fight scenes are slow and amateurish. A man tosses a dead guy from a rooftop (which is clearly a badly made dummy) but it still screams all the way down. There’s a training montage. Terrible 70’s clothing. I loved every second of Death Promise.
It tells the tale of a man on a revenge mission against those who killed his father. In what could have been inspiration for Kill Bill, Charlie works from a list, crossing the names out as he knocks them off in incredibly satisfying and unbelievable ways…like tying someone up and putting them behind a bow and arrow target with the hope that someone actually shoots an arrow at it before the guy just gets up and leaves. Before he has access to the list, of course he has to go train with a ‘Big Master’ in order to get his karate up to snuff. The training doesn’t appear to actually do anything, but I’m a sucker for a good training montage.
Death Promise also has one of the coolest theme songs of all time. “That’s a proooooomise!” It belts out over the opening credits as Charlie and his best friend/sparring partner Speedy run through 70’s NYC decked out in velour jumpsuits. It’s fucking glorious.
3. (The Bad)
All of those things that would be considered ‘bad’ in this film turn it from a serious, city-hopping actioneer into a straight up unintentional comedy. From technical snafus like boom mics bobbing in and out of frame to background extras staring straight into the camera, this film has it all. If you’re a fan of the so-bad-it’s-good genre, Death Promise has you covered in spades. This was Robert Warmflash’s only film, so I guess he got it out of his system.
Most of the bad guys aren’t really interesting, a bunch of old white men in suits, but there’s one - “Mr. Big” - who pulls his weight. The film is also full of Asian stereotypes, which seems to be par for the course in late 70’s films.
4. (The Ugly)
This film has one of the most gnarly deaths that I can remember seeing in a picture like this. It involves some hungry rats, and I’ll be damned if it didn’t make me get up out of my seat because I was so uncomfortable. I didn’t see that coming.
As a social commentary, like many films from the 70’s and 80’s, the themes are still relevant today (even if the wardrobe isn’t).
5. (The End)
Death Promise is a blast. It’s horribly executed schlock, but it’s action packed and fun as hell. Get your velour jumpsuit, pop that collar, and prepare to have your ass kicked in the grungiest part of 1970’s New York.
The Vinegar Syndrome disc looks great - the first time I saw this was on Amazon Prime and the print just looked like it had been put through the ringer, but they really cleaned this up. Unfortunately, the only extra is an interview with Jim Markovic, the editor of the film.
Raya and the Last Dragon (2021).
“My girl Raya and I are going to fix the world.”
Directed by Don Hall and Carlos Lopez Estrada
Written by Qui Nguyen and Adele Lim
Starring the voices of Kelly Marie Tran, Awkwafina, Izaac Wang, Gemma Chan, and Daniel Dae Kim
1. (The Stage)
Set in the fictional region of Kumandra, five warring countries that used to be one unleash a plague upon the world that turns people into stone. A young warrior named Raya sets out on a quest to find all pieces of a stone, as well as Sisu, a mythical dragon who may be able to help destroy the plague and get the world back to normal. It won’t be easy, however, as Namaari, a rival warrior, is also after the stone shards.
2. (The Good)
The animation is absolutely gorgeous. From the waves in the water to the fur on the dragons, everything looks stunning. It makes me think that we’re not far away from having fully virtual films (which is as worrying as it is exciting). There’s a sequence in which Sisu is jumping on platforms made of water that looks particularly amazing. Each land she visits is as varied as the last, and it definitely gives you a sense of space in her world.
As a Disney princess, I quite liked Raya. She feels a little more sarcastic and cocksure than most of their leading ladies, and I found it refreshing. I really liked her look as well, the traveling, battle-scarred nomad, armed with her steed, a sword, and a treasure map. It was great seeing a Disney princess that hails from Southeast Asia who was also voiced by a Vietnamese American.
The main theme of Raya and the Last Dragon is about trust. The message is a good one for kids to hear, even if the idyllic nature of the film doesn’t seem like it works in the real world. This, of course, is coming from a jaded adult who sees the millions of grownup morons trolling about the country…but hey, maybe I’m part of the problem.
3. (The Bad)
While the animation looks amazing, the fight scenes were very disappointing. As someone who loves fight films, I was impressed that Disney put some actual hand-to-hand combat into one of their titles (although you don’t really see any strikes land, because this is a PG rated film). That said, the fight scenes don’t look great. They are edited with multiple cuts in a way that live-action movies film around their actresses, leaving the actual blows and tougher moves to the stunt doubles. It took a lot of the magic of these fight scenes away. This is an animated film - we don’t need the cuts.
The story, while fun, is nothing that I felt like I hadn’t seen before in Disney films. You get the stereotypical single dad, the predictable predicament at the beginning, the paint-by-numbers story beats, leading to an ending that you will be able to see coming from miles away. It’s a fun journey, but it is also ridiculously predictable. There was not one surprise to be had.
4. (The Ugly)
The plague that turns people to stone really is like Disney’s version of the Thanos snap. People are basically stuck in stone state that in this case, lasts six years. I wonder if they were conscious for those six years. Are they standing still, encased in stone, watching the world pass them by? Or did they just pop back into being six years later, with no knowledge of what happened in the meantime?
Also, let’s talk about that baby. The baby is, at the most, two years old. This means that her parents weren’t turned into stone, but died some other way. So we have a baby that Talon has essentially given up on, raised by three monkeys who are teaching her the art of the con. Let’s catch up with her in twenty years, I’d love to see how her life shook out.
5. (The End)
Raya and the Last Dragon is a fun, predictable romp that kids will probably love. It’s not in the pantheon of great Disney films and I don’t think it’s worth the extra $30 that Disney+ is charging on top of your subscription. If this was a film you would have seen in theaters and you have at least one kid, the $30 price tag is still better than a family trip to the cinema. I enjoyed my time with it and Raya is a badass princess that I hope we see more of.
The Black Cat (1989).
“Well, I think we should have another stab at sleeping.”
Directed by Luigi Cozzi
Written by Luigi Cozzi
Starring Florence Guerin, Urbano Barberini, Caroline Munro, and Brett Halsey
1. (The Stage)
In this unofficial “sequel” to Susperia, a screenwriter and director pitch a 4 page script about a witch named Levana to a very powerful movie producer with the intention of having the directors wife, Anne, playing the titular role. Unfortunately, the producer is dead and the witch is real (kind of?). This witch does not want Anne playing her in a movie, so she makes her refrigerator stop working and dresses up as a nice repair man.
2. (The Good)
If you’re looking for a movie to confuse you, you’re in luck. Part of the charm of The Black Cat, or Demons 6 as it’s sometimes called, is that the entire movie literally makes no sense. The first twenty minutes is pretty straight forward - these two goons talk up a script that is literally less than 10 pages and then weird stuff starts happening. At first it’s Levana crashing through a mirror and spewing hot green goo on Anne’s face like she’d just said the word of the day on You Can’t Do That on Television, but it soon escalates into a medium’s guts exploding out of her stomach and a giant head floating outside of Anne’s house shooting laser beams from it’s eyes. That’s how fucking bonkers this film gets.
The special effects and gore are endearing just because you can see that they did everything they could on a shoe-string budget.
3. (The Bad)
This movie borders on the edge of being so bad that it’s good, but ultimately falls back on the side of being so non-sensical and just not bad enough that it’s just bad. The acting is fine and the English dub sounds like you’d expect but it’s never outlandish enough to be funny. The line that really made me laugh was when the refrigerator goes out in the middle of the night and Anne goes to investigate it. Her husband comes down, takes a Coke out of the fridge, pops it open, and says, “Well, I think we should have another stab at sleeping.”
Also, if you’re here because of the Edgar Allen Poe relation, you can turn back now, as there is no Edgar Allen Poe relation. Contrary to what the title card says, this has absolutely nothing to do with his Black Cat story. In fact, the movie also has nothing to do with it’s own Black Cat story, because the random shots of black cats that were haphazardly inserted never share the screen with any of the actors involved. A little research showed that they were put in after the movie was done, because the studio lined up a series of Edgar Allen Poe films. The film was also released under the title Demons 6, which is another odd choice, as the film doesn’t have anything to do with demons either.
4. (The Ugly)
These guys got a deal with a producer after writing a four page script? I’m over here working my ass off on 120 page runs? What am I doing wrong here? On the plus side, I guess mine aren’t summoning ghosts.
The witch is about as ugly as it gets, it’s face bubbled and boiled over. However, at one point, it disguised itself as a friendly neighborhood refrigerator repair man who left and didn’t actually fix the fridge. How rude.
5. (The End)
The Black Cat is a mess. It is most definitely a wild experience, however, and if you’re looking for something to scratch an Argento itch, this should do the trick. The visuals are inspired and it definitely has a bit of charm. That being said, I don’t think I’d ever sit down to watch it again.
The disc from Severin looks nice - it was culled from a new 2K scan on the material. Unfortunately, the only extra is a 10 minute interview with Luigi Cozzi and Caroline Munro.
The Kid Detective (2020).
“Are you a detective or just some idiot who believes everything he is told?”
Directed by Evan Morgan
Written by Evan Morgan
Starring Adam Brody, Sophie Nelisse, Peter MacNeill, and Sarah Sutherland
1. (The Stage)
A once-celebrated kid detective, now 32, continues to solve the same trivial mysteries between hangovers and bouts of self-pity. One morning he arrives at his office to find a naive 16-year-old who needs his help to solve a brutal murder.
2. (The Good)
Having just completed a screenplay about a kid detective, I felt obligated to check this out. I really loved this film. It’s a dark small-town mystery with a brilliant cast of characters and much needed moments of delightful comedy, not unlike other favorites of mine like Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang and Brick.
Adam Brody plays Abe Applebaum. At thirteen, he was the talk of the town, solving small cases left and right, even earning a key to the city from the Mayor for his work recovering some stolen money. However, shortly after that, he couldn’t solve a big case that hit really close to home. At thirty-two, the guilt still consumes him, changing him from a confident, whip-smart detective into a bit of a lost soul. The town was also never the same. Brody plays the unsure gumshoe to perfection, often showing us small glimpses of a genius repressed deep inside of an exhausted, unhappy shell. Sophie Nelisse plays Caroline, a young woman who’s boyfriend was murdered. She’s great as Brody’s main side-kick through the film, even if she’s not really used for much other than driving him around. My guess is that we’ll be seeing a lot more of this French actress very soon.
The writing by Evan Morgan, who also directed the film, is snappy and hilarious, but never gets goofy enough to stall the serious bits of the film from landing. It’s a very smart film that will reward additional viewings. Like most movie fans, I was trying to figure out the mystery but I’ll be damned if my brain wasn’t stumbling around like a cow trying to walk across a dance floor. The small-town noir crime flick has always been one of my comfort film genres, and The Kid Detective snuggles right in with my favorites.
3. (The Bad)
I really don’t have anything bad to say about this film. Everything about it just sort of worked for me. I can see people not loving the very last scene, or not digging the intentional pace of the middle of the flick, but it just spoke to me on every level.
4. (The Ugly)
It’s really tough for Adam Brody to be ugly, but waking up butt-naked in a dumpster covered in trash…well that comes pretty close.
Of course the ugliest thing in this movie is revealed in the last ten minutes, but I can’t tell you what that is, you’ll just have to watch the film.
5. (The End)
I’m going to keep shouting The Kid Detective from the rooftops. If you’re down for a little Neo Noir by way of a darker Nice Guys, this is the flick for you. Brody is awesome, the script is engaging, the cinematography is on point, and the mystery will definitely keep you guessing until the bitter end.
I hope we get more of Abe Applebaum in the future.
WandaVision (2021).
“This is our home now.”
Created by Jac Schaeffer
Starring Elizabeth Olsen, Paul Bettany, Kathryn Hahn, Teyonah Parris, Randall Park, and Josh Stamberg
ATTENTION: SPOILERS FOR WANDAVISION AHEAD. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
1. (The Stage)
Welcome to WandaVision! A TV show starring Wanda Maximoff and Vision set in Westview, New Jersey. Westview is an idyllic small town where everything is as it should be…except the time period…and the residents…and the witches…wait, what’s going on?
2. (The Good)
I think that what Kevin Feige has done while overseeing the last 10+ years of Marvel Films is nothing short of astounding. Taking the Marvel Cinematic Universe from Iron Man to Avengers: Endgame is a feat that I’m convinced will never be recreated (as much as other studios have tried). WandaVision is the start of the next big phase of the Marvel Universe and although it wasn’t perfect, I think it’s a fun appetizer for the next decade.
The concept of the show, especially with how it started, took massive balls. Disney is playing with house money and they’re taking risks that a normal weekly show would probably never take. The first three episodes have almost nothing to do with the overarching plot. We spend the first hour and a half of WandaVision with lighthearted recreations of different eras of television. We get episodes reminiscent of Bewitched, Mary Tyler Moore, Growing Pains, and Malcolm in the Middle that have their own contained, familiar stories that, frankly, I found refreshing. They weren’t even parodies of the period pieces, they just created episodes from those eras and I loved it. There were minuscule hints that something wasn’t right, but the show didn’t really open up until episode 4. It was then that the story really started to feel like it belonged in the Marvel Universe.
Wanda and Vision were never my favorite characters in the films and although they showed up in books I read as a kid, I am not familiar with their history or stories. I really loved them here. Elizabeth Olsen and Paul Bettany have loads of chemistry and they really got a chance to shine here. Kathryn Hahn, who has always been amazing, is pitch perfect here as Agatha Harkness, a powerful witch hoping to usurp Wanda’s power while disguising herself as Wanda’s nosey neighbor. There’s no weak link in the cast, everyone is great. And “recasting” Quicksilver? That was nothing short of fucking brilliant, even if it didn’t end up leading to some big X-Men kind of reveal that I’m sure a lot of people were hoping for.
The show is an excellent examination of how Wanda is dealing with grief, examining her tug-of-war with freeing the residents of Westview from what must be a terrible existence and losing her family, or keeping up a cloak of normalcy with an idyllic town and a family life that doesn’t actually exist. It also deals with Vision slowly discovering that Westview is Wanda’s doing, and he might not be what he thinks he is. There’s a lot of heart in the show and some great quotes about love and loss.
There’s also an element of horror in a few short portions concerning Salem witches that I thought was surprisingly effective for a Marvel show.
3. (The Bad)
I have seen a lot of complaints about the show being boring, and this is one show that I think really benefits from being a week-to-week show. I also think that people expecting every episode to be a thirty-minute epic in the spirit of Endgame are going to be disappointed. It’s not that kind of show.
I loved Kathryn Hahn as one of the main foils in the show, but I didn’t find the character of Agatha Harkness particularly interesting, which continues to plague Marvel films. The villains are often the weakest links and I think that’s the case again here. Her motivation was simply that she wanted to snag Wanda’s power from her.
Although I was happy with how the show ended as a nine-episode series, I don’t think that it stuck the landing in terms of really getting me excited for what’s coming next. We know that Wanda is going to be ultra-powerful and that she doesn’t know what’s she’s getting into, but we don’t know what that means for the rest of the world. There are still a lot of unanswered questions, including why fake Vision didn’t tell Wanda about Vision II, where he went, and what’s going on with Monica Rambeau. Speaking of which, if you haven’t seen Ms. Marvel, the final scene of the show might confuse the heck out of you.
4. (The Ugly)
Shag carpet, wood paneling, and turtleneck sweaters, oh my!
This show was honestly beautiful looking, but the ugliest thing I saw was the CGI, specifically in the final episode. Vision fighting Vision and Wanda flying didn’t look great. It’s still passable, but I’d be lying if it didn’t make me nervous for the effects bonanza that Falcon & Winter Soldier promises to be with a smaller budget than this show.
5. (The End)
I had almost no interest in WandaVision going into the season, but I’ll be damned if I wasn’t eagerly awaiting each episode from week-to-week. If you go in with the right expectations and are prepared to have some fun, it’s a great time. Elizabeth Olsen is so charming as the Scarlett Witch and Paul Bettany is amazing as usual. Disney’s first Marvel show is a hit.
The Fear (1995).
“There is no devil but fear.”
Directed by Vincent Robert
Written by Ron Ford
Starring Eddie Bowz, Heather Medway, Ann Turkel, and Vince Edwards
1. (The Stage)
Richard is a grad student and for his school project, he’d like to conduct “fear therapy” at a cabin in the woods that’s been in Richard’s family. There’s also a life-sized wooden doll named Morty that’s been part of Richard’s family for years and he lives in a drawer in the cabin. So Richard brings his friends and some rapists up to the cabin to face their fears.
2. (The Good)
There are a few genuinely creepy scenes in this featuring Morty. Once he comes to life and starts moving around and making old wooden sounds, he’s pretty unsettling. Unfortunately, it only takes a minute to see the rubber in the suit scrunching up as he moves. When stationary though, Morty looks awesome. There’s also a pretty neat scene in which Morty is seemingly controlling someone else’s movements.
There are a lot of effective visuals in the film, most of which come from either masks or this weird Christmas theme park that just happens to be in the middle of nowhere. It’s over an hour walk to the nearest civilization, so why does this Christmas park exist?
Wes Craven makes a cameo appearance during the beginning and end of the movie as Richard’s psychology professor. He’s the only one who seems like he knew what he was doing.
3. (The Bad)
The setup seems pretty cool - get these people to this secluded cabin to work on their fears. Inevitably, that means that we’ll see them succumb to these fears in creative ways, right? Wrong. Instead, we get a lot of relationship melodrama, two (yes, two) rapists, a sprinkling of incest, and a few very boring deaths that have nothing to do with people’s fears.
The deaths were particularly disappointing. There is no gore and they are not creative. One guy is hit in the head with a wooden door a few times with the amount of force that seems like it would annoy you more than kill you. Another, who is afraid of spiders, is hit in the face with a log while trying to rape someone. A girl is thrown from a second floor balcony onto some pine needles and dies. The only death actually caused by Morty is when he makes someone shoot themselves in the mouth, but that happens off-screen.
Unfortunately, despite the great looking doll that is Morty, this is a very boring horror film. The team here went for a more serious approach to the psychology of fear, bringing out Richard’s suppressed memories of telling his dad that he was being cucked by Santa, his dad killing his mom, and then Richard curing himself by taking a puzzle ball from his younger self, throwing it at his mom’s animated corpse, and then putting it back together again. It sounds a lot more fun than it is, unfortunately.
4. (The Ugly)
90’s fashion was the worst.
Let’s examine the relationship between the token dreadlocked white guy Troy and his sister, who just happens to show up at his place and agrees to just head up to the cabin. During initial introductions, she says that her mom adopted him when she was 14 and then she had to take care of him, so she lost her childhood. What a great sister! Later on, after Troy loses his shit because his best friend’s girlfriend won’t bang him, he tries to fuck his own sister, telling her that they’re not “really” related. Then she tells him that they are related, because well, he’s her son.
I thought that was the ugliest thing in the film, until this kid popped in at the end with this haircut.
5. (The End)
I saw a lot of people excited about this title, and when it was over, I was scratching my head wondering why. This thing was a slog to get through. It features an unlikable bunch that you hope bite the bullet in interesting ways, and unfortunately that never happens. It’s got no gore, nudity, or other trappings of good exploitative horror movies and none of the shock value or great characters that elevated horror often provides.
In terms of the Vinegar Syndrome disc, you get two new commentary tracks (one from the director Vincent Robert, and another with an executive producer named Greg H. Sims and an hour long making-of documentary called Face to Face with The Fear.