Boss Level (2021).

“Shit’s about to get steel.”

Directed by Joe Carnahan

Written by Chris Borey and Eddie Borey

Starring Frank Grillo, Naomi Watts, Will Sasso, Selina Lo, and Mel Gibson

1. (The Stage)

A retired special forces operative named Roy is stuck re-living the same day over and over again, a day in which he’s repeatedly killed for reasons he doesn’t quite understand by a rogue’s gallery of assassins, each with their own style of mayhem. One of these days, Roy finds out new information and decides that it’s time to end the loop.

2. (The Good)

Wow, this movie is a lot of fun. I’m a sucker for a good ‘Groundhog’s Day’ film. In fact, Palm Springs was my favorite film of 2020. And just like that movie, Boss Level drops us right into the life of a man who’s lived the same day over and over again with a highly engaging (and funny) action scene right off the bat. Par for the course, as he learns more, we learn more, all presented with a video game aesthetic that I really enjoyed.

The cast is great. Frank Grillo plays Roy, a jaded man who’s just tired of getting up early each morning to stop his own death. He’s perfect for the role and is just in incredible shape. We don’t get much of Naomi Watts or Hollywood’s “Man of A Thousand Chances” Mel Gibson, but they’re awesome as usual. Selina Lo, who plays Guon Yin, is really great as the only assassin that really gets a decent amount of screen time.

The action is really cool and the violence is unrelenting (we get to see Roy literally lose his head many times). I had so much fun with the small flashbacks to other attempts that have led to Roy’s death in creative ways, including being run over by a truck, flying through a bus, and getting shot in the balls. It uses the formula in very interesting ways as Roy retains the information that he had the previous day. While the action is the main focus here, the film had a surprising amount of heart as well.

3. (The Bad)

I really enjoyed this film, but I have two bits of criticism. First, the film gives us all of these really cool assassins that feel like they were plucked straight out of Smokin’ Aces, but we really don’t see much of them aside from Guon Yin. Some are on screen for less than a minute, but they seemed like a really fun bunch and I’d have liked to have seen more of them.

The other criticism I have about the movie is how it ends. It’s very ambiguous, and I have a feeling that the screenwriters just didn’t know how to end it. I’m not against ambiguous endings, but I don’t think there was really a reason to leave this one up to the imagination. It’s not an Inception kind of movie. A small gripe, to be sure.

4. (The Ugly)

Imagine dying in every way imaginable and feeling it every time. Swords through the gut, rocket launchers, having your head detached from your body, being stabbed in the face, having C4 stuck to you before it explodes, and falling three stories to your doom. That’s what Roy has dealt with every day for the better part of a year.

Speaking of ugly, was that Gronk?

5. (The End)

I had a great time with Boss Level. This is one that I’ll definitely watch again and will probably add to the Blu-ray collection. It doesn’t really add anything new to the old formula of “person relives the same day over and over again”, but it is a ton of fun, has a great cast, and is infused with way more feeling that actually lands than most action movies are.

Don’t Look Now (1973).

“Please, let him not gooooooooo…”

Directed by Nicolas Roeg

Written by Allan Scott and Chris Bryant based on a story by Daphne Du Maurier

Starring Donald Sutherland, Julie Christie, Hilary Mason, Clelia Matania, and Venice

1. (The Stage)

John and Laura Baxter, still reeling from a family tragedy, head to Venice for a season so that John can help restore an old church. While there, Laura meets a pair of sisters, one of whom is blind and claims that she can receive messages from the dead. As their time in Venice continues, things start to get more and more strange.

2. (The Good)

There’s a lot to unpack here. Don’t Look Now has been on my to-watch list for what feels like ages, and I just had never gotten around to it. I heard that it had a very creepy atmosphere, and on that note the film delivered. The chilling score really added to the mood and the way the cinematography by Anthony B. Richmond captured the beauty of Venice juxtaposed with the way it’s simultaneously falling apart was breathtaking.

Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie were great as the leads, with the latter really stealing the show. Every time Julie Christie was on screen as Laura I was captivated. Sutherland was also perfect as a cynical architect, wrestling with never having dealt with their family tragedy and coming to grips with visions that he’s tried to suppress. The appearance of the sisters divides the two with a sort of line in the sand that was interesting to watch them work through, whether they were talking on long walks through the halls of Venice or with an amazingly long and graphic sex scene intercut by the two reflecting on the night of passion while getting ready in the morning.

The second half turns into more of a mystery as the threat of a serial killer is haphazardly introduced. This all barrels towards a conclusion that is, by all summations, bananas. I tell you, I did not see that coming, and I will not be able to forget it. It’s a moment that has been referenced and paid homage to in countless films and I just never realized it until now.

3. (The Bad)

On the flip side, while memorable, the ending didn’t completely work for me, mostly because it didn’t make any sense. Unfortunately, I can’t really get into why without spoiling things.

The story often meanders with other side characters that weren’t really interesting, seemingly existing for the sole purpose of throwing the audience off the scent of what was really going on. Then again, what was really going on? The film didn’t explain things well (which isn’t always needed in a film), but without it, the supernatural stuff didn’t really grab me. I thought that was the weakest part of the film.

The family tragedy scene was also cut together in a way that’s pretty baffling. We don’t see what happens and the way it unfolds on screen doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

4. (The Ugly)

THAT REVEAL.

5. (The End)

Don’t Look Now is an atmospheric, creepy experience with a huge upside. While the supernatural elements didn’t click for me and some of the situations didn’t make sense, the ride is an easy one to recommend. While the story feels stagnant at times, the performances are magnetic and more than make up for the lack of propulsion.

Twice Dead (1988).

“Next time you look in the mirror…think twice!”

Directed by Bert Dragin

Written by Bert Dragin and Robert McDonnell

Starring Tom Bresnahan, Jill Whitlow, Jonathan Chapin, and Christopher Burgard

1. (The Stage)

The Cates family inherits a mansion that used to belong to a stage actor named Tyler Walker. When they arrive to take possession of the mansion, they find a crew of cut-and-paste 80’s bad guys that look like the inspiration for the disposable thugs in Streets of Rage hanging around outside, and they’re not giving the house up without a fight. Unfortunately for everyone, the ghost of Tyler Walker also wants his house back.

2. (The Good)

This was a fun little horror/invasion film. The main protagonists, siblings Scott and Robin, have good chemistry together, even if they seem a little…flirty. The pack of bad guys, while unimaginative, are fun to watch while chewing the scenery. They sport names like Silk, Crip, and Stoney, and kill people without a second thought…unless you’re the main characters, in which case they just play around with you for some reason.

The film takes a little while to get going, but the last ten minutes are a blast. The kills are imaginative and one kill that features a dumbwaiter, even subverts expectations a bit. There’s a kill involving a shotgun, was fucking mind-blowing. There’s also a…shocking…sex scene in the film that is pretty hot. I’m also a sucker for a good 80’s car chase, and there’s a chase between a hearse and a Thunderbird that was pretty great in here.

At a scant 85 minutes, it’s an easy watch.

3. (The Bad)

Horror films don’t have to make a whole lot of sense, but this one has plot beats that are just plain stupid. First off, it’s set up that the cops probably won’t come for calls, because they’re…busy. I also didn’t buy that this pack of degenerates had such an attachment to an old, decrepit mansion that they would terrorize the people moving into it. And if Tyler Walker was so intent on no one living in his house, why was he not haunting the pack of bad guys before the Cates moved in? Speaking of them, Crip’s infatuation with raping Robin also hasn’t aged well and felt really creepy. He did, however, nail his impression of Ducky from Sixteen Candles.

The film turns into a bit of a ‘Home Alone’ style film in the second act, which sees our sibling protagonists suddenly turn into special effects wizards on par with Tom Savini. This includes creating severed heads, things that spurt blood, and even a “Penisaurus”. They’re alone, because in the middle of these crazy family times, their parents just up and leave to another state for a court case that, if explained to the parties involved, probably could have been moved back…but for the scripts sake, they had to be shoved out of the picture.

Like most 80’s films, there are a few ‘false’ endings, none of which really worked. You could see them coming a mile away.

4. (The Ugly)

Melvin, who rides his motorcycle everywhere…literally everywhere, even into houses, eventually has his loyal steed turn on him. What a rough way to go.

Speaking of rough ways to go, Willis from Different Strokes is in here and he really got the short end of the stick with this role. Talk about wrong place, wrong time.

5. (The End)

This feels like sort of a live action Scooby Doo. Swap Scott and Robin out for Fred and Daphne and nail Scoob to the door, and you’re right in a rated-R Hanna Barbara flick.

I had a bit of fun with this, I thought the kills were pretty slick, the characters were fun to watch even if they were stereotypical, and it flies by at under 90 minutes. There are a few awesome kills in here and everything looks like it was done practically. I’d recommend this if you can ignore the glaring stupidity of the plot and just want to watch a few people get terrorized for 75 minutes leading up to a bat-shit crazy ending.

The Scream Factory disc looks very nice and carries over the two extras from their 2010 DVD release - a feature length commentary from the director and Tom Bresnahan, as well as an interview with Jill Whitlow, who played Robin. The interview runs about 12 minutes long. It feels a bit weird that there were no new extras included with this release and I got this impression that it was sort of tossed together haphazardly. Maybe we can chock that up to COVID-19.

Willy’s Wonderland (2021).

Nic Cage vs. Chuck E. Cheese

Directed by Kevin Lewis

Written by G.O. Parsons

Starring Nicolas Cage, Emily Tosta, Beth Grant, a bunch of Chuck E. Cheese rejects, and horrid camera work

1. (The Stage)

A man finds himself stranded in a small town after he has some car trouble. A local business owner promises to pay for the car repair - in return, the man is to clean up an old party palace called Willy’s Wonderland overnight. Sounds easy enough…but not all is what it seems inside Willy’s Wonderland, and the man finds himself face to face with nightmarish animatronics.

2. (The Good)

I’m a huge Nic Cage fan. Not in an ironic way as many people are, I legitimately love Nic Cage’s work and want to see him succeed. The role he plays here is unique, in that he literally doesn’t say one word throughout the entire film, but we do get to see him go insane on some giant robotic monstrosities and dance the night away while playing pinball. He’s always a great onscreen presence. His hard-working character only cared about cleaning the joint and I think that omitting a backstory (or even a name) for him was a good move.

The story is about as weird as stories get, something I will always appreciate. An old cursed building, built on the back of a satanic ritual that the town essentially “feeds” people to as a way to keep those entities inside of the building is a really fun premise. Adding in Chuck E. Cheese-like animatronics is a horror that many of us can relate to, because even the real life ones are fucking terrifying. Don’t get me wrong, the script is dumber than a bag of hammers, but at least it’s a fun premise.

3. (The Bad)

Unfortunately, the film is hampered by camera work that feels like it’s trying way too hard to be edgy and cool. Fight scenes are horribly shot and edited, often with dozens of cuts, incredibly shaky camerawork, and they almost always feature unnecessary angles just for the heck of it. The lighting is often poor during these scenes as well, leaving much of the gore to the imagination aside from blood splattering. Because of this, encounters with the creatures become indiscernible and lose their sense of fun very quickly. Next time let’s just get one tripod on set and an editor who knows that we are allowed to stay on one shot for more than three seconds.

There’s also a pack of side characters who find themselves in Willy’s Wonderland mid-movie (because we need a body count) and they’re all just cut/paste degenerates with little to no personality who make ridiculously bad choices because the script needs them to.

The creatures, while creepy, could have had better “signature” ways to kill people. As it stands, whether you’re looking at a distorted fairy or a vicious alligator, you’re just getting bitten to death. One of them has a sort of whip tongue, but the way it’s used is rather lame. The way they’re killed is basically the same as well. Beat to a pulp, rinse, repeat. It would have been nice to see each one present a different challenge, like the gauntlet put forth in 1987’s The Running Man.

4. (The Ugly)

I never would have predicted that I’d see Nicolas Cage curb-stomp an animatronic gorilla on the edge of a toilet urinal, but here we are. Aside from that encounter, watching Nic Cage clean the bathroom was one of my favorite parts of the film.

5. (The End)

This was a so-so time for me, but Willy’s Wonderland is not a film that I’d be jumping to recommend. I really expected more from the film. Unfortunately, the filmmaking and it’s weak script got in the way of this being a blast. My favorite parts of the film shouldn’t be the ones where Nic Cage is wiping down bathroom sinks or playing pinball when there are possessed animatronic monsters roaming around. I’d have liked to see more creative gore and a better supporting cast to help Nic Cage out.

I also thought the decision to give Cage zero lines was intriguing, but giving him one-liners and leaning into the ridiculousness of everything might have added a little heart into the film.

I haven’t played the game series Five Nights at Freddy’s, but this film is drawing a lot of comparisons to that so if you’re a fan, this might be right up your alley.

Unhinged (2020).

“I don’t think you even know what a bad day really is.”

Directed by Derrick Borte

Written by Carl Ellsworth

Starring Caren Pistorius, Russell Crowe, Gabriel Bateman, and a super reliable Volvo

1. (The Stage)

A frazzled Volvo driver honks at a man who’s having a really bad day, so he makes her day really bad too.

2. (The Good)

Russell Crowe! I love me some Russell Crowe. Here, he goes full unhinged, middle American bad guy, which is really fun. See, he’s just coming off of a double murder and does not need some lady giving him a full honk when she could have given him a much more polite “courtesy honk”. He knows his goose is cooked, so what’s a few more murders on his way out? He really chews the car interior here in full psychopath mode. I loved his performance in this film.

Jimmi Simpson (McPoyle!) shows up for one scene, appearing across the table from Russell Crowe and it’s magnificent. I really wish we had more of that scene because it was both terrifying and energetic.

This movie is kinetic and always on the go, so the car scenes are really important, and on that note this film delivers. There are some really awesome car wrecks in this film. People get smashed, cars go flying, and a cement truck fucking decimates a car like it was made of cardboard. I loved the car work in this film. If you’ve ever fantasized about watching an extended game of cat and mouse between a Volvo and a mini-van, this is the film for you.

3. (The Bad)

I think that Caren Pistorius is a fine actress, but she wasn’t given much to work with here. It’s very tough to make a film like this set in 2021 because of the access to information that humans have. Then again, it’s also tough to make a film like this set in the past, because a smart phone is at the crux of the entire plot concocted by Russell Crowe’s character. That’s a long preamble to say that the script is dumb. Really dumb. Rachel continuously makes ridiculous decisions that sap your ability to sympathize with her plight. The moment she tries to condemn someone to death for something that was 100% her fault made me lose all interest in whatever she was going for.

The script is also piled to the brim with cliches and eye-rolling expositional dialogue that would never be uttered in real life, straight down to this kind of amazing exchange:

“We’re going to the game this weekend, right absentee father?”

“Uh, sorry kiddo, stuff came up at work and I can’t go because I am high up in nondescript business. But maybe we can toss the pigskin around later!”

There’s also a ridiculous exchange between a 911 operator and Rachel, in which he tells her something to the effect of, “Sorry ma’am, all of our officers are responding to a car crash. Guess you’re on your own!” As screenwriters, we can do better than this!

I also think the movie would have been better without the opening Russell Crowe scene. Just give us hints through the news coverage instead. The diner scene would have been way more shocking if we didn’t know what Crowe was capable of, turning a vibe of, “Oh, he’s just giving her some well deserved shit.” into “Oh shit, he’s a crazy murderer.”

4. (The Ugly)

I guess the ugly here is really…humanity in the 21st Century. This film is a lesson about how a little grace followed by a simple apology could have stopped this whole plot from unfolding. People wouldn’t have been smacked by cars, stabbed, burned alive, or smashed like pancakes. I think what the film is trying to say is, be nice to others…right?

Nah, the ugly is definitely that dude that gets smashed by the cement truck on the highway.

5. (The End)

This movie is very dumb entertainment. The experience devolves from “Is Rachel really that stupid?” to, “Is everyone in this town really that stupid?” to, “Are the police really that stupid?” to, “Yeah, I guess everyone in this film is fucking stupid.” Watch it for Russell Crowe and the car wrecks. Skip through everything else.

Cthulhu Mansion (1992).

“I was playing with a power beyond my control.”

Directed by J.P. Simon

Written by J.P. Simon

Starring Frank Finlay, Marcia Layton, Brad Fisher, Melanie Shatner, and Kaethe Cherney

1. (The Stage)

When you realize you only bought this for the slipcover.

Cthulhu Mansion forces us to follow a pack of cookie-cutter punk bad guys who, for some reason, botch a drug deal at the county carnival and proceed to carjack the magician who was performing D level magic tricks at the carnival, along with his daughter. Hunted by the cops and the drug dealers they ripped off, the gang goes to the magician’s mansion, where they slowly find out that they’re the real ones held captive. If this sounds like an awesome setup for a wild film, well…I apologize for getting your hopes up.

2. (The Good)

An example of the makeup, which of course was inconsistent from shot to shot.

I always try to start any review off with the good things about the film, so I guess I’ll say this - this one was slightly more entertaining than Vinegar Syndrome’s other January releases…but not by much. The picture looks nice - VS did a great job with the new 2K scan from the 35mm elements.

There were some effective jump scares and the special effects were all done practically - I actually thought they looked pretty good…the only problem was that they were used so sparingly. We barely got a chance to see them until the last five minutes of the film. The standout moment of the film was a scene in which one of the villains walks into the kitchen for a late night snack and gets pulled into the fridge by some giant troll hands. I’d have liked to see more zaniness in the mansion.

3. (The Bad)

I guess the both the shower drain and refrigerator lead to the back seat of a station wagon.

Yet another PG-13 horror film that should have leaned into it’s premise. Yep, that means no gore, no nudity. This is even more disappointing considering it’s from the director of Pieces and Slugs! How can those films be so bananas and this one ended up so tame!

The characters are all so bland. We get the cut-and-paste leather wearing punk bad guys here that are just bad because they’re bad. No characterization, no depth, just evil for the sake of being evil. They’re like four minimally different versions of Streets of Rage expendables. The father is probably the most interesting character here, a man wrestling with the guilt of burning his wife alive while performing a satanic ritual gone bad, but don’t ask me how a carnival magician is able to afford a mansion. The acting is bad, but not bad enough that it’s fun to watch. It’s just bland.

If you’re here for the mention of H.P. Lovecraft on the box art. “From the imagination of H.P. Lovecraft”, it says. Aside from the word “Cthulhu” on a notebook in the house, this film has nothing to do with the Cthulhu mythology.

4. (The Ugly)

Don’t fuck with the lady of the house.

I’m really curious about what happened to the guy in the shower. He drowned in a shower that filled up with blood, and then disappeared, which means that somehow, that motherfucker went down the drain.

5. (The End)

The worst swami ever.

Another snoozer from Vinegar Syndrome. It’s not fun enough to warrant a recommendation, which is a shame because I’m a sucker for a good crazy possessed house film. Although the practical effects look good, they just don’t get enough screen time. This is an early 90’s film that feels like a late 80’s film.

If there’s one word that I wouldn’t expect to call a J.P. Simon film, it’s “boring”. Consider me disappointed.

On the extras side, we get a documentary that’s better than Cthulhu Mansion. It’s called The Simon’s Jigsaw: A Trip To The Universe of Juan Piquer Simon that goes through the director’s life and work. We also get an interview with Colin Arthur, the special effects artist.

Dark Tower (1989).

“There’s no way, there’s no goddamn way. There’s something screwy here.”

Directed by Freddie Francis and Ken Wiederhorn (under the dual-pseudonym “Ken Barnett”)

Written by Robert J. Avrech

Starring Michael Moriarty, Jenny Agutter, Theodore Bikel, and lots and lots of shots of elevator shafts

1. (The Stage)

A building is being erected in Barcelona, Spain. Unfortunately, it’s sort of haunted by the architect’s dead husband, who can make the building do wacky things. The architect, a detective (who thinks he’s a psychic because he guessed a number and a color correctly), and a ghost hunting psychiatrist spring into action to try to find out what’s going on.

2. (The Good)

We’ve exceeded the falling dummy budget.

I always want to find something good about films I consume, but with Dark Tower, it was very, very hard to think of something I liked. I will say that the premise (which is not a new one) is always really interesting to me, but it really needs the right director and story to make it work. So many cool things could go wrong in a haunted high-rise that’s under construction!

There’s a shot near the end with a body that looked pretty cool (although it made zero sense), and the body of the husband floating around with blackened eyes looks spooky enough, but the way it’s used is completely laughable.

3. (The Bad)

“Aaaaaaah!”

This is a PG-13 film through and through. It just doesn’t lean into it’s premise like it could have, and a film like this had the potential to become a real cult classic. Take the detective who’s sort of a low-key psychic. Just make him a powerful entity. Use the premise of a haunted high rise to give us some memorable kills and really go for the jealous ghost, angry at his widow! Add some suspense! Add some gore! Add some nudity! Instead, we get off-screen kills that are not at all gory, we get a few lights flickering and a few shots of a ghost just disappearing, and we get a bunch of POV shots that seem ridiculous.

The acting is awful, especially from the lead, Michael Moriarty. The direction is nothing special, which is predictable considering the film changed directorial hands halfway through. The editing is straight up bad, recycling many shots to make scenes longer and showing us the same elevator shaft shot upwards of ten times.

4. (The Ugly)

How many spelling errors can you find? I see at least two!

Corduroy jackets with elbow patches!

MS DOS screens filled with typos!

Getting sealed into walls! If only they had the budget to squirt blood through cracks in the walls. That could have looked so cool.

5. (The End)

Super convincing monster, totally not a rubber suit.

Despite the royal treatment that Vinegar Syndrome gives it’s discs, this one is simply a dud. I found it tedious to get through and thought it lacked the teeth that a genre film like this needs to have. I will say that I’d be up for a remake - there’s a lot you can do with a haunted high rise, given the budget and the balls to make it happen the right way.

As for the extras, Vinegar Syndrome provided a documentary called “Dark Inspirations”, which is an interview with the special effects artist Steve Neill. You also get a promotional still gallery, if that’s your thing.

The Little Things (2021).

“Your dick is harder than Chinese arithmetic!”

Directed by John Lee Hancock

Written by John Lee Hancock

Starring Denzel Washington, Rami Malek, and Jared Leto

1. (The Stage)

a.k.a. “No Country for Smart Men”.

Sidetracked during a routine evidence collection trip, Deputy Joe “Deke” Deacon mentors young detective Jim Baxter as the two hunt for a Los Angeles serial killer…a killer who may be connected to a case Joe failed to solve five years prior.

2. (The Good)

You know this character has a troubled past because he always looks sad!

The performances by the three leads in this film are really great. Denzel is magnetic as usual, even if he’s playing the same character he always seems to play. Rami Malek is fine as Jim Baxter, a determined dumbass detective. Jared Leto is fantastic as Albert Sparma, an appliance repair technician who loves true crime, strip clubs, and murder photos but doesn’t own any clothes aside from his repair technician uniform.

The message of the film portrays a powerful one - the sins of your past will consume your future if you let them, and that the burden of unsolved cases can weigh heavily upon the people who failed to solve them. Unfortunately, it presents that message in a way that’s at best clunky and at worst just downright stupid.

3. (The Bad)

You won’t care about this character because he’s really stupid.

Aside from the cast, I thought that everything in this film was pretty bad.

The script was just plain dumb, riddled with characters who continuously made the most stupid decisions possible. Take one scene for example, in which Deke and Jim tail Sparma, a key suspect in their case. They just want to get into his apartment to check things out, so their awesome plan is to call him and tell him to meet them at a bar that happens to be a five-minute walk down the street. These same cops just followed him all day long and knew that he took public transportation to a strip club. Why didn’t they do it then, when they could have had hours in the apartment? This stupidity just pales in comparison to a scene later in the film when Baxter decides to take a ride with Sparma.

I get what Hancock was going for with the latter scene. Baxter is supposed to be so sleep deprived on a time crunch that he’d literally do anything to catch the guy…but when he makes the decision he does, I just didn’t care at that point - he deserved to be digging his own grave. So did the girl at the beginning…and the way she kneels down in front of that truck was laughable.

The editing decisions in The Little Things were also baffling. How many cuts do we need while filming two guys fucking eating breakfast? It was like Taken 3’s action scenes all over again. The gravity of certain situations just evaporates because of the directionless editing, including a key scene in an interrogation room. During a scene in which Deke tails Sparma’s car, it was if the editor wanted us to believe that Deke had lost Sparma in the darkness (he hadn’t) and then magically found him by guessing where he was going (he didn’t). Let the actors and the scenes BREATHE.

Finally, the score was not just forgettable, it was plain grating. Hearing the same five second riff play over and over again during the initial investigation scene made me want to turn the film off. I couldn’t believe that it was Thomas Newman when the credits ran.

4. (The Ugly)

Real cars on a real, non-CGI road!

There’s a scene in which Deke is driving a car and has to turn to get onto an on-ramp. it’s clearly Denzel sitting in a car with an infuriatingly bad background inserted via green screen, but the car is turning and Denzel never turns the wheel. It was like kids sitcom level awful. How does something that ugly get past everyone? They just never got a shot of Denzel turning the steering wheel to the right? Are you kidding me?

Also, for a film set in 1990 that is literally titled for its emphasis on small, important details, you’d think someone would have caught the T-Mobile store with Android ads that the hookers are standing in front of.

5. (The End)

This character only has one outfit, his work jumpsuit.

This is a forgettable, stupid film with some great, wasted performances. If you’re a big Denzel or Leto fan, I guess it’s worth checking out for their performances, but I cannot recommend spending two hours on this. Apparently it was written in the late 80’s/early 90’s. It’s hard to believe that it didn’t get better than that after 30 years on the shelf.

No Safe Haven (1987).

“Nobody killed my family! They were executed.”

Directed by Ronnie Rondell Jr.

Written by Wings Hauser and Nancy Locke

Starring Wings Hauser, Robert Tessier, Branscombe Richmond, and Robert Ahola

1. (The Stage)

When the Los Angeles Hawks fail to throw their bid to get to the Super Bowl (or Silver Bowl? The movie doesn’t even know), some drug runners who had a lot riding on the game murder the star quarterback Buddy Harris and his family. Unfortunately for them, they left one brother alive. Clete Harris, who has been living in Honduras running a Peace Corps office, comes home to get revenge (and chase some skirts).

2. (The Good)

As you can tell by reading the plot summary, this film is bad. Real bad. Fortunately, there’s one great thing about this film - the performance by Branscombe Richmond. I knew him as Bobby Sixkiller (still one of the greatest TV names ever) from Renegade, but here he’s chewing the fucking scenery as Manuel, a psychopathic, ineffective henchman for the Bolivian mob. It looks like he’s having a blast playing this over-the-top character and he was definitely the bright spot of this film.

I also have to give a shout out to the kill scenes in this film. Wings Hauser doesn’t just come back to L.A. to kill people, he comes to kill them creatively. The setups might not make a whole lot of sense, but they are amusing. He douses one criminal with lighter fluid, lights him up, locks him on a hotel balcony, and gives the man a choice - either burn alive on the balcony or jump to your death.

3. (The Bad)

So…the real New England Patriots vs. the fake Los Angeles Hawks.

Where do I start? From the very first scene, you know what you’re in for. There’s a car chase in which the speed of the film has been altered - I’m sure they wanted to make the cars look a little bit faster, but everything just looks like it’s in fast-forward. A man being chased by Bobby Sixkiller jumps into a cement mixing truck (the slowest possible ride). He clips the back door of a van, which promptly explodes, and then continues to drive into a bus full of people, blowing himself and everyone on the bus into bits…and then this scene is never mentioned again. There’s weird stuff like this scattered all throughout the film. There’s a full scene in which a boom mic (and gaffer hand) are seen hovering at the top of the frame. Another where a battle scene that is taking place at night suddenly turns to day for no apparent reason. And the big game? It’s both the Super Bowl and the fictitious “Silver Bowl”.

Wings Hauser (who I normally like) is terrible in this film. He shows absolutely no range, even in spots that need to be heavy, like when he finds out his family has been murdered. At the funeral, he looks like he’s just bored and ready to leave, and when he’s killing bad guys, it feels like he’s just doing it out of obligation. It’s also hard to have sympathy for the character when the first thing he does (once he lands in L.A.) is bang a blonde in a light-hearted scene just to get some tits in the film. That scene also features the line, “My daddy was a farmer…a melon farmer.” as she pops her breasts out. The film drags to a halt when he’s chasing skirts and doesn’t at all feel like Clete had his priorities straight.

4. (The Ugly)

Dialogue that could never be uttered today rears its ugly head in one scene in which a female says to two football players, “I’m so sick of your cowboy consciousness and your negro arrogance.”

The way the mother gets shot in the head - that’s pretty ugly. One thing is for sure, when it comes to death scenes, No Safe Haven doesn’t shy away from the gore.

5. (The End)

This movie was clearly written as a vanity project for Wings and unfortunately, it doesn’t show off his talents. He’s stiff and seems to sleepwalk through the film. It’s the only movie ever filmed by Ronnie Rondell Jr., who primarily worked as a legendary stuntman in Hollywood, and that shows. I wouldn’t recommend watching the whole film, but I would recommend checking out some of the kills. It also ends with a fist pumping freeze-frame, which I can never get enough of.

Host (2020).

“Can’t we just do like…a board game or something?”

Directed by Rob Savage

Written by Rob Savage and Gemma Hurley

Starring Haley Bishop, Jemma Moore, Emma Louis Webb, Radina Drandova, and Caroline Ward

1. (The Stage)

Six friends jump on a Zoom call to perform an online seance. Unfortunately, they don’t take it seriously, leading to serious consequences.

2. (The Good)

Host is a really great example of relatable horror. Because of the pandemic, we’re ALL familiar with Zoom calls. It plays with common occurrences like pop-up messages, screens stuttering, calls cutting out, “funny” Zoom backgrounds, and even the sound/video quality that we’ve come to expect. It’s perfectly done and makes you feel like you’re in the room with them. The girls have great chemistry together and they have believable, natural conversation.

This film does a wonderful job of creating a creepy atmosphere using the Zoom landscape and has really great sound design. You hear knocks, but you’re not really sure which screen it’s coming from at first. Lights flickering, things moving in the background, and small sounds all add to the tension until inevitably, all hell starts breaking loose. The horror is very well done, even if you’ve seen it all before.

I appreciated Host’s runtime. It’s 57 minutes long. With the streaming platform, movies aren’t beholden to the “It needs to be at least 90 minute” runtime, and this film makes the most of its believable Zoom call length. If you end up tacking more time onto this film for a theatrical run, there’s no doubt that it would become super bloated. It tells a tight story in an easy to digest hour, and that’s literally all that was needed. Streaming movies can be any length. Let’s take some cues from Rob Savage.

3. (The Bad)

This horror formula is one you’ve seen a million times before. This will invoke memories of Unfriended or any other film with a seance scene or a Ouija board huddle. On that note, some of the jump scares and sequences are incredibly predictable, but I still found them to be a lot of fun.

4. (The Ugly)

Oh, Alan. Poor Alan. He wants nothing to do with that Zoom call. Probably on the toilet, checking his Instagram, and then…YOINK.

5. (The End)

This is a really well done, albeit clichéd and predictable horror film. I think that the fact that it takes place during the COVID-19 lockdown and entirely on Zoom will be very relatable to people and masks the minuscule budget, a fact that won’t make you feel guilty for watching it under your covers on your laptop.

Host is an easy recommendation for horror fans.

Psycho Goreman (2021).

“If you think about it, humans are the real monsters.”

Directed by Steven Kostanski

Written by Steven Kostanski

Starring Nita-Josee Hanna, Owen Myre, Matthew Ninaber, Adam Brooks, and Alexis Kara Hancey

1. (The Stage)

“Frig off.”

Two kids unearth a gem that controls an evil monster looking to destroy the universe. Unfortunately, his presence brings other unearthly beings to Earth in an effort to restore balance to the galaxy. Cool.

2. (The Good)

“I do not care for hunky boys!”

I loved this film.

The plot is ludicrous and the film leans into that wholeheartedly. Every aspect of this film is absurd and that’s where the comedy comes from. I found myself laughing several times at how ridiculous this insane ‘monster out of water’ story was.

The real comedy comes from the actors. Mimi, played by Nita-Josee Hanna is spot on as a mean-spirited, take no shit middle-schooler. She’s got this amazing kinetic energy that I could see on Saturday Night Live someday. I loved her as Mimi. Owen Myre plays…her older brother, a kid who wants to be there for his sister but is deflated, continuously bullied by her oneupmanship. Their parents, Greg and Susan, provide some of the best laughs just by interacting with each other while trapped inside of a miserable marriage. It all just works together. Then there’s the comedic timing of Psycho Goreman himself, as he gets used to a world in which he’s controlled by a crazy tween.

The creature effects are also really funny and feel like a throwback to the early days of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (pretty sure I even caught a MMPR “guitar riff” in there at the beginning of one of the ‘crazy ball’ sequences). The character designs for those not from Earth are super creative, and the low-budget look to everything gives the film an odd sense of charm. The actual gore effects seemed like practical effects as well and that really added to the fun nature of the flick. Heads are ripped off, faces are pulled from heads, and swords are literally made from someone’s bones while still fighting. Yes, that’s what you’re in for.

3. (The Bad)

“This all sounds like superstitious nonsense to me.”

If I had one criticism, I guess it would have been to give the Paladin more of a personality to match everyone else in the film, because when she spoke, everything came to a screeching halt for me. Fortunately, she wasn’t in the film that often.

I only really say that because this is Force Five, not Force Four, and I needed to fill the ‘Bad’ section with something. This movie fucking rocks.

4. (The Ugly)

“How about…Dark Lord of Wonderful Smooches?”

A “Warrior’s Ending”. Oof. It may be the highest honor, but it’s not a way I’d want to go out.

Also, you can’t help but feel for Alastair. The kid only wanted to ‘play some vids’. Now, well…

5. (The End)

“It’s fun, it’s hip, it’s wow, and it’s now!”

This film felt like it was made for me. Kids who are out of their element but don’t know it with creative, dynamic personalities, a monster who is equal parts terrifying and delightful, comedic moments that literally had me laughing out loud, cool gore effects, and awesome, low-budget monsters.

If you’re into horror comedies, I can’t see why you wouldn’t enjoy Psycho Goreman.

Martial Law (1991).

Directed by Steve Cohen

Written by Richard Brandes

Starring Cynthia Rothrock, Chad McQueen, David Carradine, and Dominos Pizza

1. (The Stage)

“Now I don’t look like a cop because there’s a girl standing next to me.”

Two ass-kicking martial artist cops named Sean and Billie (you know, that kind of cop that only existed in the early 90’s) are working hard to clean up the streets, but Dalton Rhodes isn’t making it easy on them. He’s a Kung Fu master who’s running a “cartel for hire” business out of his dojo, and one of his students is Sean’s idiot brother, Michael. Things just got personal.

2. (The Good)

David Carradine in…”Kill Dalton”.

The “good” really depends on what kind of movie you’re looking for.

There’s a scene in this film that takes place at a bar. Two plain clothes cops are standing out front, waiting for Sean. When he arrives, they say, "Faster Brown is inside. It’s packed in there, it’ll be a bloodbath if we walk in there and try to take them with guns.” Billie, his female sidekick/love interest, walks up, because “They’ll never expect I’m a cop if I walk in with a girl.”…okay, Sean. The two of them walk in and spend zero time together anyway, before flashing a badge and just beating everyone into submission without the help of the two cops holding their dicks in the parking lot. That’s the kind of movie this is.

The dialogue is bad, the acting is bad, the fight scenes that Cynthia Rothrock isn’t in are bad…this is a typical early 90’s DTV action movie. If you don’t know by now what you’re getting just by looking at the cover, watch more movies.

The main bad guy, Dalton, is apparently the master of the one point palm exploding heart technique, a fine precursor to his role as Bill in Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill.

My favorite character was Vincent Craig Dupree as Faster Brown. He was truly hamming it up every second he was on screen and the giddy look on his face just made my day.

3. (The Bad)

Is that Shawn Michaels?

Sean and Billie are terrible police officers. Almost every time they’re on screen, they risk their own lives and the lives of their fellow officers because of how reckless they are. Sean walks into a jewelry store robbery without weapons while dressed up as a Dominos delivery man. He doesn’t appear to have any kind of plan, but he starts his assault on the perps anyway. These are armed men with guns. Luckily for Sean, the men don’t know how to actually use the guns. The terrible risks are then championed by their captain, who is delightfully making faces outside of the store.

Again, this is the kind of movie this is. If this isn’t your bag, the entire movie is going to feel bad. It’s got all of the usual tropes from this era, from the homophobic jokes played for laughs to the completely inept bad dudes who should win based on their numbers, but don’t because they suck and choose to fight people one at a time.

I was actually pretty let down by the action in this. The punches and kicks don’t feel like they hit hard and the cardboard cutout bad guys aren’t really dispatched in interesting ways. Punch, kick, trip, cuff, rinse, repeat.

4. (The Ugly)

Who is this fucking idiot in the oversized suit shooting at?

The outfits are the epitome of ugly. We’ve got red sweatpants paired with a leather jacket, Cynthia Rothrock kicking ass while wearing what looks like a jacket from 1776, curly mullets, pounds of fingerless gloves, and lots and lots of jean jackets.

5. (The End)

Faster Brown.

I wasn’t impressed with Martial Law. The fight scenes were bland and weren’t well filmed, the cinematography was paint-by-numbers, the characters weren’t endearing, and the bad guy was exactly what you’d expect. This is a PG-13 movie that probably could have benefited by turning the violence knob way up. In the end, I was just kind of bored. There are many other Cynthia Rothrock movies that are better than this.

The Extras

This is a Vinegar Syndrome release, so of course the presentation is awesome. It features a new 4K scan from the original 35mm negatives, so Martial Law has never looked better. The disc also comes with Martial Law II: Undercover, but based on my indifference with this one, I’m not sure I’ll get to it anytime soon.

We also get a few featurettes. Declaring Martial Law: The Birth of a Female Action Star (which is a bit misleading because Cynthia Rothrock had been acting in kickass action roles since the mid-80’s), and Under the Law: How a Hit Became a Franchise (this focuses on Martial Law II, so I haven’t watched it yet).

It’s also got silent outtake scenes from Martial Law and the original trailers for both films.

Hunter Hunter (2020).

Directed by Shawn Linden

Written by Shawn Linden

Starring Camille Sullivan, Summer H. Howell, Devon Sawa, and wolves

1. (The Stage)

Joe, Anne, and their daughter Renee live a very simple life in the remote wilderness. They make money via fur trapping, catch their own food, boil their own water, and live without electricity. Their tranquility is threatened when a rogue wolf returns.

2. (The Good)

There are slow burn films and there are powder keg films. This is a powder keg film. We have all of these slow moving elements that you just know are going to come together for an explosive ending, and goddamn - this has one explosive ending. It’s very well paced and you just feel this incredible sense of dread leading up to the climax of the film, even if none of it is really surprising.

That slow burn wouldn’t be nearly as impactful if the acting wasn’t on point and everyone in this film absolutely kills it. Camille Sullivan is amazing as Anne, a wife torn between the love for her stubborn husband and her desire to live a more normalized life. Her role requires some heavy, HEAVY lifting, and she really makes it happen. Summer H. Howell is great as a daughter trying to follow in her father’s footsteps, and Devon Sawa just ages like fine wine. There’s another actor that appears late in the film that I don’t want to spoil here just in case, but he’s really great in a limited role as well.

Honestly, I really liked most aspects of this film. It starts as sort of a modern Revenant, but by the last third, it’s clear that you’re watching a horror film.

3. (The Bad)

The way certain characters act in this film is frustrating. That’s not an indictment on the screenwriter - the characters and they way they act are believable - it’s just frustrating when you see characters making the absolute stupidest decisions knowing that those actions are going to get people killed.

Joe is the worst offender of this. After stumbling upon a horrific, grisly scene, I think most people would tell their significant other and then get ahold of the police. Joe does not tell his family. Joe does not tell the police. Joe goes to plant some bear traps. What’s the plan here? To wait until the offender comes back? Then what? What unfolds during the last thirty minutes is entirely on Joe’s shoulders.

Finally, there’s a certain confidence in holding back pieces of information from the audience so that we can make conclusions on our own. That being said, I do wish we would have gotten a little bit more information about the wolf. These are hardened fur trappers, so what made them so afraid? I have my own thoughts around this, but I could be off entirely.

4. (The Ugly)

The last scene. That last fucking scene. It could have used another five minutes (it felt really rushed between the juxtaposition of the two groups of people), but it’s definitely a scene I’ll never forget.

5. (The End)

Hunter Hunter is a small, terrifying adventure worth taking part in. It’s the cruel truth of nature, an exercise in bad judgement, exploitation, horror, and familial drama all wrapped up in one, unforgiving package. You’ll definitely be frustrated by some of the stupid decisions people make, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t still thrilling despite that.

Another Round (Druk) (2020).

Directed by Thomas Vinterberg

Written by Thomas Vinterberg and Tobias Lindholm

Starring Mads Mikkelsen, Lars Ranthe, Maria Bonnevie, Magnus Millang, and Thomas Bo Larsen

1. (The Stage)

In this Danish film, four high school teachers on the verge of a midlife crisis perform a secret social experiment to keep their blood/alcohol level above .05% at all times during the work day. What starts as a way to open them up and allow them to enjoy life a bit more descends into issues that aren’t very fun.

2. (The Good)

I think the strongest part of this film is Mads Mikkelsen. He’s fantastic in everything he does, but normally I’ve seen him play villains in films. Here, he’s just a boring teacher, trying to spice up his life with a bit (sometimes more) of booze. He’s a complex character grappling with personal and professional issues, as are all of the characters in the film.

The film itself is an interesting juxtaposition of the good and bad sides of drinking. At its best, a bit of alcohol allows the characters to be more free and engaging with their lessons. It shows how a shot or two relaxes students just a bit to get through a tough interview. Of course, there’s another side to it when too much is consumed, and that’s where things start getting ugly.

3. (The Bad)

There’s nothing that I thought was inherently bad about Another Round, but there are two things I’d like to point out. One is that the film is very predictable. There were no moments that surprised me throughout, and I think that was a bit unfortunate.

The other is probably my fault - I thought that this was billed as a comedic drama, but there’s very little comedy in the film. There are some ‘smirk’ worthy moments, but nothing more. I think my preconceived notions going in definitely lessened my enjoyment of the film, considering I’m not a huge fan of straight dramatic films.

4. (The Ugly)

Imagine slipping into bed with your wife (who is way too hot to actually be with you) and just pissing all over her and the bed. Now that’s ugly.

5. (The End)

This is a very realistic drama about the benefits and dangers of drinking. It’s got natural, realistic performances from all of the actors and there isn’t one weak link in the bunch. I didn’t enjoy it as much as I know some have, but I’m guessing I’m in the minority with that opinion. I’d recommend it.

Don’t Panic (1988).

Directed by Ruben Galindo Jr.

Written by Ruben Galindo Jr.

Starring Jon Michael Bischof, Gabriela Hassel, Juan Ignacio Aranda, and Eduardo Noriega

NOTE: This is a Mexican film and it’s original title is Dimensiones Ocultas. It was released as Don’t Panic in the United States.

1. (The Plot)

Michael (who looks like the love child of Jan Michael Vincent and Richard Simmons) and his friends activate a Ouija Board that summons “Virgil”, some kind of devil. Now Michael is having visions of his friends being killed, and he’s the only one that can stop them…all while dressed in his big boy dinosaur pajamas.

2. (The Good)

As a horror movie, Don’t Panic is way more goofy than it is scary, but that’s part of the charm. The story is pretty standard horror fare - a demon is summoned and needs to be killed with a certain knife, but it’s not well thought out. There are no rules to the villain (here one second, gone the next, exists in dreams, exists in real life, etc.) but it’s always kind of entertaining when he shows up on screen. It’s basically one part Nightmare on Elm Street, one part Candyman.

Some of the gore effects are well done (specifically a knife through the jaw of one of the characters, thanks to Screaming Mad George), but most of the kills happen in a very PG-13 way, as characters faces writhe in pain, followed by blood hitting the ground. Hardly a puncture to be found, which is a shame, because the money shots we do see were well executed.

The whole movie is dumb fun. At one point, Michael says he’s having visions inside of his head, so his mother takes him to the optometrist. That’s what kind of film this is.

3. (The Bad)

Depending on the mood you’re in, I guess everything I think is good about the film could also be considered bad. The acting is poor, the English dubbing is hilariously bad, the plot is dumb, the PG-13 violence and the PG sex is kind of lame for a movie like this, and the special effects don’t hold up.

If there’s one thing I can hold against the film, it’s the English dubbed voice of Alexandra. It was like nails on a chalkboard.

There’s also a hilariously stupid ‘date montage’. Michael and Alexandra ditch school and act like complete tourists for some reason. We get to watch Michael stare at her slowly eating ice cream, and then once the date is over, they’re in love.

Michael’s birthday party was bad, consisting of a few sad balloons on the ground, a couple of cans of Coca-Cola, and at least one drunk friend.

4. (The Ugly)

I can’t write about Don’t Panic and leave out the ugliest thing in the film - the looks. How am I supposed to take Michael seriously when he’s a seventeen year old kid who wears colorful dinosaur jammies to bed? Tony’s got the “daytime Dracula” look, and Alexandra sports a simply masterful unibrow.

Honestly, the whole movie is sort of ugly. The cinematography is bland, the camera is lifeless. There’s nothing really special here.

5. (The End)

This is a film you’ve probably seen a million times before, just done a little better. There’s not a whole lot here for most people, but if you’re into goofy, badly dubbed movies that are more goofy than scary, there’s a bit to like here. I mean, seeing a grown man run around in that outfit might be worth the price of admission alone.

This is a Vinegar Syndrome release, so there are some extras worth digging into. You get:

“Possessed by Horror” - an interview with director Ruben Galindo Jr., and two commentary tracks - one with Ruben Galindo Jr. and one with The Hysteria Continues!

The packaging is all on point (of course it is, it’s Vinegar Syndrome!) and the movie looks really good for being from 1988.

The Dark & The Wicked (2020).

Directed by Bryan Bertino

Written by Bryan Bertino

Starring Marin Ireland, Michael Abbot Jr., Julie Oliver-Touchstone, Michael Zagst, Tom Nowicki, and Xander Berkeley

1. (The Stage)

Louise and Michael come to their parents secluded farm to visit their father, who is on his deathbed. They soon realize that something has also taken up residence in the family home…something dark and wicked.

2. (The Good)

Successful horror movies are all about atmosphere. The Dark & The Wicked builds that atmosphere wonderfully both audibly and visually and it’s never sullied with things like cheap “oh lol it’s just the family cat!” jump scares. You’re going to be filled with anxiety the entire time while watching this film.

The sound design is the first thing that stood out to me. Watch as the mother cuts carrots - you hear that knife plunging through each thread of the carrot while also cutting the silence of an old farm house. It’s perfect. You’ll dread every breath, every creak in the floor boards. The score is used sparingly, and it’s only to create atmosphere, not to pull your emotional strings.

The visuals are really great as well. There’s a particular scene near the end of the film that shows a candle lit, casting a shadow on the father’s bed frame against the wall. If you’re not paying attention, you’d miss that the straight bed posts are wavy in the shadow. Blink and you’ll miss another shadow standing in the doorway. It’s that level of detail that Bryan Bertino included in every frame of this film. The cinematography is beautiful, especially on those long shots of the farm or the goats.

The actors are all great. Both Marin Ireland and Michael Abbot Jr. pull their weight here as conflicted siblings dealing with the strange things happening to their family, but Ireland stands out with her performance as Louise. She has some scenes that are simply heartbreaking, and she really pulls it off.

Of course when it comes to horror films, the most important question is, “Is this movie scary or not?”

Yes, it is. This movie is scary as fuck.

3. (The Bad)

This is going to be really hard to explain without spoilers, so if you’re interested in this film, just skip this part of the review.

My only real criticism of the film is that we never really find out why the ‘thing’ is there and how it can be dealt with. The nurse gives what seems like a way out (love protects a soul), and one of the main characters does that, but still loses in the end. I’m okay with bleak endings and abject dread, but there needs to be some semblance of hope to really make that fully work. Clearly we see that their time in this house will live on with them, and there doesn’t see any way to beat it. I guess the point is that, in the end, evil is just…evil.

4. (The Ugly)

Let’s just say I’ll be way more careful the next time I’m chopping veggies.

5. (The End)

If you’re into atmospheric, mature horror, this is going to tickle your fancy. It’s one of the scariest movies I’ve seen in years. There’s no humor here, no moments of levity - it’s not that kind of flick. The Dark & The Wicked is going to punch you in the gut and kick you while you’re down, and it won’t let up until the credits roll…but if you’re a horror fan, sometimes you want that from a film.

Highly, highly recommended for fans of horror films.

Wonder Woman 1984 (2020).

Directed by Patty Jenkins

Written by Patty Jenkins, Geoff Johns, and Dave Callahan

Starring Gal Gadot, Kristen Wiig, Pedro Pascal, and Chris Pine

1. (The Stage)

It’s 1984, and there’s a stone that has the ability to grant people wishes! Max Lord uses this power to take control of the world’s oil supply, Diana uses this power to bring Steve Trevor back from the dead, and Barbara uses this power to change from a nerd into a hot girl, but with super powers!

2. (The Good)

I saw a Waldenbooks in the background, so that was fun.

3. (The Bad)

I’m sorry, this is going to be long. I fucking hated this film. Aside from the stupid plot (which is a shame, because the idea of wishes gone bad is an interesting one), the CGI is horrendous, the action scenes are lame, everyone not named Pedro Pascal is lifeless, the atmosphere feels incredibly forced, and the film is much too long.

Let’s start with the CGI. This is the worst big budget CGI I’ve seen since Black Panther. Whenever Wonder Woman is jumping, swinging, or running, it looks awful. In most scenes it just looks like a kid strapped into a harness trying to run up the Aggrocrag on an episode of Nickelodeon Guts. A scene in which she’s in the clouds looks like it could have been an SNL skit. The bad CGI really shows its seams in the action scenes. There’s a scene that takes place in a mall that my wife and I honestly thought was going to end up being a parody “Wonder Woman” movie being made in the 80’s as some sort of in-joke - I was actually shocked that it wasn’t. Every action sequence feels like executives said, “Let’s study some Marvel movies, and try to do that, but just way worse and without life.”

The characters all kind of suck, but the worst of them all is Diana herself. As a Smithsonian employee, she seems like she’s always having the worst time. As Wonder Woman, she has a slew of powers, but she only uses them when it’s convenient for the plot. Take her new found invisibility power, for example, which she uses to cloak an airplane but chooses not to when she needs to infiltrate the White House or a highly guarded military base. None of it makes any goddamn sense. And if you’re going to shoehorn an Asian actor in just to check a diversity box, snag a child who can act.

But this movie must be fun, it takes place in the 80’s! This film looks like it was made by people who think they know what the 80’s looked like because they watched some old Saved By The Bell episodes and picked up an “80’s Chick” costume at Spirit on their way to a Halloween party. 80’s malls were not lined with neon and bright colors, they looked just like malls today, only with a lot more people and Sam Goody stores. Of course there’s a “Let’s try on all these wacky 80’s outfits!” scene. Give me a fucking break.

At two and a half hours, this film is about an hour too long. So many scenes could have been excised from this movie and not a thing would be changed narratively. A long scene in which a plane is flying through fireworks. Looks cool, but unnecessary. The beginning ‘Olympics’ scene. All that to tell us “You have to do things the right way.” This is Wonder Woman, we already expect her to do things the right way. The second scene in the mall, unnecessary and stupid. Just tell us that the FBI raided some warehouse that was a front for old shit, we’ll believe it. We didn’t need to see it.

4. (The Ugly)

Wonder Woman totally raped that dude…right?

For this section, let us just examine how wishes work, specifically, Diana’s. She wishes that Steve was alive. Now, for other peoples’ wishes, things just pop out of mid-air, like cows and nukes. but for Diana’s wish, another actual functioning human being just sort of turns into Steve in Diana’s eyes. In others eyes, however, he’s the same guy (for the sake of this, we’ll call him Joe Schmo). We know this because Steve looks into a mirror and he sees the other dude. So Joe Schmo has this pretend (?) personality projected by Diana, but she’s fully aware that it’s not actually Steve. Eventually, she realizes that the world’s needs are greater than her own, so she renounces her wish, the dude turns back into Mr. Schmo, and all is right in Diana’s world again.

Let’s look at this from Joe’s point of view. One day, he’s grabbing a coffee at a Washington DC Starbucks, the next…poof. This motherfucker has gone missing. Several days later, he just snaps out of it on the street in the middle of a riot. What if this guy was married or had kids? They must have reported him missing. What if people saw him walking around town with Diana and told his wife? Do you think the, “I’m sorry honey, I don’t know what to tell you, I wasn’t cheating, I blacked out and woke up several days later with no recollection of the past week!” excuse would actually work? Diana also put the man’s life at risk several times (he’s on camera infiltrating the White House) and she essentially raped him.

At the end, there’s a moment when the two meet again, but he has no recollection of her. She’s standing there looking at him thinking about Steve. The audience is sitting there looking at him thinking “She’s seen your dick lol”. If the genders were reversed, and Superman had sex with some unsuspecting woman knowing that she was someone else, would he be canceled?

5. (The End)

I renounce my wish for a Wonder Woman sequel!

This is the worst superhero film I’ve ever seen (note: I haven’t seen the Ryan Reynolds Green Lantern movie or Justice League). It was complete garbage from start to finish. I cannot understand how the majority of critics like this film and I wonder if this came out in theaters in a pre-COVID world, if it would be getting the same response.

If you want an 80’s vibe, go watch Stranger Things. If you want a ‘wishes gone bad’ vibe, go watch The Wishmaster series. If you want a ‘strong woman’ vibe, go watch Mad Max Fury Road or Atomic Blonde.

This movie sucked.

Happiest Season (2020).

Directed by Clea Duvall

Written by Clea Duvall and Mary Holland

Starring Kristin Stewart, Mackenzie Davis, Mary Steenburgen, Allison Brie, Aubrey Plaza, Mary Holland, and Dan Levy

1. (The Stage)

Harper asks her girlfriend Abby to come home with her for Christmas. The catch? Harper’s family doesn’t know she’s gay and they’re going to need to keep it a secret, because her family is filled with image-obsessed assholes. Unfortunately for Abby, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

2. (The Good)

This film has a bevy of talent attached, and they all play their roles well. Dan Levy as John is a ray of sunshine. He’s very funny and oozes charisma. Aubrey Plaza plays it straight here (insert sly smirk) instead of her normal sarcastic demeanor, which was refreshing. I also thought that Mary Holland, who plays Jane, was really great. She stole just about every scene she was in, even when the “jokes” the script was trying to ram through her didn’t work out. Kristin Stewart was good, even if she did fall back on the ‘brooding’ technique that we so often see her portray. Mary Steenburgen was really good too.

The best scene in the movie is a very touching one between John and Abby, in which John explains to Abby that everyone has a different version of their own ‘coming out’ story. Some are good and some are bad, and each person should only come out when they’re ready. Unfortunately, this amazing scene is lost amongst countless others that made me want to shut the movie off long before this happens.

3. (The Bad)

Despite all of the talent attached, a film is only going to be as good as its script…and this was a bad script. It essentially asks the audience to hate every single person in this family (aside from Jane, who is made to look like a caricature of an actual human being until the final five minutes) and then instantly forgive them in a thin veil of redemption after an extremely superficial “Hey look, they’re not that bad after all!” moment that just doesn’t feel earned.

Harper does not deserve Abby. She’s an asshole the entire trip towards her and just seems like a bad partner (and has a history of such). If I were Abby, I’d have bounced two days into that trip. I was sincerely hoping that during the ‘One Year Later’ segment that we’d get a “happy ending” with Abby snuggled up on the couch with Riley while Harper and her family deal with their issues in a healthy way.

Almost every character in this film is a piece of shit, but Sloane (played by Allison Brie) is the worst of the bunch. Not only is she insufferable every time she’s on screen, she participates in a cartoonish fight ending with the classic Tom & Jerry “smash a painting over someone’s head” ending, and she’s bred two little shit kids that act the same way she does. The kids would probably be worst people if we’d seen more of them, but they are simply used as a plot device to get Abby in trouble for shoplifting at the mall in a scene that might just make your eyes roll so hard they pop out of your fucking skull.

4. (The Ugly)

This was supposed to be a great moment in cinema, a widely distributed movie with a great cast that was focused on a lesbian couple. Unfortunately, we got an unenjoyable mess that got tossed on Hulu. The LGBTQ community deserves better than this.

5. (The End)

I love a good Christmas movie and I was really hoping that this one would find it’s way into my yearly rotation. Instead, I watched a movie packed with unlikeable characters and found myself rooting against the relationship that the filmmakers posited as the ‘happy ending’, which is a huge death knell for any romantic film. I thought this movie was terrible and a waste of a good cast.

Tenet (2020).

Directed by Christopher Nolan

Written by Christopher Nolan

Starring John David Washington, Robert Pattinson, Elizabeth Debicki, and Kenneth Branagh

NOTE: There will be minor spoilers in this review. Read at your own risk.

1. (The Stage)

A government agent must use his resources to stop a terrorist who can invert time.

2. (The Good)

It’s always really cool when a filmmaker goes all in on an original idea. The thought that a person can essentially rewind through time - in real time - is awesome and inventive. Nolan also thought of the logistics of this, factoring in how things like lungs and fire work while essentially in negative space. The mechanism of time has always been a theme in Christopher Nolan’s films and this film really challenges the viewer with how we perceive time and how we make sense of what’s happening on screen.

The visuals that go along with this are simply breathtaking. There’s a fight scene in the film that is clearly the best shot of the movie, and I’m still trying to figure out how it was done. On one hand, you have The Protagonist (played by John David Washington, and yes, that’s his ‘name’ in the film) in our timeline, and then you have a mystery man clad in black who’s fighting on an opposite timeline. It’s utterly insane, especially when you consider what happens with that same scene later on. It’s stunning. The other inverted time visuals don’t disappoint either, including one building that blows up, reforms, and then blows up again instantly. It looked great in 4K UHD.

Kenneth Branagh plays international gun runner Sator, and although he doesn’t have much depth aside from being “insanely jealous bad guy”, it’s fun watching Branagh essentially twist his mustache and be evil. Robert Pattinson is fantastic as Neil. Give me a Neil movie, please - Neil has way more charisma than The Protagonist and I was relieved whenever he was on screen.

3. (The Bad)

When the film was over, I had a discussion with my wife and said something along the lines of, “I’m teetering between feeling dumb because I don’t understand certain aspects of the movie and calling this script kind of bad because it doesn’t explain (or understand) some of the elements itself.” I consider myself pretty bright and can normally decipher what’s going on in movies that some would say are tough to understand, but the world of ‘inversion’ just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense when you really start thinking about it. How would people eat and digest things? How much air does the person have to breath before their tank runs out of oxygen? How does the actual machine work?

Time stuff aside, the script just seems poorly written in many different aspects. Take character motivations, for one. The Protagonist (who’s supposed to be this cold, no nonsense agent) puts the entire universe in jeopardy for a woman he just met? That same woman takes actions during the film that are insanely selfish and stupid and she makes them more than once. The script also had some laughable dialogue…there’s a moment where they say something to the effect of, “…and everyone on Earth will die.” and Kat replies, “Even my son?” No, dummy. Your son will be the one person who survives. How did people say those lines during read throughs and not say, “This is stupid.”?

Although Pattinson and Branagh give great performances, we spend most of our time with John David Washington’s Protagonist, who has the charisma and charm of a wet cardboard box. I don’t think it’s Washington’s fault - I think the part was written as someone who’s cold and emotionless. I felt no connection to this character. Never once did I think, “Yeah, this is a guy who gets shit done.”

The final battle is a cool looking exercise in utter nonsense. There are three streams of soldiers on the field - good guys in our time, bad guys in our time, and good guys in reverse time…only, we literally never see any bad guys. Who the fuck are they fighting against? There are some really cool special effects in this part of the film, but it’s shot so incomprehensibly that it doesn’t make me care. If there were bad guys on the field, what the heck were they fighting for? “I’d better not let these guys stop the world from blowing up and killing every single one of us!”

Finally, the sound mixing in this film is an absolute disaster. I watched it with the subtitles on but still had to constantly raise and lower the volume on my remote. I’m almost glad I didn’t see it in a theater.

4. (The Ugly)

A thug gets his face pounded with a cheese grater. Now that’s ugly. I’m still getting the hang of how his time stuff worked, but did I also see someone get sealed into a wall at some point? What a way to go.

5. (The End)

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not dumb for not fully understanding the framework of this film. I think the script is dumb and it happens to be wrapped up in awesome visuals. It’s a beautiful looking film with some great ideas that aren’t fully explored and don’t make sense. Tenet is worth a watch, but looking at Christopher Nolan’s oeuvre, I think that it’s his worst film yet.

Turbulence (1997).

Directed by Robert Butler

Written by Jonathan Brett

Starring Lauren Holly, Ray Liotta, Brendan Gleeson, Healy from Orange is the New Black, and a very resilient 747.

1. (The Stage)

It’s Christmas Eve, and despite it being a huge travel day, there are only about 10 passengers on one of the world’s biggest planes heading from New York to Los Angeles. Unfortunately for the airline, it’s losing money on this trek. Oh, and 2 of those 10 passengers are convicts - one is a hardened Southern bank robber. The other is a serial killer named Ryan Weaver…but is he really a serial killer, or was it all manufactured by a detective who really wants to become famous? Spoiler alert: he’s a fucking serial killer.

2. (The Good)

Ray Liotta plays Ryan Weaver, and he’s about the only good thing in this forgettable Christmas yarn. He seriously looks like he’s having fun and he chews the scenery at every turn. I think his character choice was one of Hannibal Lecter, albeit more “rapey” and less subtle. He’s a very intelligent serial killer (we know this because he…reads books and enjoys “challenging conversations”). His M.O. is to emotionally connect with women, buy them a stuffed animal, and then kill them, I guess. Look, if it seems like I’m grasping at straws, I am - this is all the screenwriter gives us.

95% of the film takes place on the plane, but some of the exterior shots look nice and there’s a decent shot of Liotta and Lauren Holly as the lights flicker on and off in the cabin amongst the cacophony of Christmas lights, which looks pretty great.

3. (The Bad)

This screenplay is dumb. Like really fucking stupid. Every character here makes about the dumbest decision you can possibly make in every single situation. About 30 minutes into the movie, the plane is left without pilots because one walked into a bullet (“Hey, what’s going on down here?” he exclaims, as people are shooting at each other, calmly walking into the path of hot lead) and the other killed himself by smacking his head into the console when he decided to try and walk around while a hole that was blown into the side of the plane was jerking the vessel like a dog with a chew toy.

The protagonist, Terri, has multiple chances to kill Weaver, but doesn’t. It’s another ‘character in a horror movie runs upstairs instead of running out the front door’ film, but the character just keeps running until they’re 35,000 feet in the air. Don’t even get me started on the incompetent law enforcement. At the beginning of the film, they’re staking him out with multiple officers while he skips around town shopping for stuffed koala bears. My initial thought is, “Maybe they are letting him lead them to something.” Well, they lead him to his girlfriend’s house, and they just break the door down and arrest him. Why not just arrest him outside of the toy store? Idiocy. Every single one on the plane deserved what they got because of their lack of intelligence in dealing with Stubbs, a character played by Brendan Gleeson. The cop who broke the rules on the ground never sees comeuppance for his rule breaking ways.

There are like 8 other passengers on board that are still alive, but the screenwriter can’t find a thing to do with them so Ray Liotta just sort of stuffs them into a pantry until the plane lands and then they safely pop out like they’re part of a goddamn magic show. About an hour in, I thought to myself, “Wait…are those other passengers dead?” Nope. Just stowed away like the rest of the luggage.

4. (The Ugly)

Brendan Gleeson as Stubbs was comically bad. I can only imagine the director’s instructions to him were, “Just play Stubbs as whatever yokel you picture that comes from the furthest backwoods in Alabama.”

There’s also a scene in which Terri flies her plane through the top of a hotel in Las Vegas and then drives the landing gear through the top of a tall parking garage, plowing multiple cars off of the edge. Afterwards, she sighs, and the people in the control tower crack jokes, but they must have realized that both of those fuckups probably killed multiple people…right? Props to the pilot though, who gets the ‘landing for dummies’ lesson and saves the day.

One more bit of ugliness - this film was made for 55 million dollars and only grossed 11 million dollars at the box office, which is a massive flop. Any idea why? It’s a movie set during Christmas that they (for some stupid reason) released January 10th, about five weeks too late.

5. (The End)

This movie is a mess. It’s dumb, and outside of Ray Liotta, there’s not much to see here. Lauren Holly really tries as Terri, but she’s given nothing to work with. I found it much more enjoyable when I pictured Mary Swanson, her character from Dumb and Dumber, walking into the airport in the beginning of that film and then Turbulence actually being the second half of that flick.