L.A. Wars (1994)

L.A. Wars instantly drops us into an alternate version of 90’s Los Angeles, one in which a “mafia” that consists of around 5 incompetent Italians run the city’s drug trade (and loose fitting suit economy) with an iron fist. The leader of this gang, Mr. Giovani, has a naive daughter named Carla who becomes a target when a South American cartel that’s double the size of Mr. Giovani’s (they can’t all fit in one car, they need a van) tries to muscle in on their territory.

Fortunately for Mr. Giovani, a bouncer named Jake Quinn comes to the rescue and earns a job working as Carla’s bodyguard. Unfortunately, Quinn is also working with the L.A.P.D., in an effort to both clear his name and get his badge back so that he can return to the only job he’s ever loved. Bouncing drunks at a bar called Boardners pays the bills but doesn’t fill the soul.

You’ve heard of cops who shoot first and ask questions later…but Quinn is a man who shoots first and just never asks questions. He plays by “Quinn’s Rules”, which basically means murdering anyone who fucks around in his vicinity. Unfortunately, Quinn’s Rules don’t include simple conflicts of interest, like professing your undying love for the person you’re supposed to be protecting the day after you meet her. After that, things get complicated.

This is 90’s cheese all the way. Ill-fitting, wacky fashion, Mac-10s, tons of bad guys who just happen to know karate, and pump shotguns that turn cars into balls of flames with one shot from twenty feet away. Unfortunately, if you’ve seen Steven Seagal or Lorenzo Lamas films before, there’s nothing really memorable here. Low grade chest squibs, slow moving action beats, a few fake breasts, and typical bad acting that’s regrettably not so bad that it’s outright hilarious. It’s cut from the same cloth as those other 90’s Andy Sidaris action flicks - entertaining enough to keep you in a chair for an hour and change, but that’s about it.