Massacre in Dinosaur Valley (1985).
“You’re a stinkin’ murderer!”
Directed by Michele Massimo Tarantini (as Michael E. Lemick)
Written by Michele Massimo Tarantini
Starring Michael Sopkiw, Suzane Carvalho, Milton Rodriguez, Susie Hahn, and Marta Anderson
1. (The Stage)
A small plane carrying some fossil hunters and a pair of fashion models crashes somewhere in the Amazon jungle. To make it out, the gang will have to battle cannibalistic tribes, slave traders, and each other.
2. (The Good)
The movie is very campy and has everything you expect from an Italian exploitation film. Goofy dubbing, a copious amount of nudity, decent gore effects, and endearing low budget production value.
The main character is charismatic, a perfect example of having a lot of braun and absolutely zero brains. He’s funny in a movie, but you’d quickly delete his number from your phone if you knew him in real life. In fact, he almost gets nearly everyone killed in this film on multiple occasions, not the least of which features him allowing his love interest to be shot at by eight men while he waits for an apology. Then again, had she been ventilated with bullet holes, he doesn’t seem like a man that would care that much.
The female actresses are decent and spend about a third of the runtime topless. Most of the supporting characters (well, really all of the characters) are all undeveloped and don’t add much to the story, but at least they are offed in interesting ways.
3. (The Bad)
There’s not one fucking dinosaur in this movie! There’s really no massacre either.
Seriously though, it’s really hard to root for a main character as dumb as Kevin Hall (or as he introduces himself, “Hall. Kevin. Kevin Hall.”). For instance, after the gang just got through a pond that is infested with flesh eating piranhas, Kevin decides to fight an Army Captain in the very same pond (of course no piranhas touch them). He also has the jump on the main baddie at the end and could easily kill him at any time, but he waits until his love interest is raped, then gives his terrible position away, and lets the bad guy shoot at him a few times before he makes a move.
Oh, and I mentioned rape. Don’t go near Sao Paulo, Brazil, because this movie makes it seem like every man there is either a rapist or a pervert. The way every man acts in this film is troubling and sickening, including the main character.
Oh, and Severin, we have to talk about this cover art:
What’s with the gun? There’s never a machine gun featured in this movie. There are no automatic weapons of any kind. We see Kevin tote a shotgun and China has a revolver, but at least make sure whoever designs the cover has actually seen the film! The exclusive slipcover looks awesome though (even if it still has nothing to do with the film, featuring diamonds and some horned statue or creature?).
4. (The Ugly)
While endearing, the production value is hilarious. The first example of this, we see a plane that is going to crash, but it’s clearly a miniature. We follow the mini as it crashes into a puddle and then the bushes in someone’s front yard. It’s so funny. We also see a body falling down a water fall that’s clearly a dummy and many recycled shots. All staples of low budget Italian production.
My mind still isn’t made up on the worst way someone eats it in Massacre in Dinosaur Valley, but I’d probably have to choose drowning via quicksand.
5. (The End)
Massacre at Dinosaur Valley scratches the exploitation itch quite nicely. It’s action packed, and even though the fighting doesn’t really happen until an hour into the film, there’s enough to keep you entertained until everything stuffed into the back half is presented. It features beautiful women and meaty gore with dubbing that will probably give you a few laughs.
The Severin disc looks nice and was scanned uncut in 4K from the original negative. There are two interviews included - Valley Boy, an interview with the lead actor Michael Sopkiw, and Lost in Brazil, an interview with co-writer Dardano Sacchetti. Rounding out the good stuff are some deleted and extended scenes.
