A Christmas Story (1983).
…and the Ralphie Parker Cinematic Universe.
Bob Clark had a rollercoaster career directing films. Sure, he made the Baby Genius flicks and he was guilty of putting Rhinestone on celluloid, but he made the best holiday horror of all time (Black Christmas), one of the definitive teen sex comedies of all time (Porky’s). Additionally, somewhere in the middle of all that, he directed everyone’s favorite Christmas Eve background film - the perpetually looped-on-TBS classic, A Christmas Story.
A Christmas Story was originally released in the holiday season of 1983 and, despite the praises of Roger Ebert, underperformed at the box office. In the years since, the film has gained an immense following (thanks to repeated showings on television), quickly becoming a family tradition for many and earning the top spot on many publications’ “Best Christmas Movie” lists. Ebert followed up his original 1983 review with a 2000 retrospective in which he wrote, “In a poignant way, A Christmas Story records a world that no longer quite exists in America. Kids are no longer left unattended in the line for Santa. The innocence of kids' radio programs has been replaced by slick, ironic children's programming on TV. The new Daisy BB guns have a muzzle velocity higher than that of some police revolvers, and are not to be sold to anyone under 16. Nobody knows who Red Ryder was, let alone that his sidekick was Little Beaver.” He was right in 2000, but now in 2022, the world of A Christmas Story is simply unrecognizable.
Recently, I saw A Christmas Story 2, and digging in a bit more, I was surprised to learn that not only was it NOT the first sequel to A Christmas Story, but that A Christmas Story wasn’t even the first film featuring Ralphie Parker. There was this whole Ralphie Parker Cinematic Universe that I hadn’t even scratched the surface of. The world of Ralphie Parker actually started on TV, with a spot on the series Visions.
The Phantom of the Open Hearth (1976)
In 1976, Jean Shepherd wrote and narrated his first of the “Ralphie Parker Cinematic Universe”, titled The Phantom of the Hearth. It was produced for the TV show Visions. Visions was an anthology series that often featured original stories that were mainly period pieces. The Phantom of the Open Hearth followed the same format we know and love from A Christmas Story - an older Ralph, looking back with great nostalgia on the youthful moments that made him who he was today. Many of these elements would be lifted straight from this film and used again in A Christmas Story, including the infamous Leg Lamp gag.
Our first view of the teenage Ralph Parker is portrayed by David Elliott, who was relatively unknown at the time but would go on to play many characters on TV shows. The old man was played by Matthew Broderick’s father James Broderick. Barbara Bolton played the mother, William Lampley played Flick, and Brian Utman (who, after playing Jason on Herbie the Love Bug, was relegated to roles like “Military Man #4” and “Eager Cop”) played Schwartz. It’s a funny introduction to the characters we know and love, even if some of the stories seem repetitive after multiple A Christmas Story viewings.
The Great American 4th of July and Other Disasters (1982)
A year before Peter Billingsly stepped into the most iconic iteration of the character, another future star would don the moniker of Ralph Parker - Matt Dillon. This made-for-TV trip through blue collar Indiana focused again on Ralph’s high school adventures, this time featuring school band and a blind date, and of course, fireworks mishaps.
James Broderick, Barbara Bolton, and William Lampley all reprised their roles while Jeff Yonis (who literally did nothing after this) plays Schwartz. This is a mediocre entry in the series but is fun in a cheesy way. A scene in which Ralph meets his blind date is particularly heavy on the cheese as the camera bounces in and out of close ups as Ralph’s heart beats. Harmless fun. The only available way to see this is, unfortunately, on YouTube in less than VHS quality.
The Star-Crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski (1985)
In 1985, the PBS series American Playhouse again produced the first made-for-TV sequel to A Christmas Story titled The Star-Crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski. After converting Ralph into a grade school kid for A Christmas Story, he’s back to a teenager here. As Ralph and his family prepare for Thanksgiving, he finds himself infatuated with the Polish girl who has moved in next door. Unfortunately, her family sees his fawning as a prelude to marriage, and of course things escalate from there.
Its narrated once again by Jean Shepherd. Peter Kowanko plays Ralph and George Coe plays his old man. Barbara Bolton, William Lampley, and Jeff Yonis all reprise their roles. The rest of the cast is a who’s who of “Who?”. Although the film failed to gain much traction over the years, it’s one of the more solid Thanksgiving movies that exist (a great Thanksgiving triple-feature with A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and of course, 1987’s Blood Rage). Unfortunately, any physical DVD you find of this is going to be ripped from a VHS copy that’s ripped from a TV broadcast.
Ollie Hopnoodle’s Haven of Bliss (1988)
The second made-for-TV film featuring Ralph and his family was titled Ollie Hopnoodle’s Haven of Bliss. It aired on the Disney Channel in 1988 and again followed Ralph as a teenager, this time eschewing the holiday theme in favor of a summer setting. The film is an odd mixture of one part more lighthearted Blue Collar and one part National Lampoon’s Vacation. The first half follows Ralph working his summer job as a mover while his mother searches for the family dog and the second half is your typical “everything goes wrong” road trip flick.
Jean Shepherd is still narrating and Fred Barzyk, who directed The Star-Crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski is again behind the camera. Ralph is played by a young Jerry O’Connell, the old man is played by James Sikking, and Dorothy Lyman (best known for playing Naomi Harper on Mama’s Family) plays the mom. It does play fast and loose with the Christmas Story mythos, swapping the character traits of Flick and Schwartz (in A Christmas Story, Flick is the cool one, here, Schwartz is the cool one) - but maybe they just changed as they grew up a bit. Either way, it’s a solid entry in the series. Again, there’s no physical copy of this one and predictably, it’s not available on Disney+.
It Runs in the Family (aka My Summer Story) (1994)
Plans for a sequel started in 1984, but it took another ten years until It Runs in the Family, the only theatrical sequel to A Christmas Story, hit theaters. Once again we get a pre-teen Ralph as he, Flick, and Schwartz navigate their summer. Scut Farcus (now played by Chris Owen, aka The Sherminator) has been relegated to a henchman in favor of a new bully named Lug Ditka, a feared top battler who looks like the human version of Sid from Toy Story. One subplot sees Ralphie write a book report on an erotic Italian book. Another sees the old man going up against his yokel neighbors, the Bumpus family (or, the Bumpi, as Ralph calls them). It’s about as weird as it sounds.
Aside from Jean Shepherd’s last ride as the narrator, there is no connective tissue here. Young Ralph is played by Kieran Culkin and his parents are played by Charles Grodin and Mary Steenburgen. I did not like this film at all. It feels like Jean Shepherd almost started to become a parody of himself - his wry, dry humor being turned up a few too many notches. The “dream sequences” in the Ralphie Parker Cinematic Universe have always been outlandish, but this one makes the real life sequences outlandish as well.
In theaters, this was called It Runs in the Family, which was changed to My Summer Story for some reason when it hit home video. Unlike the previous sequels, this film was put out on VHS, DVD, and most recently, Blu-ray.
A Christmas Story 2 (2012)
The mid-2000’s saw a lot of movies get unnecessary sequels as the Direct-to-DVD model was booming. Films like Cruel Intentions, The Skulls, The Tooth Fairy, and more all had sequels no one asked for and no one wanted to see. A Christmas Story was yet another casualty of that fad. It bills itself as an official sequel, despite not having anything to do with Jean Shepherd or his books while completely disregarding the events and characters of It Runs in the Family. We’re back to a teenage Ralph, who has traded in his desire to attain a Red Ryder BB gun and has instead become focused on a used Mercury Eight convertible. When he inadvertently causes damage to the car at the dealership, he’s forced to spend his Christmas vacation earning enough dough to pay the dealer back, or he’ll be tossed in jail.
The film is about as stupid as it sounds. It lacks the wit, charm, and characters that the first film had, simply relying on the nostalgia you hold for the original, while lifting story elements from Ollie Hopnoodle’s Haven of Bliss. Braeden Lemasters plays a ridiculous looking Ralph Parker, Daniel Stern plays the old man, and Stacey Travis plays the Mom. The rest of the cast is relatively unknown. It was directed by Brian Levant, best known for his other Christmas barnburner, Jingle All The Way. Nat Mauldin both wrote and narrated the movie, which is a bit baffling considering Daniel Stern, one of the most beloved narrators for his work on a very similarly themed show The Wonder Years, was part of the cast. I’d have found someone else to play the old man and let Mr. Stern do the lifting on the narration, but what do I know?
A Christmas Story Christmas (2022)
Amended: 11/25/2022
Well, the older post had been up for a few years now and there’s yet ANOTHER entry to the Christmas Story saga - A Christmas Story Christmas, which was developed for HBO Max.
This legacy sequel follows Ralphie Parker, who’s now an adult, as he returns to the house on Cleveland Street to give his kids a magical Christmas like the one he had as a child, reconnecting with childhood friends and reconciling the passing of The Old Man.
This entry is directed by Clay Kaytis, who had already been to the Christmas well with Christmas Chronicles on Netflix. He also wrote the film along with Nick Shenck, who has written some of Clint Eastwood’s more recent fare. A lot of the same actors are back so many years later, which is a nice touch. It is a shame that Melinda Dillon did not come back to play Ralphie’s mother, but Julie Hagerty was good.
And with that, we’ve come to a close on the Ralphie Parker Cinematic Universe. There are also other iterations of A Christmas Story, including stage plays and a FOX broadcast of “A Christmas Story Live”, but I don’t consider those part of the cinematic canon. Most of the films mentioned are available on YouTube (although in regrettable quality), so they are accessible to most. Hopefully you had some fun digging into the wild history of Ralphie Parker, before you snuggle up on the couch, flip to TBS, turn off the leg lamp, and watch A Christmas Story this year.
The Orange Years: The Nickelodeon Story (2020).
1. (The Plot)
The Orange Years is a documentary film about the formative years of the Nickelodeon network. It covers the creation and legacy of every show that you either grew up watching or that influenced the shows you grew up watching.
2. (The Good)
I’m always a bit apprehensive when it comes to documentaries covering those things that I grew up with. I’m worried that scandals will be uncovered or that people that I used to love weren’t great people. Luckily, this documentary doesn’t go for shock value or what I’d call “cheap heat”. It’s just authentic people talking about the creations that they poured their hearts into, and not a stone is left unturned.
I grew up during the “Orange Years”. I remember Doug airing for the first time. I remember watching The Adventures of Pete & Pete and thinking to myself, “This is really weird, and I don’t really know what’s happening, but i like it.” I remember wishing that I could be slimed. I remember wanting to be on Double Dare, trying to dig a flag out of a giant nose so that I could win a trip to Space Camp or at the very least, a year’s supply of Hershey’s syrup (although today I realize that a year’s supply of Hershey’s syrup is really just Costco sized bottle). It’s great to be able to go back and step behind the curtain a bit to see what had to happen to get these shows on the air. So many people are here to tell their sides of the story, from those behind the scenes to those in front of the camera.
To feed that nostalgia, not only are there clips from the show, but there are also the old commercial bumpers which brought back a ton of memories. “Ni-ni-ni-ni-ni-ni-niiiiiick…Nickelodeon.” (If you know, you know.)
3. (The Bad)
Honestly, I just wanted more. I wanted more on some of those shows with a smaller fan following, some of those underrated shows. Luckily, I’ll be covering that on the Force Five Podcast very soon with some very special filmmakers (hint: it’s these filmmakers) because it’s impossible to give every show over the span of years their due when you’ve got to cram it into a sub-two hour package.
Oh, and they didn’t get Brad from Hey, Dude on camera. I’d love to see what she’s up to these days.
4. (The Ugly)
There was nothing ugly about this film on behalf of the filmmakers, but holy shit, I forgot how nightmarish the visuals from Pinwheel were. Imagine watching that show on mushrooms.
5. (The End)
This is a lighthearted walk down memory lane with the people who paved the road in the first place. It’s chock full of stories and laughs, and sometimes you want a documentary that does just that. I laughed, literally cried (which I did not expect - there’s footage from a segment featuring an athlete on Nick News and it fucking destroyed me), and I loved every minute. I highly recommend this.
Terminal Velocity (1994).
“It’s an American classic.” - Kerr
1. (The Plot)
Charlie Sheen plays Olympic-gymnast-turned-skydiver Ditch Brodie - yes, you read that right, and it’s an awesome name - takes a young woman up for her first skydiving lesson. When he turns his back for a split-second, she jumps from the plane by herself. Despite a valiant effort, Brodie cannot save her as she fails to pull her parachute and creates her very own ditch in the ground…but something doesn’t add up.
Now Ditch finds himself dodging James Gandolfini and Shooter McGavin while trying to solve a mystery filled with blondes, skydiving, and the weirdest fucking product placement you’ll ever see in a film.
Charlie Sheen literally shooting the ground.
2. (The Good)
The sky-diving sequences in this film are genuinely thrilling, which is a necessity because the rest of the film is a complete mess. The cinematography during these stunts is really sharp as well, and for the most part, they hold up nearly 30 years later.
There’s one particular action scene near the end of the film that is simultaneously the best and worst action sequence I’ve ever seen. Charlie Sheen, who plays Ditch Brodie, boards an aircraft in an effort to save Krista (played by Natassja Kinski), who happens to be locked in the trunk of a car. Sheen jumps into the car and hits reverse, sending the car into a freefall. He then scales the car while in the air and attempts to get the woman out of the trunk. It’s completely bonkers, but it was a highlight. This film needed more of that - it’s like a sequence from Fast Five, only 20 years prior.
James Gandolfini is in here as well and he’s terrific (even if his character’s name - Mr. Pinkwater - would suggest otherwise). I don’t think I have ever seen a poor performance from that man, although if you’ve literally seen any other movies, you can spot the “Wait…he was a bad guy all along!?” moment coming from miles away. Playing the straight man to Shooter McGavin pushing the cheese dial all the way past ten makes Gandolfini feel like he thought he was in a completely different movie.
“Stop blowing smoke up my schzopa.” - Ditch Brodie
3. (The Bad)
Almost everything other than the action scenes. The acting is atrocious, particularly Charlie Sheen and Christopher McDonald. The latter plays this stock 90’s bad guy with bleached-blonde hair and he’s as inept as villains get. The chemistry between Sheen and Kinski’s obviously forced love connection is missing in action. The script is an abomination.
Charlie Sheen plays this womanizing oaf, one who’s as bad with guns as he is understanding simple birthday instructions. Take the first scene for example. Sheen (who moonlights as a skydiving stripper - yes, you also read that right) is skydiving through Tucson with the intent to land at what he believes is a bachelorette party, but ends up being an 8 year old’s birthday party. There are many things wrong with this scene, so let’s tackle them one at a time. We’ll give Ditch Brodie a break for a minute and start with the parents.
First, why would these parents throw a birthday party in the walkway of what looks to be some kind of City Hall building? You’d have multiple people walking through this party all day long, even on a weekend. If you really just HAVE to have a birthday party in front of City Hall, have it on the grass! Second, if you’re throwing an 8 year old a birthday party, why on Earth would you book a skydiver to just pop in for a second? No kid would care about this overly elaborate stunt.
A perfectly normal place for a child’s birthday party.
So let’s assume that Brodie does not belong to some very niche company that supplies skydivers who just drop into parties for some extra cash and that he’s gone into business for himself. How does one mistake a birthday party for a child for a bachelorette party? People don’t typically have bachelorette parties in the middle of the day in front of the city’s political center. He lands wearing pants, and, completely oblivious of his audience (or, even worse, cognizant of it) he rips his pants off to reveal ass-less leather chaps with the words “KISS THIS” crudely painted on his ass cheeks.
Now if you see the picture above, it looks like he’s just wearing some half-baked dollar store super hero outfit from the front with a party in the back. Unfortunately, we have to read a bit more into this, taking into account the reaction from the people we can see - gasping and covering their young ones’ eyes. After analyzing this scene for far too long, I must assume that Ditch Brodie has his dick and/or balls hanging out for all to see.
Displayed, in all his glory.
Perhaps the worst offender in this movie is the dialogue that the actors were forced to say. I don’t think we’ll ever hear the phrase, “I’m much more than a walking penis…I’m a flying penis.” uttered on-screen again.
There’s also this very minor side character played by the beautiful Sofia Shinas that I have to at least mention. She’s a jump instructor just like Charlie Sheen’s character, but she’s got two broken legs (nothing says “Skydiving is perfectly safe” quite like walking into a jump warehouse and seeing the instructor hobbling around on crutches). Her character’s name in the credits? Broken Legs Max. At the end of the film, her legs are no longer broken, but her arm is. It’s like a weird running joke plucked straight from a stupid SNL skit.
“Let's just say she did for bullshit what Stonehenge did for rocks” - Ditch Brodie
4. (The Ugly)
Let’s talk about some Cadillac product placement. Kerr is a bad man but he loves his fucking Cadillac. He comments on it several times in the film, including this 30 second gem:
He’s so attached to this car, that when Charlie Sheen backs it out of a moving airplane 20,000 feet above the ground, he decides that he’d rather hold on to the hood of his shiny red ride and die with it rather than letting it go. Oh, and the trunk lever just breaks right off in Sheen’s hand when the car is free-falling, so if you like opening your trunk, this probably isn’t the car for you.
It may just be one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen a character do and it’s most certainly up there with the weirdest ad placements I’ve ever seen in a film.
“You go…we go.” - Kerr, probably.
One other thing of note - the character Ditch Brodie was named Cornelius “Woody” Gibbs in the script, so I guess that would have been really ugly.
5. (The End)
Look, I tried to save everyone the trouble and uploaded the action scenes to YouTube, but Disney apparently owns the rights to this flick and they’re not letting anyone roll them up. Even with the speed upped by 10%, YouTube still blocks it worldwide. Bottom line is that the skydiving scenes are pretty great and although the film as a whole isn’t good, I could see this being fun if you were under the influence and watching with a few buddies all primed for a good time. If you can find the Blu-ray for under $10, it might be worth a pickup.
Side note, and something that I thought was completely weird - I was looking at the back of the Blu-ray from Kino and noticed that there are two screenshots on the back. Here’s a pic.
That first pic is simply a screen grab from a ridiculous scene that I didn’t even mention. But that second pic?
In the movie, Sheen reverses the car from the plane while sitting in the driver’s seat. In this pic, it looks as if Sheen pushed the car out of the plane and is hanging onto the back, complete with “speed lines” (don’t get excited, Charlie - different kind of speed). I think it’s just a poor photoshop trying to insinuate that the scene has progressed to the point that Sheen was trying to unlock the woman from the trunk. If that was the case, just photoshop the plane out.
I’ve written far too much about this movie by this point.
Fat Man (2020).
1. (The Plot)
Billy Wenan is a rich brat who uses his money and resources to get ahead - like momentarily kidnapping a rival classmate in order to win the first prize at the science fair. When he gets a lump of coal from Santa Claus, Billy has two options - be good and learn from his past wrongs, or hire a hitman to kill jolly ol’ Chris Cringle. Jonathan Miller, who has his own beef with Santa takes on the job and thus begins the hunt for Saint Nick.
Meanwhile, up at the North Pole, Santa’s got some problems of his own. He’s financed by the government for presents made and delivered, but with kids making more and more bad decisions, his paycheck is getting smaller by the year. Agitated and down on his luck, Chris Cringle is the last person that should be fucked with.
‘Tis the season to get even.
2. (The Good)
Walton Goggins is great in everything and this film is no exception. His role in this is straight out of a comic book - a toy store owner who is obsessed with toys, yet moonlights as a “yes man” for anyone willing to pay him. His dialogue is mostly stupid but still enjoyable because of how Goggins delivers the line. Talking to himself while trying to pick out a hunting outfit was particularly funny. America’s favorite anti-semite, Mel Gibson, plays Santa straight here - he’s not going for laughs. He even shows off his acting chops in a scene in which he tells his elves that their early months of the year are going to be a bit different around the workshop.
I enjoyed the world that the Nelms Brothers crafted here. It’s one that’s sort of grounded in reality, but not without it’s fantastical magical elements that I suppose a Santa story needs to get by. Small touches like the elves diet (which consists of nearly straight sugar) and the explanation of how Santa Claus gets paid were nice.
As for the technical aspects, I liked that their script didn’t hold the audience’s hand. We’re dropped into this world, and if you missed one line, you might be confused as to how Santa gets paid, or why Jonathan Miller has a vendetta against Santa. The cinematography is quite good as well, particularly the scene in which Santa and Mr. Miller meet face to face for the first time amongst a blanket of fresh, North Pole snow.
3. (The Bad)
The tone here is really weird, to say the least. It’s billed as an ‘darkly comedic action film’, but it’s more of a quirky drama. The action doesn’t pop off until the last twenty minutes, so it’s tough to call it an action film. The comedic elements are more along the lines of “Hey, that’s sort of unusual.”, so for some people with a certain sense of humor, this will definitely fall flat. That being said, it is amusing seeing Walton Goggins study cartoons of Santa Claus to try to figure out where he lives. They could have gone full “80’s” and had wacky one-liners here and there but the Nelms Brothers kept their script a bit more grounded.
The character of Billy is very one-note as well, I did not enjoy seeing him on screen. I hope that Chase Hurstfield isn’t typecast as the typical “little shit” (as Miller has him in his phone) because he’s been that in two movies now (Good Boys is the other). I also didn’t feel like Mel Gibson and Marianne Jean-Baptiste (who plays Mrs. Claus) had any chemistry.
4. (The Ugly)
I bet Mel Gibson is the first person to direct a movie about Jesus and then play Santa Claus.
5. (Final Thoughts)
After one viewing, I don’t know whether I loved or hated this film, which I suppose is a good thing…? It’s a bit of a slow burn, but once the climax kicks in, I was pretty entertained. I could see this becoming a once every few years kind of watch. It’s certainly different than most of the saccharine Christmas movies that studios pump out every year. If you like Mel Gibson or Goggins, I’d recommend seeing it just for the novelty that a movie this strange got made in the first place.
Oh, and I think it has a strong Christmas message for today’s misguided youth: Be good or I’ll fucking kill you.
Panther Squad (1984).
1. (The Plot)
In the future, there’s a new United Nations (called the New Order of Nations, or N.O.O.N.) that is ready to start exploring and settling in space. Unfortunately, an international terrorist group called Clean Space is against space pollution and they don’t want humans littering in zero gravity like they did on Earth. When Space Clean takes an astronaut hostage, it’s up to Ilona the Panther and her team of sexy commandos to bring her back and take out the space trash. Also, absolutely nothing happens in space, it all happens on Earth.
2. (The Good)
Frank Bramble, the man who puts the women on the space case is the lone bright spot here. Oh, and the opening theme song called ‘Tough and Tender’, which rips over a montage of women shooting pistols at paper targets. Unfortunately, those are the only bullet holes we see.
3. (The Bad)
Everything else. Now look, I didn’t go into Panther Squad thinking that I was going to see a masterpiece, but as an 80’s action film, it fails on every level. This is not a B movie - this is a Z movie. It’s not even so bad that it’s good, it’s just sort of…lame. It lacks the qualities that 80’s action B movies thrived on - violence and nudity. It’s just about PG in its level of violence and the closest you get to seeing anyone naked is in the outfit Sybil Danning wears on the VHS box cover (which she never wears in the film). Action scenes that are slow as molasses. The editing is beyond atrocious, with weird discolored zooms when most hand-to-hand combat happens, most likely to cover up the boom mic entering the frame here and there. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more poorly edited film, and I’ve seen a lot of shit. Oh, and the special effects? Watch as, in the climax of the film, Ilona pulls out a special ray gun from nowhere that slowly emits a thick blue erection until it just makes everything it nudges disappear. Truly one for the ages.
4. (The Ugly)
Here’s a compilation of the “action” from this film. Watch that and tell me it’s not the ugliest thing you’ve ever seen.
5. (The End)
What else can I say? If you’re looking for something entertaining, skip this crap. It’s not worth a look. It can’t even get being terrible right.
Possessor Uncut (2020).
1. (The Stage)
Tasya Vas works for a secret organization that uses brain implant technology to inhabit other people’s bodies to carry out high profile assassinations. Unfortunately, the technology lacks stability, as does Tasya…leading to a mental wrestling match between host and parasite.
2. (The Good)
What a wonderful idea for a film. I’d really love to see this expanded - the possibilities are endless. The world building is very subtle but really cool, Brandon Cronenberg has really learned a lot from his father who is also a master at this. The performances were all really great, especially Christopher Abbott, who essentially plays two characters in one body as Colin. We can’t talk about a Cronenberg movie (either of them) without mentioning the special effects, particularly those dealing with body horror. Holy hell - this film’s got some visuals that will stick with you. They look fucking fantastic. In this film, the shocks are few and far between, but when they hit, they hit. This has my favorite “person wearing another person’s face” scene since Dwight Schrute mangled the CPR dummy at Dunder Mifflin. It’s got some really interesting sexuality to it as well, which was welcome.
3. (The Bad)
The only real complaint I have about this film is that there’s so much here that I’d like to see more of. A lot of the ideas seem unexplored. Who is this company? Why do they do what they do? Tell me more about the other assassins. There’s so much to delve into. The other thing that left me a bit sour (although I know this is intentional) is that there’s really no one to root for until halfway through the film. Oh, and there wasn’t enough Sean Bean.
4. (The Ugly)
The fire poker scene. The teeth. THE FUCKING TEETH.
5. (The End)
This is a very interesting film that will stay with you for a long time. It’s different, it’s original, and it will leave you wanting more. The visuals are haunting. The performances are really great all around. If you’re squeamish, you might want to steer clear, but if you’re looking at a movie with the name ‘Cronenberg’ on it, you should know what you’re in for by now. If you like dystopian science fiction flicks, this is an easy recommendation.
Dial Code Santa Claus (1989).
1. (The Plot)
Dial Code Santa Claus (aka 36.15 Code Pere Noel, aka Deadly Games) is a French film about a 10 year old boy named Thomas who wants to stay up to confirm that Santa Claus is real. Unfortunately, a mentally unstable man dressed up as Santa Claus comes down the chimney instead. A cat and mouse game ensues in a ridiculously elaborate mansion as the man tries to grab the boy, the boy tries to get away, and grandpa tries to see two inches in front of him.
I had heard that his was an ‘inspiration’ for the Home Alone series but there are really not many similarities aside from the kid running from an intruder on Christmas Eve.
2. (The Good)
I thought that the villain (who admittedly makes some really stupid choices) was pretty scary. He has this blank, “there’s not much going on behind those eyes” kind of look to him which is very effective. There’s also this fun kid-like whimsey to the environment, as if you’re watching the whole thing through a snow globe. The house, which is clearly a miniature that is filmed using effective camerawork, helps add to this sense of childhood wonder. It’s also a very original premise, coming out before Home Alone and the many like it later on.
The Vinegar Syndrome disc looks really nice, although some of the scenes has a very “soft” looking picture. It’s in 4K though, and I love seeing 4K remasters of old movies. The disc is packed with extras, including a feature-length interview with the director.
3. (The Bad)
The house and the main character are non-sensical. Apparently Thomas has had free-reign to make batshit structural modifications to parts of his house, including elaborate trap doors and command centers under the floor. Oh, and there’s a room in the house that no one even knows about aside from Thomas (but the killer finds it within thirty minutes of being in the house). The main character is supposed to be a genius, but I never bought it. The film takes a very long time to get into the main plot. It’s over 30 minutes before we really see anything happen.
The filmmaker also commits a crucial film sin - he thinks his audience is stupid. For example, there’s a moment in the beginning of the film in which a dog runs through a hallway and Thomas presses a button on his wrist mounted “Pipboy”. The button activates a trap door that releases in the middle of the hallway, dropping his dog safely onto a rope net below. As an audience member, you know that’s going to come back at some point…and it does. But as the villain is running through the hallway, we need to see Thomas have a flashback to seeing the dog fall into the net. We are not stupid. We know what’s coming. You don’t need to show us.
4. (The Ugly)
A serving spoon? Ouch. That pup deserved better. Then again, the dog’s owner was constantly ensnaring him in traps and throwing plastic stars at him, so I guess it’s tough to know if he was happy anyway. Oh, and the mullet…the mullet. Jeez.
5. (Final Thoughts)
I guess overall, I’m a bit disappointed. For all of the hype this film garnered as a “rated-R Die Hard/Home Alone” mash-up, I was expecting more. I thought the villain was effective and I think the set-up has a lot of potential, but like many low-budget 80’s films, I couldn’t help but think that this would benefit from a remake. I didn’t regret my time watching the film but I probably wouldn’t watch it again. Oh, and if you’re a filmmaker, treat your audience with respect.
The Tax Collector (2020).
The Tax Collector is the newest film from David Ayer, starring Bobby Soto as David, Cinthya Carmona as his wife Alexis, and Shia Labeouf as his partner Creeper. Most of the film follows David and Creeper as they collect ‘taxes’ for the biggest gangster in south central Los Angeles until a new crew starts muscling in on their territory.
I’ve defended David Ayer films in the past - I think that Training Day (which he wrote), End of Watch, and Fury are all brilliant. I also think there are good movies hiding in Sabotage and Suicide Squad, which I believe were both casualties of studio meddling (p.s., I’m still looking for Skip Wood’s original script for Sabotage, back when it was called Ten or Breacher). That being said, I don’t see any studio meddling here - I just see a weak script that turns into an uninteresting movie with some baffling decisions.
“If your tab's short, go rob a bank! Rob your own mother! There's no excuses!”
- David
From this point on, I’m spoiling things. You’ve been warned, even though I don’t recommend watching the film.
Shia Labeouf is the best thing about this film as Creeper. He’s got some interesting nuances to his character and generally looks really great. In fact, the best parts of this film are when he and David are just driving around, shooting the shit. Creeper actually feels like a real person, one with interests and priorities unrelated to his work, unlike the other stock cut and paste characters here. The problem is, Creeper is built up for an hour as being this badass with no conscience. One who can snap and kill a whole family if the task calls for it. One who sparks fear into the hearts of men. We know this because we’re…told this. Unfortunately, we never see it. When the shit hits the fan, Creeper is captured and killed, and once he leaves, my interest in the movie left with him.
“I'll ride with you till the wheels fall off!”
- Creeper
I’m unfamiliar with Bobby Soto’s work, and I’m sure he’s a fine actor, but in this film he’s charisma free. I think the film could have been a lot better with some more personality in this role - an Oscar Isaac or even a Michael Pena could have elevated the material (which in Soto’s defense, is weak to begin with). Family this, family that, it’s like David belongs in a Fast & Furious movie. We get it, he likes his wife and kids. We also get that he’s a ‘good guy’ (he’s not), because the leader of the neighborhood Bloods gang keeps telling us and his men every fucking five minutes he’s on screen.
Speaking of the Bloods leader, that whole subplot makes absolutely no sense. He and David have a respect for one another, but at one point, once David’s kids are kidnapped, the Bloods leader (along with a few of his men) decide to go on a suicide mission to get them back…for no real reason other than ‘he’s a good guy’. I’d have believed it if he paid them to help him using the money that was inexplicably buried in the backyard - that would have made more sense. The way they get his kids back is unbelievably quick and stupid as well. There’s some martial arts stuff we see that never comes back into play (even when it probably should have) There’s a corny scene featuring a really bad dude tickity-tapping his keyboard on a stock website like he’s some kind of financial mastermind. Oh, and there’s a truckload of forced “hey, look at these religious parallels” slapping you in the face at every turn.
“Uh…what?”
- Me
It’s really disappointing because I really liked the first half of this movie, and then it turns into complete shit. Everything in the second half feels rushed and overly convenient, nothing feels earned. Give me a Creeper prequel where we see him rob the armored car, where we see him being a badass, where we see the actual chest tattoo that Labeouf got for this film. You want to see some badass cartel stuff? Go watch Sicario instead.
L.A. Wars (1994)
L.A. Wars instantly drops us into an alternate version of 90’s Los Angeles, one in which a “mafia” that consists of around 5 incompetent Italians run the city’s drug trade (and loose fitting suit economy) with an iron fist. The leader of this gang, Mr. Giovani, has a naive daughter named Carla who becomes a target when a South American cartel that’s double the size of Mr. Giovani’s (they can’t all fit in one car, they need a van) tries to muscle in on their territory.
Fortunately for Mr. Giovani, a bouncer named Jake Quinn comes to the rescue and earns a job working as Carla’s bodyguard. Unfortunately, Quinn is also working with the L.A.P.D., in an effort to both clear his name and get his badge back so that he can return to the only job he’s ever loved. Bouncing drunks at a bar called Boardners pays the bills but doesn’t fill the soul.
You’ve heard of cops who shoot first and ask questions later…but Quinn is a man who shoots first and just never asks questions. He plays by “Quinn’s Rules”, which basically means murdering anyone who fucks around in his vicinity. Unfortunately, Quinn’s Rules don’t include simple conflicts of interest, like professing your undying love for the person you’re supposed to be protecting the day after you meet her. After that, things get complicated.
This is 90’s cheese all the way. Ill-fitting, wacky fashion, Mac-10s, tons of bad guys who just happen to know karate, and pump shotguns that turn cars into balls of flames with one shot from twenty feet away. Unfortunately, if you’ve seen Steven Seagal or Lorenzo Lamas films before, there’s nothing really memorable here. Low grade chest squibs, slow moving action beats, a few fake breasts, and typical bad acting that’s regrettably not so bad that it’s outright hilarious. It’s cut from the same cloth as those other 90’s Andy Sidaris action flicks - entertaining enough to keep you in a chair for an hour and change, but that’s about it.
“Make Pleasantville Great Again.”
In 1998, Gary Ross struck gold with his dramatic-comedy film Pleasantville. Backed by immaculate direction, a stacked cast, delightful music, and groundbreaking special effects, this heart-filled tale centers around two late 90’s teens, played by Toby Maguire and Reese Witherspoon, who are teleported into the TV and become trapped in a 1950’s ‘Leave it to Beaver’ style sitcom called Pleasantville. From the outside looking in, Pleasantville appears to be a utopia - a place that never rains, where hairstyles are always perfect, three-point shots are never missed, a fire department exists solely to rescue cats from trees, and the people are always happy.
The two teens try to fit in, trading in their JNCO jeans, scrunchies and overalls for poodle skirts and letter sweaters, but inevitably start bringing some outside influence to this idealistic midwestern town. Because of this outside influence, the people in Pleasantville start doing truly reprehensible things, like playing loud tock music, painting, and having sex (GASP)! The disruptions start turning things in the black and white town into full color - first flowers and trees, then cars, and then…entire people. The moral of the story is a strong one, one that Warren Epstein of The Gazette wrote, “…represents the transformation from repression to enlightenment. People - and their surroundings - change from black-and-white to color when they connect with the essence of who they really are.” Here we have a movie that presents the opinion that there’s no right or perfect life, no model of how life is supposed to be.
In 1998, you probably left the theater thinking, “I wonder how they did all of those special effects”, or “How the fuck is David going to explain to his mom that his sister is trapped in a TV program and decided to leave us and go to college in a fake TV universe instead of coming back to the actual real world, and how will they explain this to their relatives, the school, and ultimately, the authorities?”…but in 2020, you might walk away thinking that Pleasantville is more relevant today than it ever was upon release.
If you swap out the 1952 Buick Roadmaster Convertibles for lifted Chevy Silverado 6x6’s and plaster American flags and…”MAPA” stickers on everything, Pleasantville seems like the sort of place that Donald Trump and his supporters might envision as a utopian version of the United States. A white country, in which the men work and the women cook, where there are zero outside influences, a place that has no roads in, a country in which everyone looks (white) and acts the same, believing everything they hear from the one station that they watch, completely shut off from the outside world.
Take the character not so subtly named Whitey, for example. On the surface, Whitey has been a good guy throughout the existence of Pleasantville. He does well in school. He plays for the basketball team. He politely courts another female student named Margaret…until she turns ‘colored’. At this point, his chosen ‘crowd’ starts showing their true feelings, and Whitey has no problem revealing that he’s simply a racist asshole who hurls insults at others and even attempts to gang-rape a middle-aged woman with the help of his Wonder Bread friends.
Another interesting example are the actions of Big Bob, the mayor. He tries everything he can to suppress the outside influences, but realizing that he simply can’t, finally decides to hold a press conference…er…town meeting…about the situation. He suggests segregating those things that are pleasant from those that are unpleasant - including people - leading to signs in windows like ‘No Coloreds’. When riots start, Big Bob says that this isn’t the way to do it…all public acts of vandalism are to stop immediately, all but yelling, “LAW AND ORDER!”. Sound familiar? Don’t even get me started with the courtroom scene, which not only banishes the colored folks to the balcony, but also brilliantly illustrates how colored people in Pleasantville don’t have a shot at a fair trial.
The lessons not so subtly hidden inside of Pleasantville aren’t new, but they are important. In 2020, the movie is no longer seen as a morality tale concerning the values of contemporary suburban America by holding that social landscape up against both the utopian and dystopian visions of suburbia that emerged in the 1950s, but rather a story about how there’s only one race - the human race - and that the amount of color in our skin shouldn’t be important because whether you’re white or ‘colored’, that pigment resides inside of all of us. It’s a story about how a world with a lot of color can be a wonderful thing, and that we should stand up to those who say otherwise, a story showing that together, we can make the world we live in a better place. This is a movie that argues that the only way to truly make Pleasantville great again, is by loving the diversity and treating those around us with love and respect…a message that we could all use in the world we live in today.
Jay & Silent Bob Reboot (2019).
I was working at a video store inside of a grocery store in the late 90’s and my friend from work said something about a movie called Clerks - she was shocked that I hadn’t heard of it. She told me to come by that night - we popped some corn, tossed in her worn VHS tape, and dug in. I was amazed. I loved it. From the dialogue to the homespun filmmaking (and the story behind it), I knew Kevin Smith was something special. I watched Chasing Amy next, which became my favorite Kevin Smith movie, and finally Mallrats, which I knew was very low-brow humor, but I just loved the characters.
“Or Bruce Wayne’s mom, whose name escapes me.”
- Holden McNeil
I remember being really hyped to see Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back in the theater, but realizing while I was watching the movie that once the novelty of seeing my favorite characters wore off, the movie just wasn’t funny…but every filmmaker has a dud. 20 years later, I can’t help but feel like every movie since then has been a dud. Unfortunately, Jay and Silent Bob Reboot might just be the worst of the bunch.
I’m sure the plot is supposed to be poking fun at reboots and remakes by having Jay and Silent Bob stop a remake of the film they attempted to stop 20 years before. I paused the movie 24 minutes in because I had yet to crack a smirk and considered just giving up. The thing is, people who grew up with Kevin Smith’s films (like me) have…grown up. We’ve had kids. What we find funny now is much different than when we were younger. The ol’ “dick and fart formula” isn’t working anymore. It feels like Kevin Smith just has not grown much as a filmmaker, which is extremely frustrating to an early fan like myself because there’s at least one moment in this movie that shows true heart and brilliance, but it’s just stuck between slabs of stupidity, awful writing, and weird editing.
“…these guys aren’t meth-heads. They just look like meth-heads because they’re from New Jersey.”
- Justice “Boo Boo Kitty Fuck” Falcon
The entire thing hinges on you seeing the previous movies. It’s basically all fan service. Just about anyone who’s been in the ‘View Askewniverse’ films makes an appearance here (along with a few other surprises). Highlights include Ben Affleck reprising his role as Holden McNeil from Chasing Amy. He gives a great little speech about what it means to be a parent and how things change, a diatribe that nearly brought a tear to my eye. That’s why it’s so fucking infuriating - if the entire film was written at this level, it could have been great! Chris Hemsworth stole the show as a hologram version of himself, but unfortunately he was only on screen for a few minutes. It was also nice seeing Jason Lee reprise his role as Brodie Bruce, even if the segment didn’t entirely work for me aside from his rant on reboots. If, however, you’re unfamiliar with other Kevin Smith movies, this movie will do absolutely nothing for you.
I understand the story behind the film. Kevin Smith had a heart attack and wanted to make some comfort food with his family and friends, but it’s time to move on from these characters. I really think that Kevin Smith has a classic in him - he has yet to write his Breakfast Club. He’s a talented writer and a decent director, I think he just needs to let go of the Jay & Silent Bob characters to stretch his creative wings. I really liked Red State and although I wasn’t a fan of Tusk, I thought it was really great that he went out of his norm. I’d even love to see him tackle a super hero film at some point.
It’s time to retire Jay & Silent Bob.
What's Streaming: October 2020
Here’s everything that’s streaming in October, 2020 on all 5 big streaming services, as collected from the web.
Hulu:
Oct. 1
90 Day Fiancé: Before the 90 Days: Complete Season 4
90 Day Fiancé: Complete Season 7
All-Star Halloween Spectacular: Special
Bizarre Foods With Andrew Zimmern: Complete Seasons 9 & 10
Bride Killa: Complete Season 1
Cutthroat Kitchen: Complete Season 13
Dr. Pimple Popper: Complete Season 4
Going for Sold: Complete Season 1
Guy's Grocery Games: Complete Seasons 18 – 20
Halloween Baking Championship: Complete Seasons 1 – 4
Halloween Wars: Complete Seasons 3 – 8
Hell's Kitchen: Complete Season 18
Homicide City: Charlotte: Complete Season 1
Homicide Hunter: Lt. Joe Kenda: Complete Season 9
Man with a Van: Complete Season 1
Moonshiners: Master Distiller: Complete Season 1
Murder Comes Home: Complete Season 1
My 600-lb Life: Complete Season 8
My Feet Are Killing Me: Complete Season 1
Property Virgins: Complete Season 18
Supermarket Stakeout: Complete Season 1
Sweet 15: Quinceañera: Complete Season 1
The Flay List: Complete Season 1
Twisted Love: Complete Season 1
31
A Beautiful Mind
Across The Line
After Life
Anti-Trust
Blade
Blade 2
Blade: Trinity Blood Ties
Blue City
The Curse Of Downers Grove
Deep Blue Sea
The Do-Deca-Pentathlon
Double, Double, Toil and Trouble
Drugstore Cowboy
The Executioners
The Express
The Eye
Fallen
Girls Against Boys
Good Hair
Guess Who
Hostel
Hostel: Part II
House Of 1000 Corpses
The Hurt Locker
Ice Age: The Meltdown
Interview With the Vampire
Joe
Judy & Punch
Kicking & Screaming
Killers
Lady in a Cage
Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome
Martyrs
Mud
Nurse 3D
The Pirates! Band Of Misfits
The Portrait of a Lady
The Quiet Ones
Raging Bull
The Sandman
Senorita Justice
Sk8 Dawg
The Skull
Snakes On A Plane
Spaceball
Species
Superbad
Thanks for Sharing
Tooth Fairy
Triumph of the Spirit
Vampire
Wayne's World 2
When A Stranger Calls
William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet
Zombie Killers: Elephant's Graveyard
Oct. 2
Monsterland: Complete Season 1 Connecting: Series Premiere
Oct. 3
Ma Ma
Oct. 4
Saturday Night Live: Season 46 Premiere
Oct. 5
Dragon Ball Super: New Episodes 1 – 131 (DUBBED)
Oct. 7
Books of Blood: Film Premiere (Hulu Original)
Ellen's Game of Games: Season 4 Premiere
Next: Series Premiere
Oct. 8
Scream 4
Oct. 9
Terminator: Dark Fate
Oct. 11
Infamous
Savage Youth
Scotch: A Golden Dream
Oct. 12
The Swing Of Things
Oct. 14
The Bachelorette: Season 16 Premiere
Oct. 15
The Purge: Complete Season 2
Treadstone: Complete Season 1
Bad Roomies
High Strung
It Came from the Desert
Life After Basketball
Playing with Fire
The Escort
Oct. 16
Helstrom: Complete Season 1
The Painted Bird
Oct. 17
Shark Tank: Season 12 Premiere
Momma Named Me Sheriff: Complete Season 1
Mr. Pickles: Finale Episode
Oct. 18
Friend Request
Oct. 19
America's Funniest Home Videos: Season 31 Premiere
Card Sharks: Series Premiere
Supermarket Sweep: Series Premiere
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire: Season 2 Premiere
Oct. 20
The Voice: Season 19 Premiere
F*ck That's Delicious: Complete Season 4
Oct. 21
Cyrano, My Love
Oct. 22
Black-ish: Season 7 Premiere
The Conners: Season 3 Premiere
The Goldbergs: Season 8 Premiere
Oct. 23
Bad Hair: Film Premiere
Superstore: Season 6 Premiere
Oct. 26
Homeland: Complete Season 8
What to Expect When You're Expecting
Oct. 29
American Housewife: Season 5 Premiere
Bad Therapy
Disney Plus:
October 1
Maleficent
October 2
Beverly Hills Chihuahua
Cheaper by the Dozen 2
Mr. Holland's Opus
Secrets of the Zoo: Down Under (s1)
The Simpsons (s31)
Zenimation Extended Edition Premiere
Magic of Disney's Animal Kingdom Episode 102
One Day at Disney Episode 144
Weird But True Episode 308
October 9
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
Oil Spill of the Century
Wild Portugal
X2
The Right Stuff Premiere Episode 101 & Episode 102
Magic of Disney's Animal Kingdom Episode 103
Weird But True Episode 309
One Day at Disney Episode 145
October 16
Disney Junior the Rocketeer (s1)
Drain (s3)
Lost on Everest
Marvel's Iron Man & Captain America: Heroes United
Clouds
The Right Stuff Episode 103
One Day At Disney Episode 146
Magic of Disney's Animal Kingdom Episode 104
Meet the Chimps Premiere
Weird But True Episode 310
October 23
Gathering Storm (s1)
India from Above (s1)
Marvel Super Hero Adventures (Shorts) (s4)
Pompeii: Secrets of the Dead
Ultimate Viking Sword
Magic of Disney's Animal Kingdom Episode 105
Once Upon a Snowman Premiere
The Big Fib New Episodes 116
The Right Stuff Episode 104
Weird But True Episode 311
One Day At Disney Episode 147
October 30
Disney the Owl House (s1)
The Sorcerer's Apprentice
X-Ray Earth (s1)
The Mandalorian Season Premiere "Chapter 9"
Magic of Disney's Animal Kingdom Episode 106 - The Right Stuff Episode 105
Weird But True Episode 312
One Day At Disney Episode 148
Netflix:
Oct. 1
Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls
All Because of You (Netflix Original)
Along Came a Spider
A.M.I.
Bakugan: Armored Alliance: Season 2
Basic Instinct
Black '47
Cape Fear
Carlos Almaraz: Playing with Fire
Carmen Sandiego Season 3 (Netflix Family)
Code Lyoko Seasons 1-4
The Dukes of Hazzard (2005)
Employee of the Month
Enemy at the Gates
Evil Season 1
Familiar Wife Season 1
Fargo
Food Wars!: Shokugeki no Soma: The Second Plate
Free State of Jones
Ghost Rider
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Good Morning, Verônica (Netflix Original)
Gran Torino
Her
House of 1,000 Corpses
Human Nature
Hunt for the Wilderpeople
I'm Leaving Now
The Longest Yard (1974)
Oktoberfest: Beer & Blood (Netflix Original)
The Outpost
The Parkers Seasons 1-5
The Pirates! Band of Misfits
Poseidon (2006)
The Prince & Me
Stranger than Fiction
Superman Returns
Sword Art Online: Alicization
Troy
The Unicorn: Season 1
The Worst Witch Season 4 (Netflix Family)
WarGames
We Have Always Lived in the Castle
Yogi Bear
You Cannot Hide Season 1
Oct. 2
A Go! Go! Cory Carson Halloween (Netflix Family)
The Binding (Netflix Film)
Dick Johnson Is Dead (Netflix Documentary)
Emily in Paris (Netflix Original) [Trailer]
Òlòtūré (Netflix Film)
Serious Men (Netflix Film)
Song Exploder (Netflix Original)
Vampires vs. the Bronx (Netflix Film)
You've Got This (Netflix Film)
Oct. 4
Colombiana
David Attenborough: A Life on Our Planet (Netflix Documentary)
Oct. 6
Dolly Parton: Here I Am
Saturday Church
StarBeam: Halloween Hero (Netflix Family)
Walk Away from Love
Oct. 7
Hubie Halloween (Netflix Film)
Schitt's Creek Season 6
To the Lake (Netflix Original)
Oct. 9
Deaf U (Netflix Original)
Fast & Furious Spy Racers: Season 2: Rio (Netflix Family)
Ginny Weds Sunny (Netflix Film)
The Haunting of Bly Manor (Netflix Original)
The Forty-Year-Old Version (Netflix Original)
Super Monsters: Dia de los Monsters (Netflix Family)
Oct. 12
Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts Season 3 (Netflix Family)
Oct. 13
The Cabin with Bert Kreischer (Netflix Comedy Special)
Octonauts & the Great Barrier Reef (Netflix Family)
Oct. 14
Alice Junior
BLACKPINK: Light Up the Sky (Netflix Documentary)
Moneyball
Oct. 15
A Babysitter's Guide to Monster Hunting (Netflix Film)
Batman: The Killing Joke
Half & Half Seasons 1-4
Love Like the Falling Rain (Netflix Film)
One on One Seasons 1-5
Power Rangers Beast Morphers Season 2, Part 1
Rooting for Roona (Netflix Documentary)
Social Distance (Netflix Original)
Oct. 16
Alguien tiene que morir / Someone Has to Die (Netflix Original)
Dream Home Makeover (Netflix Original)
Grand Army (Netflix Original)
In a Valley of Violence
La Révolution (Netflix Original) [Trailer]
The Last Kids on Earth Book 3 (Netflix Family)
The Trial of the Chicago 7 (Netflix Film)
Unfriended
Oct. 18
ParaNorman
Oct. 19
Unsolved Mysteries Volume 2 (Netflix Documentary)
Oct. 20
Carol
The Magic School Bus Rides Again The Frizz Connection (Netflix Family)
Oct. 21
My Next Guest Needs No Introduction With David Letterman Season 3 (Netflix Original)
Rebecca (Netflix Film)
Oct. 22
Bending the Arc
Cadaver (Netflix Film)
The Hummingbird Project
Yes, God, Yes
Oct. 23
Barbarians (Netflix Original)
Move (Netflix Original)
Over the Moon (Netflix Film)
Perdida (Netflix Original)
The Queen's Gambit (Netflix Original)
Oct. 27
Blood of Zeus (Netflix Anime)
Chico Bon Bon: Monkey with a Tool Belt Season 4 (Netflix Family)
Guillermo Vilas: Settling the Score (Netflix Documentary)
Oct. 28
Holidate (Netflix Film)
Metallica Through The Never
Nobody Sleeps in the Woods Tonight (Netflix Film)
Secrets of the Saqqara Tomb (Netflix Documentary)
Oct. 30
Bronx (Netflix Film)
The Day of the Lord (Netflix Film)
His House (Netflix Film)
Somebody Feed Phil Season 4 (Netflix Original)
Suburra Season 3 (Netflix Original)
Oct. 31
The 12th Man
HBO Max:
Streaming in October, date TBA
Chelsea Handler: Evolution — HBO Max Original Special premiere
Gomorrah, Seasons 1 & 2 (Dubbed & Subtitled)
The Monster at the End of This Story — HBO Max Original premiere
October 1
A World of Calm — Documentary series premiere
Akeelah and the Bee, 2006 (HBO)
All-Star Superman, 2011
American Dynasties: The Kennedys, 2018
American Reunion, 2012 (HBO)
Analyze This, 1999
Analyze That, 2002
The Angriest Man In Brooklyn, 2014 (HBO)
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, 1997
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, 1999
Ball of Fire, 1941
Beavis and Butt-Head Do America, 1996 (HBO)
Beef (HBO)
Beginners, 2011 (HBO)
Best in Show, 2000
Blow, 2001
Bombshell, 1933
Boogie Nights, 1997
Boomerang, 1992
The Bush Years: Family. Duty. Power., 2019
The Butterfly Effect, 2004
Cats & Dogs, 2001
Catwoman, 2004
Cellular, 2004
Cheech & Chong’s Up In Smoke, 1978
The Chronicles of Riddick, 2004 (Director’s Cut) (HBO)
City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold, 1994
Clean and Sober, 1988
The Client, 1994
Collateral Beauty, 2016 (HBO)
The Color Purple, 1985
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, 2003 (HBO)
Constantine, 2005
Cradle 2 the Grave, 2003
Critters 2, 1988
Critters 4, 1992
The Curse of Frankenstein, 1957
Day of the Dead, 1985 (HBO)
Death Sentence, 2007 (Extended Version) (HBO)
Deerskin, 2020 (HBO)
Dirty Dancing, 1987 (HBO)
Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, 2004 (HBO)
Deliverance, 1972
Dracula Has Risen from the Grave, 1969
Dreamcatcher, 2003
Edge of Darkness, 2010
Empire of the Sun, 1987
The End: Inside The Last Days of the Obama White House, 2017
Endings, Beginnings, 2020 (HBO)
Enter the Dragon, 1973
Eraser, 1996
Firewall, 2006
Frantic, 1988
Frequency, 2000 (HBO)
Friday, 1995
The Friday After Next, 2002
Galaxy Quest, 1999
The Golden Compass, 2007
Gothika, 2003
Grudge Match, 2013 (HBO)
Hairspray (Original), 1988
Hairspray (Musical), 2007
Harina (Flour) (HBO)
The Haunting, 1999
The Hills Have Eyes, 2006 (Extended Version) (HBO)
The Hills Have Eyes II, 2007 (Extended Version) (HBO)
Horror of Dracula, 1958
The Hunting Ground, 2015
I Am Sam, 2002
Infamous, 2006
The Informer, 1935
The Invisible War, 2012
Jonah Hex, 2010
The Last Kiss, 2006 (HBO)
The Last Mimzy, 2007
Laws of Attraction, 2004
Lethal Weapon, 1987
Lethal Weapon 2, 1989
Lethal Weapon 3, 1992
Lethal Weapon 4, 1998
Libeled Lady, 1936
Life as We Know It, 2010
Little Baby Bum, 2011
Little Big League, 1994
Madea’s Big Happy Family, 2011
Malcolm X, 1992
Man of Steel, 2013
Marie: A True Story, 1985
The Matrix Reloaded, 2003
The Matrix Revolutions, 2003
The Matrix, 1999
Million Dollar Baby, 2004
Miracle of Morgan’s Creek, 1944
Mister Roberts, 1955
Monsters Vs. Aliens, 2009
The Mummy, 1959
Mutiny on the Bounty, 1935
Next Friday, 2000
Never, Rarely, Sometimes, Always, 2020 (HBO)
Nothing Sacred, 1937
Open Water, 2004 (HBO)
Open Water 2: Adrift, 2007 (HBO)
Pac-Man and the Ghostly Adventures, 2013
The Pelican Brief, 1993
A Perfect Murder, 1998
The Perfect Storm, 2000
The Phantom of the Opera, 2004
Presumed Innocent, 1990
Race for the White House, Season 1
Raised By Wolves, Season 1 finale
Revolutionary Road, 2008 (HBO)
Roger & Me, 1989
Sands of Iwo Jima, 1950
Scanners, 1981 (HBO)
Scooby-Doo! Haunted Holidays, 2012
Se7en, 1995
Semi-Pro, 2008
Sesame Street Presents Follow That Bird, 1985
Shame, 2011 (HBO)
Sherlock Holmes, 2009
Sleight, 2017 (HBO)
Son of Batman, 2014
South Park: The Pandemic Special
Steel, 1997
Superman vs. the Elite, 2012
Superman/Batman: Apocalypse, 2010
Superman/Batman: Public Enemies, 2009
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, 1990
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, 1991
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3, 1993
They Were Expendable, 1945
A Thin Line Between Love and Hate, 1996
The Thin Man, 1934
The Thing, 2011 (HBO)
A Time to Kill, 1996
Tin Cup, 1996
TMNT, 2007
Training Day, 2001
Tricky Dick, 2019
Turistas, 2006 (Extended Version) (HBO)
U.S. Marshals, 1998
Us, 2019 (HBO)
Vampire in Brooklyn, 1995
A Very Brady Sequel, 1996
We Will Rise: Michelle Obama’s Mission to Educate Girls Around the World, 2016
What You Gonna Do When the World’s on Fire?, 2018
When Harry Met Sally, 1989
Where the Wild Things Are, 2009
The Whole Ten Yards, 2004 (HBO)
The Wings of Eagles, 1957
You’ve Got Mail, 1998
October 2
Lina From Lima (HBO)
October 3
The ABCs of Back to School: A CNN/Sesame Street Town Hall for Families, 2020
Downhill, 2020 (HBO)
October 6
Siempre, Luis — Documentary premiere (HBO)
October 7
Wild Card: The Downfall Of A Radio Loudmouth (HBO)
October 8
Charm City Kings — HBO Max Original Film
The Fungies — Season 1B
The God of High School (Dubbed)
October 9
Entre Nos Presents: Shayla Rivera: It’S Not Rocket Science (HBO)
Room 104 — Series finale (HBO)
October 10
Cats, 2019 (HBO)
October 12
Ghosts, Season 2
October 15
Detention Adventure, Season 2
A West Wing Special to Benefit When We All Vote — HBO Max Original Premiere
October 16
La Odisea De Los Giles (Heroic Losers) (HBO)
The Perfect Weapon — Documentary special premiere (HBO)
October 17
David Byrne’s American Utopia — Special event premiere (HBO)
October 18
Lovecraft Country — Season finale (HBO)
The Vow — Docuseries finale (HBO)
October 20
Smurfs — Season 3
October 21
537 Votes — Documentary premiere (HBO)
October 22
Equal — HBO Max Original Documentary Series premiere
October 23
How To With John Wilson, Season 1 — HBO Original
October 24
Emma, 2020 (HBO)
October 25
The Undoing — Series premiere (HBO)
October 27
Ghosts, Season 2
It: Chapter Two, 2019 (HBO)
John Lewis: Good Trouble, 2020
The Soul of America — Documentary premiere (HBO)
October 28
Burning Ojai: Our Fire Story (HBO)
October 29
Vida Perfecta, Season 1
October 30
Mano De Obra (Workforce) (HBO)
October 31
Black Christmas, 2019 (HBO)
Amazon Prime:
Oct.1
30 Days Of Night (2007)
A Knight’s Tale (2001)
Battlefield Earth (2000)
Blood Ties (2014)
Drugstore Cowboy (1989)
Eight Millimeter (1999)
Funny Girl (1968)
Girl, Interrupted (1999)
Guess Who (2005)
Joe (2014)
John Carpenter’s Vampires (1998)
Killers (2010)
Kindred Spirits (2020)
La Sucursal (2019)
Madea’s Big Happy Family (2011)
Mud (2013)
National Security (2003)
Next Level (2019)
Noose For A Gunman (1960)
Nurse (2014)
Quantum Of Solace (2008)
Raging Bull (1980)
Señorita Justice (2004)
Southside With You (2016)
Spaceballs (1987)
Species (1995)
Thanks For Sharing (2013)
The Big Hit (1998)
The Da Vinci Code (2006)
The Departed (2006)
The Gambler Wore A Gun (1961)
The Grudge 3 (2009)
The Mask Of Zorro (1998)
The Mothman Prophecies (2002)
The Pianist (2003)
The Wedding Planner (2001)
Triumph Of The Spirit (1989)
1992: Berlusconi Rising: Season 1 (Topic)
40 & Single: Season 1 (Urban Movie Channel)
America’s Great Divide: From Obama to Trump: Season 1 (PBS Documentaries)
Cisco Kid: Season (Best Westerns Ever)
Cities of the Underworld: Season 1 (HISTORY Vault)
Cold Case Files Classic: Season 1 (A&E Crime Central)
Get Shorty: Seasons 1-3
Horror Noire: A History of Black Horror (Shudder)
Liar: Season 1 (Sundance Now)
Mrs. Wilson: Season 1 (PBS Masterpiece)
Mystery Road: Season 1 (Acorn TV)
PNS Kids: Spooky Stories!: Season 1 (PBS Kids)
Tales of Tomorrow: Season 1 (Best TV Ever)
The Great British Baking Show: Season 1 (PBS Living)
The Loudest Voice: Season 1 (Showtime)
Thou Shalt Not Kill: Season 1 (PBS Masterpiece)
Oct. 2
Bug Diaries Halloween Special — Amazon Original Special
Savage X Fenty Show. Vol. 2 — Amazon Original Special
Oct. 6
Black Box — Amazon Original Movie (2020)
The Lie — Amazon Original Movie (2020)
The Transporter Refueled (2015)
Mr. Robot: Season 4
Oct. 8
Archive (2020)
Oct. 9
Terminator: Dark Fate (2019)
Chasing the Crown: Dreamers to Streamers — Amazon Original Series
Oct. 10
Jack And Jill (2011)
Oct. 13
Evil Eye — Amazon Original Movie (2020)
Nocturne — Amazon Original Movie (2020)
Oct. 14
A Most Beautiful Thing (2020)
Oct. 15
Halal Love Story (2020)
Playing With Fire (2019)
Oct. 16
Time — Amazon Original Movie (2020)
What the Constitution Means to Me — Amazon Original Special
Oct. 21
Cyrano, My Love (2019)
Oct. 23
Mirzapur — Amazon Original Series: Season 2
Oct. 26
What To Expect When You’re Expecting (2012)
Oct. 27
Battle Los Angeles (2011)
Oct. 29
Soorarai Pottru (2020)
Oct. 30
Truth Seekers — Amazon Original Series: Season 1
Oct. 31
I’ll See You In My Dreams (2015)
Spellcaster (1988).
Spellcaster has a great premise. An MTV-type of show cleverly named ‘Rock TV’ holds a contest in which seven people are selected from around the globe to participate in a scavenger hunt at the Diaboli Castle in Italy for a million dollar check. Unfortunately for the participants, Mr. Diaboli is a…spellcaster.
“Yeah, how ‘bout ten foot flames shootin’ out your asshole, man?”
- Tom
The seven participants are all basic caricatures - the drunk rock-star, the sex crazed rich kid, the fat guy who just likes eating, a Californian tease, a French sex-pot, a British hunter, and a couple of kids from Cleveland. As the seven search for the check, crazy things start happening throughout the castle.
This movie is really goofy. There are some cool visuals (a man who turns into a pig, some kind of troll), but I guess I was expecting…more. This is basically a PG-13 movie and I don’t say this often, but I really think that it would really benefit from an R-rated remake. The deaths are really quite tame with very little blood. There’s also no nudity, if that’s a staple for your horror film consumption.
“Fucking goofy!”
- Teri
For the most part, the actors are fun. Adam Ant plays Mr. Diaboli, but he’s on screen for less than five minutes. It’s a true ensemble cast - the leads (?) played by Harold Pruett and the stunning Gail O’Grady were pretty good. Bunty Bailey (the A-Ha Take on Me girl) stands out as another bright spot playing pop star Cassandra Castle.
I didn’t hate this but I definitely wouldn’t watch it again. The movie takes forever to get going (the contest really doesn’t even start until thirty minutes in), the effects are fine but nothing memorable, the castle has zero personality and it could have been a really great setting, and the characters aren’t good enough to make me come back.
The Blu-ray from Vinegar Syndrome looks nice (although the picture has quite a bit of grain). The interviews are pretty standard (of which there are two). It’s a well put together package and the slipcover is of the utmost quality as VS releases are known for.
The 2nd (2020).
I’ve said it before - I love a good ‘Die Hard in a _____’ film. The plot of The 2nd is basically ‘Die Hard in Cal Poly’ (complete with a ‘Christmas in LA’ timestamp), but ends up feeling like a conservative’s wet dream that just plopped out of the Walmart Redbox. It’s movie in which the pesky bad guys try everything they can to abolish the 2nd amendment (the right to keep and bear arms), only to be foiled by a tough, white, gun-toting patriot.
This plot is trash. A tortured Delta Force vet goes to pick up his estranged son from school for winter break. The cute daughter of a Supreme Court judge who has to make some type of landmark judgement on the 2nd amendment also goes to the school. Unfortunately for both of them, the director of the CIA wants the 2nd amendment to go away (“For better, more responsible times.”), so he has a couple of terrible assassins head to Cal Poly to snag the girl as leverage. Of course, they didn’t count on Vic Davies being there…
“It’s your shot.”
- Director Phillips
Ryan Phillippe (who you may know from I Know What You Did Last Summer and Cruel Intentions, a movie in which he tries to fuck his step-sister before Brazzers made it the cool thing to do) plays Vic Davies, a man who once let his partner burn to a crisp while they were protecting a Presidential hopeful (who literally says the words “…if it was up to me, I would arm every man, woman, and child in this country who was a patriot, and a true defender of our constitution…” and then hides behind others, cowering as his detail is chewed to bits), but now just wants to take his son to a cabin to do man things, like shooting and riding dirt bikes. Casper Van Dien plays the lead bad guy, who is great at killing untrained security guards and people without guns, but that’s about it. Oh, and he totes around a cane for absolutely no reason and leads a team of assassins(?) who are in the movie wearing whatever they had on when they left their real apartments that day. Then there’s Vic’s son Sean, and Erin (the daughter of the judge), but I’m just fucking bored writing this already.
This movie is basically propaganda that has no charm, no wit, no heart, no continuity, contrived, nonsensical action, and dialogue that feels like it was written by a third grader. Take this exchange between Vic and some guy that is about to get filled with bullet holes during an expositional car ride:
Vic - “(Sean) doesn’t call much. He’s busy with his play.”
Guy in back seat - “Ah, as in theater.”
Vic - “Yep.”
Riveting exchange.
“We’re going to a cabin. You know…like in the woods.”
- Sean
Thanks, glad you cleared that up for us, Sean. Don’t want to get it mixed up with all of those cabins in downtown Los Angeles.
But hey, people aren’t watching movies like this because they want a great story or exercises of verbal back and forth, they’re watching because they want to see stuff get shot and explode! If that’s your motive, you’re in luck - you’ve got guns with unlimited bullets, people who take major beatings and just keep going (including a guy taking multiple weight sets straight to the face that appear to have about as much affect as bouncing a fucking junior mint off of your skull), and explosions. There’s even someone with a rocket launcher, who has the choice of firing the rocket at two cars - one that the people are hiding behind and one that’s by itself…and she picks the isolated car. Oh, and Mr. Phillippe gets to wail on a couple of different women here - but at least it’s just pretend this time!
People already got their checks cut for this and I’m sure no one who worked on it is going to defend it as high art, but i really hate shitting on someone’s art; normally I like to point out some good things about the film while highlighting some constructive criticism, but this movie is fucking garbage. It’s wrapped in 2nd amendment commentary (“it’s not about the people you killed, it’s about the lives you saved.”) straight down to the cover art, which features the quote “Family comes first.” plastered across a waving American flag. The director has been quoted as saying that the movie has “…a great message”, but I’m not really sure what that message is, aside from “guns aren’t really that bad, as long as you’re killing bad guys.” Luckily, we’ll get to see a sequel! The movie ends with a ridiculous cliffhanger and according to the director, there’s already a script written. Will it be called The 2nd 2? Maybe it’ll be called the 3rd and they can make a whole franchise featuring movies that focus on upholding constitutional amendments!
You want one highlight? It’s Lexi Simonsen as Erin. She’s pretty good. Unfortunately she’s got no one to bounce off of. I guess there’s also a cool shot of a stunt double engulfed in flames. Now I feel better!
Project Power (2020).
In the world of Project Power, a narcotic has been invented and distributed throughout New Orleans that gives the user 5 minutes of extraordinary powers. Each person has one power that this pill brings forth, based on DNA strands that we share with certain animals (for example, you might get the ability to run as fast as a cheetah, or the ability to blend into your surroundings like a gecko, or you might just…explode?).
Jamie Foxx plays Art, an ex-Delta Force operative insistent on finding out who is distributing the pills, Dominique Fishback plays Robin, a drug dealer who would rather be rapping, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays Frank, a cop who fights fire with fire. It’s directed by Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman, best known for movies like Catfish and some of the Paranormal Activity sequels.
I’ll start with what I liked. I really like the setup here. I think the idea is a cool one and I’d have liked to see it explored over a season of TV instead of in a movie. There are so many great powers that could have come from this and we only got to see a handful of them. The special effects used during the power scenes are really great as well. We see people fully engulfed in fire, changing physical form, and just outright exploding. The effects were great all around. The colors really pop, especially on a great screen. This is one really good looking film. I liked the characters as well. I think that the bond formed between Art and Robin was pretty well done.
Unfortunately the movie suffers from a weak, predictable script. Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character Frank is almost completely wasted - if he wasn’t in the film, it would really make no difference. In fact, when he is on screen, it’s almost always just an excuse to toss Robin into the bushes so she can take care of some menial task so that she can stay out of danger. You can see the ending coming from a mile away.
Spoilers incoming. If you read on, I’m going to spoil some stuff. You’ve been warned.
There are a lot of small things that don’t make a lot of sense. Let’s take a look at the scene in which the main supplier, played by Olivier Martinez, is giving a demonstration to possible investors. A woman who’s a willing participant walks into a tank and takes one of the pills. Turns out her power is thermoregulation. In real life, thermoregulation is an organisms ability to keep its body temperature at a comfortable level even as the world around it changes temperature. It’s how penguins are able to survive without freezing. Even human organs have a bit of this. In Project Power, however, she starts freezing solid until he turns the heat up in the tank, which isn’t thermoregulation at all. Eventually, the tank stops working, and she freezes solid. It’s a scene that looks beautiful, but doesn’t make a lick of sense. For what it’s worth, I know some people really hated the action scene that takes place during this set piece…I loved it. You see all of the action from inside the tank and I thought that it was a really inventive perspective.
There’s also the scene in which Art, Jamie Foxx’s character, finally unleashes his power - that of the pistol shrimp. In real life, the pistol shrimp can snap it’s large claw so quickly that it evaporates the water around it at temperatures of up to 8000 degrees - literally a small version of the sun. This sounds like a really badass power, but when he uses it, it’s treated as…lasers? Fireballs? Something…that conveniently dodges Robin while murdering all of the undesirables. Oh, and it also kills Art. It made zero sense, but again, it looked cool.
Finally, we get to the very predictable ending. We know Art’s daughter Tracy is a healer (somehow, because what animal can heal other animals?). We know she’s going to heal Art and everything is going to be fine, even though Art probably does deserve to die. So here’s how it should have ended in a way that would have been way less predictable. You have Art die from the pistol shrimp pump. You have Tracy attempt to bring him back to life, but can’t. It’s sad for a minute. Then you have Robin bring Tracy home to live with her. Tracy sees that Robin’s mom has cancer and she cures her. I mean, after all of that exposition with Robin’s mom being sick, how did they not get Tracy there to heal her? This could have added a lot to the film.
I had a decent time watching Project Power. Maybe it’s because I like the players involved or maybe it’s because we didn’t get a super hero blockbuster movie this year, but I had fun with it. It’s not one that I’ll revisit, but if you want something shallow that looks good on screen, you can do worse than Project Power.
Skyscraper (1996).
I love a good “Die Hard in a ____” movie. The formula has worked for years in producing entertaining flicks in which one underprepared, ill-equipped hero has to deal with dozens of bad guys in an enclosed space. Films like Air Force One (Die Hard on a plane), Cliffhanger (Die Hard on a mountain), and Sudden Death (Die Hard in a hockey arena) were staples of my childhood that I still look upon fondly today.
Then there’s Skyscraper. Die Hard with tits.
“Well, excuse me for still believing in Sunday walks in the park, and little babies!”
- Carrie Winks
Skyscraper doesn’t really use the Die Hard “formula” as much as it just straight up rips off the whole movie and then bolts tits on top of John McClane.
In Skyscraper, a group of foreign terrorists led by a calm, eccentric break into a skyscraper, use the system to lock the place down from the inside, take a bunch of people hostage, and use their time inside to complete a heist. It’s even got an Ellis character (who begets the exact same fate), a Carl Winslow character (the “cop” who gets his first kill), the cop helping from the outside, people crawling through building vents, a scene where the hero rappels down the face of the skyscraper and kicks in through a window, and a heaping helping of 90’s clothing. Oh, and unlike Die Hard, we get some softcore pornographic scenes here (just highlighting Anna Nicole Smith’s breasts) and a super awkward attempted rape.
Anna Nicole Smith plays Carrie Wink, a Los Angeles helicopter taxi pilot who can plop her jugs out quicker than she can drool out accurate lines of dialogue. She’s a badass who can shoot (as we see in a flashback where she decimates six lined up beer bottles) but also can’t shoot (as we see when she misses twenty or so shots from a gun that holds six bullets while firing at a lumbering American Gladiator who’s equally inept with a firearm). She also really wants a baby, revealed in a subplot that goes nowhere.
“Some stupid, irrelevant Henry V quote that may have looked better on paper.”
- The bad guy
Her husband is Gordie Wink, played by Richard Steinmetz. He’s about as useful as an asshole on an elbow and just as smart. His reason for not wanting a baby is because she “works during the day and he works at night.” After his comedian partner gets roasted by a rocket, he’s ready for revenge, but is so terrible in combat that he’s simply saved repeatedly by others.
Her nemesis is Nakim, played by Calvin Levels. He’s a South African terrorist, hellbent on using stupid philosophical quotes before he kills people. He commands a team full of oiled up stock DTV mullet sporting white males who can’t shoot straight and one Whoopi Goldberg look-alike who also can’t shoot straight. They come armed with a million bullets and use every single one of them to shoot computers and stacks of paper. They fucking suck.
This movie is all kinds of stupid (we don’t even get into the skyscraper until 35 minutes in) but if there’s one good thing that came from Skyscraper it’s that there are a few good shots of people falling off of buildings. They definitely used their LAFD-giant-air-bag-for-stunt-doubles budget wisely. This was a direct-to-video offering in 1996 and it shows - contextual shots are doubled up (not 7 seconds apart), shot to shot inaccuracies are abundant (see below as the body lands on a car with 4 (!) different cuts that make no sense when woven together) and the dialogue is trash.
“Is this gonna be a shotgun wedding?”
- Carrie Winks
This isn’t trashy enough to be fun and not smart enough to be good. If you’re watching for Anna Nicole, just go look at her pictures online and save yourself an hour and a half. If you’re watching for any other reason…what’s wrong with you?
Here are some outtakes of Anna Nicole Smith, who seemed out of her mind while filming.
Getting Away (2019).
Getting Away is a short film from director Adam Kirkey. It follows Brenda (played by the stunning Monica Zelak) as she checks into an AirBNB that has a few surprises within. Make sure to watch the short before you read the rest of this review, because I’m going to spoil it. It’s only 9 minutes long, so you have no excuses. Here’s the film:
There are some things I really liked about this short film, and only two things that I didn’t. Let’s start with the good.
First off, I just have a soft spot for double entendre titles. Getting away for a weekend getaway AND from a masked killer? Dope. Second, I ABSOLUTELY LOVED the way it handled text messaging. Some movies get this really wrong. As a single person in an AirBNB texting her boyfriend, it gave us all of the information we needed without having Brenda say a word. Most of the tension is told in pictures through the phone and this could have been massively bungled. Luckily, it wasn’t - I was very impressed.
I also really liked the choice by Mr. Kirkey to allow the characters and situational decisions to remain smart. I started to roll my eyes at the old trope of “jumped in the car, but it won’t start!” until the camera pans down to the car’s old battery sitting in the passenger seat. There are little nuances here and there, like the masks on the wall (a simple, yet effective way of foreshadowing what’s to come). As an actress, Monica Zelak is great. I’m eager to see more of her work.
My only real criticism is with the camera work - I’d love to see a bit more confidence behind the camera in the next one (this will come with time and experience). The camera is constantly moving (intended, I’m sure, to make the shots seem more ‘vogueristic’ - yes, it’s a word I just made up), even when it doesn’t necessarily have to. The quality of the shots is great, I’d just love some time to let us chill with the characters a bit without feeling like we’re always on the go.
I’d have loved to see Brenda get away, but I understand that we really only had a few minutes with her and I’m not sure how she’d have done so. I think the ending could have been much stronger if we just saw the masked character emerge from the back seat and cut before the stabbing. Again, personal preference. I could also see the Matt stabbing coming from a mile away, but that’s probably just because I watch a ton of movies.
This was a really solid short. I’m excited to check out more of his work. If you enjoyed this short, make sure to subscribe to his YouTube channel (at the link above)!
Palm Springs (2020).
I cannot imagine a world in which Palm Springs is not in my top 5 movies at the end of the year. There’s not one thing that I didn’t enjoy while watching this. Unfortunately, I cannot say much about the movie without spoiling the plot (and I think this movie will work SO much better if you go in blind, as I did), so I’m going to be very vague. In essence, this will be a really stupid review in which all I do is gush.
“I felt everything I'll ever feel. So I'll never feel ever again.”
- Nyles
I guess I can describe the set-up. Nyles (played to perfection by Andy Samberg) and his girlfriend are at a wedding in…you guessed it…Palm Springs. He seems very indifferent towards her, shrugging her off and openly flirting with others at the wedding. At one point, he strikes up a conversation with another bridesmaid, Sarah (again, played to perfection by Cristin Milioti) and they slide into the desert night to have some fun with each other…and this is where shit goes off the rails. I know this description is vague, but you’ll thank me later. I’m not spoiling a goddamn thing.
You might have seen Andy Samberg’s name and thought this was a comedy - it’s not a straight comedy. It’s part romantic comedy, part…something else, and part thought-provoking drama. It balances the comedy with the drama in such smart, bold ways. Once you see it, you’ll draw obvious comparisons to certain movies (it fits right into a very specific sub-genre) and I think it’s at the top of the class with those other films.
“You gotta find your Irvine.”
- Roy
This film is written really well - it drops you in and lets you figure out what the hell is going on. It doesn’t hold your hand as things unfold. It shows, not tells, like a good movie should. The characters are all endearing and all have relatable flaws (which are dealt with in realistic ways). Roy, played by JK Simmons, was another standout here.
I cannot say anything bad about this movie. I watched it with a smile plastered on my face the entire time and it’s hard to imagine anyone watching it and not liking it.
Camping Fun (2020).
Camping Fun is the newest horror short from writer/director Thomas Burke. It’s 13 minutes long, just go watch it before you read the rest of the review - I’ll make it super easy for you. No seriously, because I’m about to spoil some stuff in it. You’ve been warned if you read on without watching it.
“I saw a little girl run across that field, near the abandoned house.”
- David
Camping Fun is a found footage flick set in Texas. The set-up is that in 2014, four friends went missing…after six years of silence, investigators recovered a partially damaged video camera, positively identifying the group and their last recorded footage.
I think there’s a lot of potential here. The atmosphere certainly is creepy and you instantly get a sense of who the characters are without spending a lot of time with them. This short also works because I’m not sure you’d want to spend a lot of time with these characters…it’s not that they aren’t well written, but rather that they’re the kind of people that I would want to hang out with for more than 13 minutes. I guess that’s a testament to the writing. The film whizzes by and gets right into the thick of things with the weirdness that’s going on, and although you don’t really know what’s happening (or why) when it’s over, the journey was fun.
“You shouldn’t have slept with him.”
- Lauren
There are two criticisms that I have with the short. The first is that, although found footage films are supposed to be chaotic and shaky, I do think that the shot of the girl in the field (the best shot of the film, in my opinion) had it’s impact lessened by the camera movements. I find it hard to believe that David, holding the camera, want to (or wouldn’t be able to) focus in on that strange moment to capture it both for the documentary they were filming and to show his friends directly afterwards (instead he just walks in and tells them what he saw, but they don’t believe him…SHOW THEM THE FUCKING FOOTAGE, MAN! YOU’RE HOLDING THE DSLR!).
“It’s not my fault you’re stupid.”
- A great boyfriend
The second is that there’s no big “HOLY SHIT” moment that will linger with you forever (and they had a really great opportunity for one!). Think…the ending of The Blair Witch Project, or the girl from The Ring. There’s a scene near the end of the short when Lauren is choking Jamie to death on a table as the footage sort of freezes in and out - what if, instead of choking her, as Jamie puts up a fight, Lauren snaps the top half of Jamie’s jaw back unnaturally against the edge of the table, dislocating it from her lower jaw and leaving half of her lifeless skull looking directly into the camera…lingering for just a moment too long before transitioning to the next shot?
I think there were some great ideas at play here and I’m really looking forward to what Thomas Burke does next. I think it’s definitely worth a watch and it won’t take up much of your time.
What do you think the sinister plan was at play? A cult? Vampires? Was this Lauren’s first lured group? So…many…questions…
Pieces (1982).
“You don’t need to go to Texas for a chainsaw massacre!”
This movie is really hard to put into words, but I’m going to give it the ol’ college try.
Pieces is the tale of a boy who gets caught by his mother while putting together a jigsaw puzzle of a naked woman, so he chops her head off. When the cops come to investigate, they find him cowering in a closet, as if someone else committed the horrific crime. Solid start, I must say. 40 years later, he emerges (dressed like the 1940’s noir character The Shadow for some reason) on a college campus, putting the same ratty puzzle together while collecting the body parts of attractive young women.
“Right now we’re just buying clothes without labels and trying them on for size.”
- Detective Bracken
You have to be in the right mindset to watch Pieces. This movie is BONKERS. If you go into it with the mindset that you’re doing to be seeing a serious slasher film, you’re going to have a bad time. The dialogue was originally in Spanish (it’s original title translates to ‘The Night Has 1,000 Screams’), so it’s dubbed (hilariously) and the acting is atrocious. The story makes zero sense. Grab your alcoholic beverage of choice, smoke some weed, and gather with some friends (safely, of course) and you’ll have an awesome time.
The gore effects are quite good. The killer’s weapons of choice are a chainsaw and a knife, so you see all the steel-on-limb action you can handle. Like many 80’s slashers, most of the victims are attractive, topless females.
The most beautiful thing in the world is smoking pot and fucking on a waterbed, at the same time.
- Some female student, ripe for the killing
There are some things that happen in this movie that cannot be explained and are just absolutely batshit crazy. The police allow a student named Kendall to just…be part of the team that is attempting to catch this serial killer (team is a loose term here, because it consists of one tennis pro-turned-policewoman named Mary Riggs who is undercover posing as the school tennis coach, two cops who spend all of their time at the station doing other things, and this kid).
Another great example - at one point, Mary is sneaking around the gymnasium listening for odd sounds. Out of the dark jumps a blue jumpsuit wearing Bruce Lee clone, who kicks at her a few times for no good reason. While on the ground, Mary punts Bruce Clone in the sack, and he falls to the ground until Kendall runs over and picks him up. Here’s the actual dialogue written:
Kendall: “Oh, hey, it's my Kung Fu professor. What's the story, Chao?”
Chao: “Ohhh, I am out jogging and next thing I know I am on ground! Something I eat, bad chop suey. So long!”
Kendall: “Take it easy!”
Mary laughs it off and the “Kung Fu professor” (whatever the fuck that means) is never seen again. So weird, but so hilarious.
“While we out here fumbling with that music... the lousy bastard was in there, KILLING HER! BASTARD! BAAAAASTAAARD! BASTAAARD!”
- Mary Riggs
I mean…a girl skateboards into a glass pane and it just cuts away, never to be seen again. The killer’s chainsaw is found by the police, and he has it again in the next scene. This thing is full of gaffes that will have you laughing all night long. Oh, and the final shot of the movie? It makes absolutely zero sense and seems like it’s out of a different movie entirely, but I promise you’ll be talking about it as the credits roll. I know I’ll never forget it.
Grindhouse Releasing put a lot into the Blu-ray set, you have to hand it to them. In addition to a fantastic 4K transfer from the original 35mm can, you get two cuts of the film (the American version at 83 minutes and the Spanish version at 86 minutes). The best thing about the Spanish cut is that it adds the original score - the cut footage is really nothing special, unless you care about watching this stupid killer put his fucking 40 year old jigsaw puzzle back together CONSTANTLY. Like…dude, just put it together once and keep it together. It’s less than 100 pieces total.
“The killer is either someone who is on or near the campus!”
- A super smart detective
The set also includes the soundtrack to the film, a commentary by film“red herring” Jack Taylor, the full-length documentary 42nd Street Memories (which doesn’t have anything to do with Pieces, but is a fantastic doc about the New York Grindhouse scene), and more. It’s a really solid set and Grindhouse Releasing should get a lot of credit here.
Overall, I had a great time with this. Like I said, if you’re in the right mindset, this film is a blast and it’ll play great with a crowd.