Mag Wheels (1978).

“If chicks were supposed to be tough, God would’ve given ‘em muscles.”

Directed by Bethel Buckalew

Written by Bethel Buckalew

Starring John Laughlin, Shelly Horner, Verkina Flower, Phoebe Schmidt, vans, and trucks

The Stage.

A group of guys in vans and a group of girls in trucks go back and forth in a cycle of stupidity as Anita, a stupid girl who just wanted to lay on the beach, gets caught in the middle of it.

The Review.

Mag Wheels (also known as Summer School, which makes zero sense because the students are just in regular school) was a short run drive-in film that was later a mainstay on USA’s Up All Night block. It feels like a cheesy teen film about kids who like to hang out on the beach all day until it takes an oddly dark turn in the last twenty minutes.

Steve is part of a gang of beach bums who drive around in colorful vans. They also have a “pledge” (like some kind of fraternity) who seems like he’s about 40 years old that they bully and push around. We get to see these jocks play frisbee for about 3 minutes of the film as they just literally horse around next to the water. Jill is part of her own gang of female beach bums who drive around in colorful trucks. They don’t like the van boys because they don’t know how to park correctly. Anita is the new girl in town who meets both groups while sitting on the beach when she (and the rest of the degenerates) are supposed to be in class. Steve sees Anita and takes a liking to her, much to the chagrin of his bulldog girlfriend Donna.

Most of the rest of the film takes place in and around the Boogie Bowl, a roller rink filled with skaters and other high schoolers who just come to hang out. A lot of the back and forth between the two groups is pretty innocent aside from Donna trying to run Anita off the road on her way home from work. About 45 minutes in, Donna decides to really turn things up a notch. During one night at the rink, she calls the police and informs them that Steve is dealing cocaine out of his van. Of course he’s not, and when confronted by the cops, it’s put into his ear that Anita is the one who ratted him out. He’s obviously not pleased about this possibility. He and his van crew follow Anita and Jill from their house, pull a Mad Max style move on Jill’s truck to slow them down as one kid jumps from the van into the back of their truck and tosses ropes to the other vans to anchor and stop their ride. They then rip the women out of their truck and attempt to rape them in the middle of the fucking desert. Luckily they called in the truck gang on their CB radio earlier in the sequence and the girls roll in to save the day.

Back in class, a teacher is having a bizarre class discussion about cause and effect and uses rape as the example, which sets off all of the students involved. Steve tells her to just ‘laugh it off’, but instead Anita and Donna get into it and fight in class. Anita is suspended as a result.

In a last ditch effort to provide consequences for the males, the females devise a “drag-off”, a redneck sport in which the trucks line up on one side of a small canyon and the vans line up on the other with a rope tying the vehicles together, leading to a vehicular tug-of-war. The winners of this game win the prize of pride, while the losers wreck their vehicles and are probably dead. Anita doesn’t know about the game until it’s already started, so she drives out to stop them because she doesn’t want anyone dying. Unable to stop the game, she instead hits the gas and launches her dad’s station wagon into the canyon in a bizarre suicide attempt. Steve rushes down and pronounces, “She’s alive!” as the van rapists and the truck ladies both celebrate like their favorite baseball team just went up 1-0 in the second inning and Steve cradles the love of his life that he both almost lost moments ago and almost gang raped a two days before.

From a filmmaking aspect, the skill used to create this confusing slice of sleaze was minimal. Shots are static and nothing feels dynamic. There’s really only about 45 minutes worth of actual content here, the rest is padded out by long scenes of people skateboarding, playing pinball, or pointlessly running around on the beach.

The End.

Mag Wheels is a bad film with a frustrating narrative. The van crew is filled with mean spirited rapists who are never held accountable for their actions, nor is Donna, the woman who sparked all of this craziness. The director presents perhaps the most morbid “happy ending” that I’ve ever seen on film as a woman who just tried to end it all is held by the man who sicked his entire gang of rapists on her as a song that calls her out by name swells over the credits. At the same time, it’s hard to feel bad for Anita, who says Steve is, “Not that bad” after the attempted rape when Jill calls him out for being a total piece of shit. Maybe if she had died at the end, the crew would have seen that there are consequences to their actions. What happens after they drag Anita out of the canyon? She dates the rapist and her dad murders her for destroying the family car?

The most interesting part of the film is the female truck gang, and we simply don’t get enough of them on screen. One of them shows up to stop the gang rape and beats the shit out of the guys using karate moves (and of course she’s the Asian one in the group). I wanted more of that actress.

It’s hard to recommend this to even the most ardent viewers of grindhouse drive-in cinema. It’s mean-spirited, chauvinistic, and utterly stupid.

Walking the Edge (1985).

“I am no coward but I’m no hero either.”

Directed by Norbert Meisel

Written by Curt Allen

Starring Robert Forster, Nancy Kwan, A Martinez, a few bad guys, and tight t-shirts.

The Stage.

Jason, a cab driver who also collects debts for his boss, takes a fare that brings him more trouble than he could have imagined. Now he’s stuck with her and he’s got three goons hunting him down throughout the city.

The Review.

Where do I even start showering my newfound love for Walking the Edge? This one completely snuck up on me and I honestly loved every second of it. Let’s start with the writing, because I think that’s one of the movie’s strongest points, specifically the dialogue. Now I don’t know if it’s due to the words on the page or the actors involved, but every line feels so real, so genuine, just pitch perfect for the grimy 80’s setting. People are quipping one-liners but nothing ever sounds cheesy and the back and forth dialogue is like an intricate dance, reminiscent of Quentin Tarantino. At one point a bad guy dies, and Jason blurts out “Say hello to hot weather, you filthy fuckin’ scum.” Curt Allen wrote the screenplay and I guess I’ll need to see something else he’s done to really understand where the credit should go, because every actor in this film is magnificent.

Robert Forster plays Jason, an ex-baseball player turned cabbie who is just tired of getting pushed around. We see him go from a verbal punching bag to a man on the edge, a guy who isn’t a hero to a vigilante doling out justice. Forster was a goddamn force of nature in this film, just fantastic. The co-MVP of Walking the Edge is his best friend, a fellow cab driver named Tony who’s played by A. Martinez. Tony is loyal to a fault, giving Jason only the best advice at all times - if only we all had friends as good as Tony. He’s got a short amount of screen time, but I’ll be damned if he didn’t do everything he could with those precious minutes. The trio of scumbags who are after Jason and the woman he’s hiding are your typical 80’s bad guys who are just kind of bad because they like being bad. There’s no depth to them but they will make you hate them. The dynamics between the three were actually quite interesting, because they seemingly hate each other, but come together when there’s nefarious activity at hand.

The film isn’t too gory and it’s not exploitative, although you can see it in its roots. It is gritty, and shows off 80’s Los Angeles which was cool. Really the only thing I didn’t love about Walking the Edge was the love story that was kind of shoehorned in and seemed pretty unnatural, especially considering the mindset of Christine, played by Nancy Kwan.

The End.

I loved Walking the Edge, I loved it so much. It’s one of those films that felt like lightning in a bottle, and I’m wondering why it didn’t propel some of the people involved into bigger things. Maybe it wasn’t as well received in 1985 or maybe I’m in the minority for some reason, I don’t know, but what I do know is that the next time I’m looking to write quick-witted dialogue in one of my screenplays, I’m going to look to Walking the Edge as a blueprint. And Robert Forster, people need to start including him in lists of the greatest actors of his generation, he was just so good at what he did.

This disc was put out by Fun City and they really put a lot into it. The picture looks great and the audio is crisp and clear. There are two full length audio commentaries and a twenty minute interview that rounds out the extras.

Pig (2021).

“I don’t fuck my pig.”

Directed by Michael Sarnoski

Written by Michael Sarnoski

Starring Nic Cage, Alex Wolff, Adam Arkin, and a pig that looks like Ron Swanson

The Stage.

A secluded truffle farmer named Rob is assaulted and his cute little foraging pig is stolen. With the help of his buyer, Amir, he heads to Portland to get his pig back.

The Review.

I don’t watch trailers, all I’d heard is that Pig was going to be like some John Wick-style story in which a person who has way more to them than you’d realize goes to get an animal back from the bad guys. So I sat down to watch this film and that’s definitely the plot, but instead of being some kind of badass assassin, Cage plays an ex-chef, and instead of using guns to get to the bottom of things, he uses words and relationships. Never did I think that I’d get teary eyed by the end of it.

Nicolas Cage is Rob, a man who lives out in the woods with his pig. Together, they forage for truffles, a rare fungus that grows under the soil, which they sell to Amir every Thursday so that he can sell them to local restaurants. Rob is a recluse. We find out early on that he’s got some trauma in his past and he seems to have no friends or connections to anyone aside from his swine. Nicolas Cage’s performance in this is his best in years, I would not be surprised to see him nominated for an Oscar for this role. If you’re coming for the patented meme-worthy freak outs, you’re not going to find those here. You’re instead going to find a nuanced, subtle performance as Rob is forced to go through various layers of the truffle trade to find out who has taken his friend.

At first, it feels like Pig might get into exploitative territory but it quickly switches direction to a much more cerebral place. This isn’t an action movie and it sure as hell isn’t a revenge story. It’s a tale of dealing with grief by three different people. Rob is an ex-chef, one who cared less about the food he was serving and more about the people he was serving. He never forgets a face and never forgets a meal, and he uses these skills to find who took his pig by tugging at heartstrings and having real conversations with people that he used to know.

There’s a brilliant scene in which Amir and Rob find themselves at a fancy, upscale Portland restaurant. The waitress is spouting off about the complicated food, a truffle, deconstructed scallop combo flash frozen as the sea and forest meet, blah, blah, blah. Afterward, Rob calls over the chef, who recognizes him and sits down. See, he worked for Rob for two months fifteen years ago…but Rob never forgets a face. It’s in this scene that we know all we need to know about Rob. He speaks to the chef’s heart, asking him why he does what he does. And in the scene, we see this chef cracking before our eyes as he realizes that what he’s doing is all bullshit. Every actor is pitch perfect in this scene - David Knell as Chef Finway is trying to keep a smile on his face to fool the customers who ultimately don’t give a damn about him as his soul is quietly crushed on camera. Rob, staring into his eyes spouting truth and Amir, awkwardly watching this all go down. It’s one of my favorite scenes this year.

Speaking of Amir, Alex Wolff is so perfect in this role. At first he seems like your typical big city hipster douche, and as we go through the story we learn so much about why he’s the way he is and we begin to empathize with him. He’s going through his own tale of grief while trying to measure up to a father that he shouldn’t be looking up to in the first place. Who knew there would be so much power in simply turning a radio off. His father is played by Adam Arkin as a gangster who evokes menace, but at his core is also just working through things in his own way. I loved how everyone in this film is layered in shades of gray. No one is as one-dimensional as movies often portray.

The End.

In a way, I think that Nicolas Cage’s performance in Pig is an allegory to the film itself. Cage is a man who seems like the butt of Hollywood jokes, and many people probably only say they like him ironically for those performances like The Wicker Man or the DTV crap he’s been in, just as those who see Rob make fun of him as they drive away. But at his core, Nic Cage is a fucking great actor with an Oscar on his mantle, and just as Rob comes out of the woods to show Portland he’s still here, Cage comes out of the woods to show you what the fuck he can do. This is acting, and all that other bullshit doesn’t matter.

Pig is fucking awesome. It’s a tour de force of acting and an example that even a simple story, if written and acted well, can have a big impact.

Strike Commando (1987).

“Russian dentists make pretty good dentures.”

Directed by Bruno Mattei

Written by Rossella Drudi

Starring Reb Brown, Christopher Connelly, Louise Kamsteeg, the jungle, and lots and lots of sweat and grenades

The Stage.

After being left for dead by his own military, Michael Ransom make it back to his squad, only to be thrown back into the fire on a recon mission. Unfortunately he’s captured, and has to survive a POW camp as well as a pack of traitorous Americans.

The Review.

Strike Commando feels like four 80’s movie segments wrapped into one long film that has one scene in particular that is so bad that it’s amazing.

Although it was filmed in the Philippines like many low budget 80’s war and adventure movies, the story takes place in Vietnam. The first segment sees Michael Ransom and his gang of red shirt commandos leading a strike on a Vietnamese armory. It’s reminiscent of the opening scenes of Navy S.E.A.L.S. and Sniper, and ends with Ransom double-crossed for no good reason by a team of traitors on his own team. Luckily, he survives the attack and finds himself in a Vietnamese village where they heal him up so that he can find his way back to civilization. Along the way he befriends a tween Vietnamese boy which pays off in a hilarious way. More on that later.

The second segment sees him trying to get back to his squad while sheltering the Vietnamese townspeople he’s trying to liberate. It’s clunky and slow and I assumed that this was going to be the rest of the film - Ransom trying to outsmart the Vietcong while trying to get back to a squad that would rather have him dead for no reason, but he immediately gets back to them and then the film starts ramping up.

After a debriefing, Ransom is immediately sent back out for recon for the third segment, which we’ll call the Rambo: First Blood, Part 2 ripoff. He finds the Vietnamese people he befriended slaughtered, although in true low-budget fashion, you can see all the actors portraying dead bodies breathing. The boy has a few last words, and it leads to one of the best comedic movie moments of all time as he tries to explain Disneyland to the kid, clearly having never been there himself.

In the last segment, Ransom breaks out of a POW camp and goes after those responsible, killing the Vietnamese, Russians, and Americans that get in his way. The film is mostly bloodless which is a bit disappointing. The people who get blown away by the non-stop barrage of bullets mostly just spin and fall while smoke packs pop from the ground. The best kill happens when Ransom (who seems to have a great affinity for just leaving big bundles of grenades as deadly gifts) stuffs a live grenade into someone’s mouth, blowing them into smithereens. Speaking of bundles of grenades, another Strike Commando highlight happens when Ransom swims out to an enemy scouting boat, drops a fresh bundle in, and swims away as the boat explodes. The boat is clearly a miniature, a tactic used by many filmmakers in the 80’s to save money, but Bruno Mattei decided to put tiny toy soldiers on board that look absolutely hilarious when they pop into the air as the boat disintegrates.

The End.

Strike Commando is a pretty standard Rambo-style 80’s ripoff but it does offer a bit of charm because of the character of Michael Ransom. His determination, overacting, and unlimited supply of bullets are kind of fun to watch as he trudges through the jungle and his Disneyland explanation is on par with those so-bad-they’re-good film moments you see in Troll 2, Tough Guys Don’t Dance, and The Room.

The Severin disc looks really nice and has some extras. If you’re a fan of war movies and are interested in the low-budget hilarity within, Strike Commando is probably a worthy addition to your collection.

Black Widow (2021).

“Your pain only makes you stronger.”

Directed by Cate Shortland

Written by Eric Pearson

Starring Scarlett Johansson, Florence Pugh, David Harbour, Ray Winstone, and Rachel Weisz

The Stage.

This is the origin story of how Black Widow got her vest and blonde hair for Infinity War. It involves her sister, Yelena, her parents, the Taskmaster, and your good ol’ Marvel trope of the old, uninteresting white bad guy in a heavily fortified office pulling all the strings.

The Review.

As the movie got underway, I had a bad feeling about it. See, I cannot stand this current trend of taking a really great song from yesteryear and slowing it down and modernizing it, so when a slow, piano driven cover of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” started playing over the credits, my eyes nearly rolled all the way into the back of my head. Fortunately, that was one of the worst parts of the film, and although I hated the cover, it kind of made sense later on.

You’ve seen plenty of Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow by this point so let’s talk about the new additions to the MCU. Florence Pugh plays Yelena, Natasha’s sister. I’m guessing this is going to be a lot of casual movie fans’ first impression of Ms. Pugh and what an intro it was. I’ve been a fan of hers since Midsommar and I thought she was absolutely fantastic here. She gets a chance to show both her dramatic and comedy chops and she just never misses. David Harbour also joins the MCU as the Red Guardian, and what a treat he was as the Russian Super Soldier. He was really funny and I am becoming just a very big fan of his. Rachel Weisz rounds out the family as the matriarch - it was good to see her and although she didn’t do a whole lot on screen, she’s never been bad in a role. All were welcome additions.

The story is pretty typical Marvel fare and will make you wish you rewatched Captain America: Civil War. It’s one of those tales that doesn’t hold up to scrutiny if you try to pick it apart (like asking yourself, “How has this guy not only built a floating castle, but managed to fly it over England without anyone knowing about it for this long?” or, “How has Black Widow survived this movie without actual super powers?”, but it’s a Marvel movie, so it’s not grounded in our reality. The film not only fills the gap of what Black Widow was doing between Civil War and Infinity War, it’s also presenting an allegory for Harvey Weinstein and other child grooming sick fucks. “Smells like teen spirit” indeed. They even tossed a few swear words in there and a conversation about involuntary hysterectomies was as uncomfortable as it was intended. As a “number two”, The Taskmaster is a pretty interesting character, but the final fight seems a bit abrupt and didn’t seem to ratchet the tension up constantly like it could have. At that point, maybe they just didn’t want to gas the audience since the final set piece lasted around thirty minutes.

The action was surprisingly fantastic with some absolutely brutal moments. There’s a fight scene between Natasha and her sister when they first meet up again that doesn’t make any sense but looks cool as hell. There’s a fantastic car chase scene, and the end sequence is thrilling despite the bad CGI that seems to always rear its ugly head during Marvel films. I’m always baffled with how much money Disney has and they still cannot manage to fix some of this awful CGI. It happened in Black Panther and it happened in many shots here. There’s a shot in which Florence Pugh jams a staff in something and is blown backwards and it looked like Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves level green screen work. I’ve got two other complaints but I’ll address those during the spoiler section.

The End.

Overall, I really enjoyed Black Widow. I thought it was a fitting final (?) look at Natasha Romanov’s character that set up an interesting arc for the future. Florence Pugh was so goddamn good and David Harbour was great as usual. The chemistry between everyone seemed so genuine. If you’re a fan of action movies and spy movies, you’re really going to like those elements here. Black Widow seems like it has something for everyone, so unless you’re one of those contrarians who despises Marvel films, you’re probably going to enjoy this. Upon one watch, I’d probably slot it into the top third of all of the Marvel releases, which says a lot because I do enjoy these films.

Spoilers.

You’ve been warned.

Would it have been that bad to have Black Widow shoot Dreykov in the face? The film presented this man as an allegory for a pedophile, one who grooms forgotten girls from a young age and uses them to his own advantage. In his own sick words, he uses “the only natural resource Earth has too much of…girls.” He deserved a brutal, one-on-one death at the hands of Natasha Romanov. Instead, he gets unceremoniously blown up with a bunch of other cronies like we’ve seen so many times before.

Give Black Widow that moment, give Natasha that moment. Have him get out of the helicopter before it takes off. Natasha sees him, stalks him, watches him beg for his life, but the pheromones don’t work anymore. She plugs him in the head from a wide shot (because this is Marvel, after all, and ten year olds shouldn’t see brains splattering from the back of someone’s head), and kicks his slumping body off of the falling wreckage, mixing it indiscriminately with the rest of the trash.

I get it, Disney doesn’t want its heroes shooting people in the face, but someone like Dreykov deserves to get shot in the fucking face and Natasha and the audience wouldn’t feel the least bit bad about that, nor should we. Stop treating these villains with the respect they don’t deserve.

F9: The Fast Saga (2021).

“…something, something, something, family.”

Directed by Justin Lin

Written by Daniel Casey and Justin Lin (and probably Vin Diesel)

Starring Vin Diesel and his family, John Cena, Charlize Theron, cars, and magnets

The Stage.

Dom is living off the grid (again) when he’s recruited for one more mission (again) to find some ball that reprograms something so that bad people can rule the world or whatever. And then a lot of stuff happens with cars and magnets.

The Review.

By now you should know exactly what you’re walking into when you purchase a ticket to see a movie in the Fast & Furious franchise. Over the course of 20 years, they’ve cultivated a world in which physics and mortality don’t apply, and in this film, they flat out tell you that they don’t give a fuck. There are a few instances in F9 in which characters ponder their own invincibility aloud to the audience and make fun of the importance of physics, as if to say, “Yeah, we get it, we just don’t care, so if you care, you’re watching the wrong flick.”

The film starts off with a smashing action scene in which the “family” trounces through a Central American jungle with sports cars, motorcycles, and tanks. Every few minutes the danger is upped by things like landmines, helicopters, and bridges, none of which pay any attention to how things work in the real world. The action ramps up later in the film with big fat controllable magnets, which again make zero sense in how selective they are with what they stick to, but they’re fun nonetheless. Tej, who has gone from a mechanic who could barely put ejector seats in cars to a super hacker with unlimited resources somehow outfits each car with these super magnets with their own custom controls (a task which would probably take a whole company of engineers months to build) within a few hours and that’s when some incredible carnage starts taking place. It’s utter nonsense, but it’s also really fun, even if you know that the stakes aren’t really that high because the humans are made out of concrete and no one ever dies no matter what happens to them.

The worst parts of F9 happen when we float back to Dom’s childhood as he and his brother witness their dad die in a racing accident. Teenage Dom isn’t a great actor, looks nothing like Vin Diesel, and is also about a foot taller than his little brother. This feels very weird when the brothers meet face to face later in the film and the younger brother is a little bit taller than big bro, which I’m sure had everyone thinking that either Jacob hit puberty VERY late or Dom has somehow shrunk by 13 inches. The flashbacks could have easily been portrayed to the audience via dialogue and saved us twenty minutes of screen time. The comedy is totally lame this time around and some of this is due to the editing, which struck me as especially poor. Certain jokes and scenarios could have benefited from tighter editing, the movie felt like its timing was just really off. A little more time chopping things up and bringing in someone to punch up the script could have really paid off.

The End.

In summary, and hear me out…as I reflect on the latest two hours I spent with Vin Diesel and his family, I cannot help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, we’re the dumb ones. Maybe the magnet aspect of the script is an allegory for family and Vin, under a pen name of course, is really trying to tell us that although family may repel from each other and cause destruction, at the end of the day, it’s always going to come together at the end. Or maybe the movie is just dumb as shit.

No Sudden Move (2021).

“So what’s the score?”

Directed by Steven Soderbergh

Written by Ed Solomon

Starring Don Cheadle, Benicio Del Toro, David Harbour, Jon Hamm, and Kieran Culkin

The Stage.

The job seems simple for Curt Goynes and Ronald Russell. Babysit a claims adjuster’s wife and kids while he retrieves an item from a safe at work for an easy payday. Unfortunately, this is a movie, so things go sideways and the two have to work together to get out…and get paid.

The Review.

The first thing I have to mention is the cast, which is filled with A players. Don Cheadle plays Curt, a gangster with an ace up his sleeve who’s looking for redemption after a job went wrong and got bloody. Benicio Del Toro plays Ronald, a racist with eyes on leaving the mob if things swing his way. David Harbour rounds out the main trio, a man who just can’t seem to get things done (aside from his secretary, that is). Rounding out the cast are Brendan Frasier, Jon Hamm, Kieran Culkin, and plenty of other cameos that I won’t spoil here because I know I really appreciated it when their faces came up on screen. Needless to say, Soderbergh called in all favors on this one, and everyone aside from the performance by the actor who played the secretary was fantastic. Not sure what she was doing, but it felt like dollar-store Anna Faris and not in a good way.

The story is one of 50’s Motor City espionage, where everyone has a secret and everyone is looking to get paid. It’s got plenty of twists and turns and the film doesn’t really show it’s hand until the very end. Unfortunately, it feels a bit messy and although I had no problems understanding what was going on, many people online have. The filmmakers aren’t holding hands here. There are also things that are just sort of implied (like a possible relationship between two neighbors) and don’t go anywhere that feel like red herrings just to add a bit of depth to the story but ultimately feel a bit pointless once the credits roll.

The cinematography is a little jarring. Detroit and it’s surrounding area look great but Soderbergh shot the film with some period accurate super-wide angle lenses which almost gives a certain fish-eye effect to the flick, a look that was sometimes so extreme that there was dark shadows in the corners of the screen and distortion around the edges. I hated this and it felt more like a gimmick than something that added to the film. The 50’s sets and clothing were all great as you’d expect from a filmmaker of Soderbergh’s caliber.

The End.

I thought No Sudden Move was a decent noir-thriller but it’s not one that I’d watch again. The story was muddy with everyone angling in every direction, a tale rife with double and triple crosses. The performances are strong, but once the film was over the whole thing seemed pretty forgettable. The strongest part of the film is the first 20 minutes, but once they leave the residence where the criminals are babysitting the housewife and her children, the film kind of runs out of steam.

Alien from L.A. (1989).

“You think I’m an alien?”

Directed by Albert Pyun

Written by Debra Ricci, Sandra Berg, and Albert Pyun

Starring Kathy Ireland, William R. Moses, Richard Haines, and absolutely zero aliens

The Stage.

A boring square from Los Angeles is thrust into a weird subterranean world when she goes to Africa on a search for her father but falls down a hole into the center of the earth. I feel pretty stupid because until the end of the film, I thought the movie was called Alien In L.A., and was sitting there like, “When are we actually going back to Los Angeles?” Later, I realized the title was stupid, because there are also no aliens in the film.

The Review.

In short, this movie is a steaming pile of ass. It’s like a combination of Alice in Wonderland and Journey to the Center of the Earth, but instead of finding a fantastical world full of adventure, Alice just fell down the hole and landed in a pond of thick diarrhea.

Enter, Kathy Ireland. Body of a goddess. Face of an angel. Voice of a Smurf. In 1988, her Barbazon modeling career had taken off and her agents must have felt like she’d outgrown her L.A. Gear contract, so Cannon Films gave her her first big break. From the very first moment Kathy Ireland is on screen, you’ll regret starting this film just because of her voice. I’ll give her some credit - after working on this film, I’ve read that she did a lot with vocalists to improve her delivery and cadence, but in Alien From L.A., she sounds like an oblivious eight-year-old continuously whining because her big brother took her toy. In the first scene, backed by epic soap opera we see Wanda’s boyfriend Robby breaking up with her because she’s scared of traveling which ruined his summer, and in his words, “Your glasses make you look stupid, your hair is ugly, you dress like a nerd, you walk like a clod, and your voice gives me a headache.” What a good dude. Then again, even her best friend kind of treats her like she’s a nuisance in the few scenes we see her in, so maybe she just needs a better support system.

Long story short, she gets a letter that her dad has died by falling into a hole in Africa, so in an effort to change so that she can win Robby back, she decides to get over her fear of flying and heads over there to see how her estranged dad lived. While there, finds a bunch of pictures her dad had of her showing that he probably did care about her, even if he hadn’t spoken to her in ten years even though there’s a phone in the same room as the photographs. She explores his space a bit and ends up falling down the same hole her pops did in a scene featuring CGI that is sure to give you a chuckle. Then we spend about eighty minutes in this weird community under the Earth that looks like a meld of Dennis Leary’s hideout in Demolition Man and your nearest sewer. Pretty sure this was Albert Pyun’s first crack at a dystopian land and he probably recycled the sets for his JCVD epic Cyborg which was filmed the following year. Unfortunately, it’s not half as fun as Cyborg, and that’s coming from someone who thinks Cyborg is a piece of shit. It drags along at a snails pace as we take Wanda through the ringer as the people in the underground wasteland think she’s some kind of alien. Watch for a poignant moment of character development as Wanda’s glasses get smashed and she just decides she doesn’t need glasses to see anymore.

Now I know what you’re thinking - does she get Robby back? Actually, no one is thinking that because he is a dickhead and she deserves better, but her time underground has certainly changed her. Hey Rob, remember when you said her glasses made her look stupid, her hair was ugly, she dressed like a nerd, walked like a clod, and her voice gave you a headache? Well in the last scene she’s not wearing glasses, her hair is wet from going in the ocean, she’s in a bikini, and even though she still walks like a clod and her voice is the same, you’re looking at an all new Wanda, you fuckin’ loser.

The End.

Alien From L.A. is a harmless film but it’s also pretty fun-less (new word, just made it up). Despite Kathy Ireland’s innocent charm hidden behind her glass-cracking voice, there just isn’t any joy or suspense to be derived from the movie. Understandably, the film failed to launch Kathy Ireland’s career, as the next year she would play ‘Credits Girl’ in Worth Winning and then played the character of Marie in Side Out, a feature-length adaptation of Top Gun’s volley ball scene.

Now I didn’t like Alien From L.A., but others did. Here’s a comment from rooprect on IMDB, they say, “What a great movie. With a dark, dusty visual style every bit as good as "Bladerunner", with costumes & props every bit as good as "Mad Max", with a totalitarian theme every bit as good as "THX-1138", and with a satirical wit every bit as deadpan as "Robocop", this film was quite an achievement.” I mean…wow. High praise from rooprect. Backboy36 says, “Most reviewers won't give it a break, but it is a good example of what I like about movies, it doesn't take itself seriously. It has a few good laughs and some action.” Easy to please, I dig it.

Surf II (1984).

“This place is a fuckin’ zoo.”

Directed by Randall M. Badat

Written by Randall M. Badat

Starring Eddie Deezen, Linda Kerridge, Eric Stoltz, and lots and lots of surfboards.

The Stage.

“Those little surfer fucks.”

A nerd named Menlo has created a soda called Buzz Cola that turns surfers into mindless zombies that have been ravaging a California beach.

The Review.

Where do I start with Surf II? If you’d like to know what happens in the first one, there is no first one. That’s right, this is the first film, although the word crawl that kicks the film off could have easily been the plot of a part 1. With that context, get ready for this bonkers story. A nerd with an abnormal grudge against surfers has created a multi-million dollar underwater lab that he somehow sucks surfers down into and then forces them to drink this soft drink that he also invented. The whole soda thing is really weird and it feels like this is some kind of alternate reality because there are Buzz Cola machines everywhere, but surfers treat soda like it’s something way out of bounds like heroin or something. No one wants to drink the stuff so Menlo has to force them to do it.

The film has a bizarre tone that ranges from wild and wacky, like when a police chief named Chief Boyardee who makes moves to the sound of ADR’d cartoon sound effects and a black principal who enters the room to people saying, “Hey, daddy-o!” in unison to straight up disturbing like when two girls who are mad that their friends are out surfing call the police and say they were raped in order to get them in trouble, only to have the cops open fire on the lifeguard hut they’re in, nearly killing them. Of course even those abnormally dark moments are a weird attempt at snagging a laugh, but none of the tones presented here are actually funny.

The “zombies” look less bred from the DNA of a Romero movie and more like castoffs from a David Bowie space-phase music video. They don’t spend their time doing anything other than ingesting weird things from motor oil to frogs and don’t actually seem like a threat. The surfers clearly run the town, just doing whatever they want whenever they want. They routinely skirt the law and spend their time in class betting on frog races while the teacher sits with his feet kicked up on his desk. They care about two things - surfing and women, and there are a lot of both in this film. In one scene, people pack into a theater to watch clips of people surfing, that is until Buzz Cola zombies eat the film reel in a scene that seemingly exists solely to pad the run time.

At about the 45 minute mark I started questioning my existence, or at least what I was doing with it. I was watching a comedy that to this point, hadn’t even made me smile once. Unfortunately, it never got better. The entire movie feels like rejected Saturday Night Live skits where not much connects and nothing really matters, interspersed with scenes of women dancing on the beach in bikinis. There was one thing that absolutely delighted me though, and that was the presence of two, yes two, Beach Boys songs. The soundtrack is pretty stacked, with Oingo Boingo, Thomas Dolby, and Talk Talk appearances, along with other Capital Records acts from the early 80’s.

The End.

The problem with Surf II isn’t its wild and wacky plot. It’s that it’s not funny and ultimately it’s really fucking boring. I can only imagine that the production of this film was fueled by cocaine and the things that made the final film looked a lot funnier while high on blow.

In usual Vinegar Syndrome fashion, the presentation looks great. Although grain-heavy, the picture was sourced from original 35mm prints. There are two cuts of the film presented here, but based on fan feedback, I watched the theatrical cut. Not sure I have the stomach for the director’s cut. There are also four different commentary tracks and an hour long documentary called The Stupidest Movie Ever Made, so I guess the supplemental materials and I are both on the same page.

Luca (2021).

“Silencio Bruno!”

Directed by Enrico Casarosa

Written by Enrico Casarosa, Jesse Andrews, and Simon Stephenson

Starring Jacob Tremblay, Jack Dylan Grazer, Emma Berman, and a Vespa

The Stage.

Guilia, a determined red-headed spark plug, vows to win the annual triathlon in her small town of Portorosso in the Italian countryside. To accomplish this, she’ll need to both beat Ercole, the perennial winner of the race, and deal with sightings of sea monsters along the coast who may not be what everyone thinks they are.

The Review.

Yawn, another good review for a Pixar movie. It’s beginning to seem like a broken record at this point, but Pixar wins again. Luca is a very sweet story about friendship and feeling good about being yourself but I think one of the things I most appreciated about this film was the seemingly small stakes. This isn’t about existentialism and it’s not tackling the human psyche - it’s just about a group of a few kids trying to win a race while trying to hide things about themselves that the town wouldn’t find acceptable. The characters are innocent, funny, and sweet. There are moments that are downright goofy in very fun ways, and the message about taking pride in who you are is a strong one - my wife and I spent a bit of time afterwards reflecting on what we thought it was trying to draw allegories to aside from the most obvious, colorful observations.

Again, it’s a Pixar movie, so it looks gorgeous. The Italian countryside pops with bright colors and everything looks very vivid. The animation style of the humans is a bit different than Soul and the way people moved was fluid and really worked for me. Perhaps the best thing about Luca is the score - I really loved the music in this film. It’s very Italian and when the film was over, I instantly jumped to my phone to add the score to my library, spinning it the next day while working.

If I had to lodge a complaint about the film, it’s that the villain is cartoonishly over the top in both how evil he is and how gleeful he seems to be evil. Villains have never been Pixar’s strong point, and there’s a poignant lack of depth to Ercole. He’s just a dick to be a dick and didn’t seem to have any human or redeeming qualities. I also found it a bit hard to believe that someone like this wouldn’t have had the shit kicked out of him by the rest of the kids in the town, considering how many of them there are, but I guess that’s just me over thinking it - this is a really good film.

The End.

So far my kid has seen Luca five or six times, and gets on his bike in the backyard pretending that he’s Luca and that I’m Alberto, so he’s clearly given it a glowing review. I’m in the same boat. It’s a small-scale story that’s full of fun moments, beautiful animation, and glorious music. Best of all, you can see Luca right now as it’s included with your Disney+ subscription. If you like Luca, check out Enrico Casarosa’s short La Luna, which is also on Disney+. As a storyteller and a filmmaker, I’m so excited to see what he continues to do with Pixar and perhaps outside of the animated world.

Drive (1997).

“That son of a bitch could eat flour and shit cupcakes.”

Directed by Steve Wang

Written by Scott Phillips

Starring Mark Dacascos, Kadeem Hardison, John Pyper-Ferguson, and Brittany Murphy

The Stage.

Toby, a cybernetically enhanced man who’s way more dangerous than his name lets on, teams up with an out of work musician as they’re hunted by hapless henchmen, a cyborg assassin, and a Kid Rock cosplayer.

The Review.

Drive’s story is about as deep as a 13-year-old’s secret journal, but it’s a lot of fun due to it’s relentless action scenes. Mark Dacascos plays Toby, a science experiment who’s been implanted with a ‘bio-engine’ which makes him faster and stronger than your average Joe. Dacascos is an accomplished martial artist, and his skills are on full display here, unless he’s falling or taking a hit, and then it clearly switches to a stunt double who has way more hair and is about a foot shorter. It’s hilariously obvious. Kadeem Hardison, aka Dwayne Wayne, plays Malik, the other half of this buddy duo. He has zero fighting skills and the movie would play out no differently without him. He’s basically here to make zany faces and spit one-liners that generally don’t land. The two work best together when there’s not much time to talk, and luckily the film moves along at a very brisk pace. One stand out scene has our two protagonists chained to together as Toby uses the hapless Malik as a weapon.

The action scenes are all pretty good and the hand-to-hand combat make exceptional use of the environment. Fights reminded me of low-budget Jackie Chan, which is definitely a compliment. I was surprised at how long some of the fight scenes went as Dacascos used anything and everything at his disposal to rid the world of faceless, mindless bad guys that must have been hired straight off of Craigslist. There are some explosions that really rock, especially one that sees an entire complex leveled.

The villains are all pretty inept, and it makes you wonder how they got hired in the first place. Aside from finding their targets, they’re not good for much else. Firing guns isn’t anyone’s strong suit in this movie, and that includes the heroes. Not one person on screen could hit a brick wall at five paces. They’re led by Vic Madison, an over-the-top caricature that looks like Kid Rock drove a motorcycle through a country western discount store and used whatever wardrobe stuck to him when he emerged on the other side. I like that he was continuously overmatched by the super soldier and never felt like he had the upper hand. The cyborg assassin only really shows up at the end of the film but you can tell the actor knows what he’s doing. One cool moment shows him flick a coin through someone’s neck. Unfortunately, the trickle of blood that rolls off of the quarter is really the only blood in the film, as the fight scenes are very PG-13. Even a scene featuring NPC’s carrying machetes that get turned on them is bloodless.

The movie is a lot of fun, but I do have two complaints. About halfway through, the two stop at a hotel run by a character named Deliverance Bodine, a name seemingly plucked from an online stupid character name generator, played by Brittany Murphy. This is two years removed from Clueless and I have to be honest, I don’t know what the fuck Murphy was doing in this role. Her character is old enough to run a hotel and feel like a love interest, but she acts like an eleven-year-old with a mental condition. As Dacascos rests to recharge, she sings and jumps on the bed like a fucking toddler trying to wake up their hung over parents and it was absolutely embarrassing.

The other complaint is the music in the film, which ranges from shitty, royalty free heavy-metal to hip-hop tracks found on the cutting room floor of the sitcom Living Single that aren’t good enough to make the background music in a Toejam and Earl video game. The movie could have felt a whole lot better without the goofy sounding music underlining every moment.

The End.

Overall, Drive was a good time. I think it would have been better if Malik was more than just a handcuff, Brittany Murphy’s character was just taken out completely, and the script had more bone-snapping and blood, but it’s still a pretty good time.

MVD did an excellent job with the Blu-ray, which features the Director’s Cut. It’s got over eight minutes of deleted scenes, a full commentary track, a long documentary, and the theatrical cut if you’re so inclined.

Shadow in the Cloud (2020).

“You have no idea how far I’ll go!”

Directed by Roseanne Liang

Written by Roseanne Liang (and Max Landis? Some of it? Maybe?)

Starring Chloe Grace-Moretz, a plane, and a gremlin

The Stage.

In World War II, an enigmatic woman boards the Fool’s Errand, a bomber plane. She’s got her arm in a sling, carries a mysterious package, and has orders from their higher-ups to join the flight. They reluctantly stick her in the bubble turret. Unfortunately, the hatch to the turret becomes stuck, leaving Maude trapped in a plastic sphere as she notices there’s a passenger on the wing that wasn’t on the manifest.

The Review.

This movie is a blast. It’s a B-movie that knows exactly what it’s doing, it’s wild and it’s a ton of fun. It’s got everything a schlock flick needs - a badass main character, a creative looking beast, and a plot that continuously goes from bad to worse as the clock ticks down.

There’s an obvious feminist slant to the film and Chloe Grace-Moretz is the perfect woman to play Maude, the mysterious woman aboard the Fool’s Errand. She’s strong, takes no shit, and will stop at nothing to protect her package. The other men aboard the plane don’t even really matter, since we’re with Maude the entire time. For the first thirty minutes, we never even leave the bubble turret as she communicates (or rather is sexually harassed and berated by) the other crew members over the radio.

In the second third of the film, it switches genres from a war film to creature feature when that shadow in the cloud rears its ugly head. The ‘gremlin’ is a large mutated bat and it looks pretty menacing. We don’t know why it wants Maude’s package, but it’s hunting season. It also gives us a few very effective jump scares as it infiltrates the airship.

Mahuia Bridgman-Cooper’s ominous, thumping synth score is awesome and had me looking for it on Apple Music minutes after the film was over. It harkens back to early-80’s Carpenter films. I loved it.

The main complaints that I’ve seen online about Shadow in the Cloud is that it’s unrealistic. This film isn’t trying to be realistic, if you’re looking for a true to life WWII film, exit the theater now. It knows it’s ridiculous and leans into it. As a genre fan, I really appreciated that. The other complaint I’ve seen is about the overt feminist slant. It obviously didn’t bother me, but if you’re a weenie with a really fragile ego, well maybe this isn’t the film for you.

Admittedly, the film takes a while to really get going, but once it does, the last half of the film is a barn burner.

I was under the impression that Roseanne Liang wrote the film, so color me surprised when I saw Max fucking Landis’s name in the credits. There are varying accounts of his actual involvement, Roseanne Liang has said that she re-wrote 90-95% of the film, while Landis says that most of what he wrote remains. The script is available online, so maybe I’ll do a comparison soon. Until then, it just seems icky that Max Landis’s name is on a film that’s so blatantly about female empowerment.

The End.

This film is not going to be for everyone, but it was certainly for me. I love it when a movie takes me on a ridiculous ride and makes no qualms about being absolutely insane. The film is a showcase for Chloe Grace-Moretz and she absolutely crushes.

While you’re at it, check out Roseanne Liang’s short film, Do No Harm. It’s about a surgeon performing a late-night surgery on a Yakuza boss when a rival gang busts into the operating room, but this surgeon isn’t letting anything get between her and her patient. It’s a really fine action short and a perfect prelude to Shadow in the Cloud. You can find it by heading to www.donoharm-film.com.

Margin Call (2011).

“It’s just money; it’s all made up.”

Directed by J.C. Chandor

Written by J.C. Chandor

Starring Kevin Spacey, Zachary Quinto, Paul Bettany, Jeremy Irons, Simon Baker, Demi Moore, and Stanley Tucci

The Stage.

Margin Call focuses on the Risk Management floor of an unnamed (coughgoldmansachscough) finance firm on the eve of the 2008 financial crisis. After a low-level analyst is passed some troubling numbers, the firm scrambles to ration with and ultimately sell off it’s debt in order to stay afloat.

The Review.

Watching this astounded me that it was J.C. Chandor’s first film. Everything about it screams “veteran work”. The script is tight and interesting, despite the fact that I could not care less about Wall Street. This isn’t a film that’s going to try to get you to feel emotion for the Wall Street suits, but it will try to make you understand why they do what they do. In the end, it’s easy to understand - greed - and it makes no attempt to disguise that.

The cast is just a bombshell of an ensemble and everyone knocks their performance out of the park. The subtleties and the details really make an impact as you learn what people have given up for the life that they’ve chosen…and while you might not feel bad for them, they do feel like fully formed characters. Unlike some Wall Street style movies, the characters here work in a gray area with people who actually have morals (to a degree) and want to do what’s right, but unfortunately, most of the time it’s what’s right for the firm and not what’s right for the greater good.

The high point of Margin Call happens in a board room with the head of the firm, John Tuld (played masterfully by Jeremy Irons), trying to understand why he’s there at 3:30am. Almost every supporting cast member is there and it provides a sense of tension that I didn’t expect. It also provides some great quotes from Tuld as he tries to shove the bullshit out of the way to grasp the implications of the situation.

The film ends on a pitch perfect note - no music, just the sound of a hole being dug, a fitting metaphor for the entire series of events that led up to that day.

It’s odd watching a film in 2021 that features Kevin Spacey in a role that’s written to seem sympathetic. His character Sam Rogers seems to care about the people on his floor. Our first glimpse of him here is an emotional scene that takes place directly after we find out that his dog is dying. In a move that’s a bit different from what you might find in typical “financial thrillers”, he actually seems broken up about it. The man has a heart, even if it’s layered under piles of cash. He seems to want what’s best for his people and their careers. Yet I found myself struggling to feel for his character, knowing who Kevin Spacey is now.

The ugliest thing here is just thinking about the world that we live in. There’s a great quote that Paul Bettany’s character Will says that really stuck with me. “The only reason that (normal people) all get to continue living like kings is cause we got our fingers on the scales in their favor. I take my hand off and then the whole world gets really fuckin' fair really fuckin' quickly and nobody actually wants that. They say they do but they don't. They want what we have to give them but they also wanna, you know, play innocent and pretend they have no idea where it came from.”

The End.

Margin Call is a fast paced look at the precipice of the 2008 financial collapse. It brings together the cutthroat lifestyle that films like Wall Street portray with the intelligence and characters reminiscent of Glengarry Glen Ross. It’s slick, well made, and an enjoyable watch. I highly recommend it.

Soul (2020).

Directed by Pete Docter

Written by Pete Docter, Mike Jones, and Kemp Powers

Starring Jamie Foxx, Tina Fey, and Graham Norton

The Stage.

A jazz musician/music teacher who feels like he has accomplished nothing in life is on the brink of death - his soul must find its way back into his body with the help of an infant soul named 22 that’s learning about themself.

The Review.

There is a lot of good to talk about when it comes to Soul. For starters, the story is very engaging and pretty original, as I have come to expect from Pete Docter films. The animation is immaculate as we’ve all come to expect from Pixar. There are some geniune laughs to be had and the soundtrack (which is a mixture of jazz arrangements by Jon Batiste and an original score by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross) is absolutely brilliant.

Grab your tissues, this one may spark some feelings, especially as 2020 comes to a close. Releasing on Christmas was the perfect time to make us stop for a minute and be thankful that we’re alive, and that life isn’t about your accomplishments, it’s simply about living.

As someone probably viewed as ‘past his prime’, still working on artistic endeavors (this blog, my show, my screenplays), and really not feeling the way some people think that I should after hitting certain milestones, that part really hit home.

There are going to be spoilers in this section, so if you haven’t seen Soul, feel free to stop reading now. You’ve been warned.

I really enjoyed this film so there’s not much to talk about here but there are a few holes in the plot that have been bugging me. First off, the movie seemed to be angling towards Joe’s true spark being teaching others. It appeared that he was really good at being a mentor. Instead, it just kind of shirks that off to the side in favor of a more general ending.

There’s also this issue of the cat. That cat really got the short end of the stick. Look at this film from the cat’s point of view. One minute, it’s sitting comfortably on a hospital bed. The next, its soul is in purgatory, headed for the afterlife. At some point, Joe’s soul is out of the cat and gets back to his body. 22’s soul is out of Joe’s body and falls down to Earth to be born. And the cat…remains soulless. If anything, we could have had a scene in which Terry corrects the mistake to give him a bit of redemption, but it never happens. Or just ignore the cat on the belt scene (which did make me laugh) and add in a joke about cats not having souls.

Shout out to Ben, Monty, and my wife for helping me flesh those thoughts out.

The New York Knicks didn’t even play on Christmas and they still got dunked on.

The End.

Another solid outing from Pete Docter. He’s now made the two most mature Pixar films in Soul and Inside Out, and I cannot wait to see what he does next. Even if the story isn’t exactly perfect, this is highly recommended and the fact that it’s on Disney+ so that we can watch it safely inside of our homes is a bonus.

Gangs of London (2020).

Created by Gareth Evans

Starring Joe Cole, Sope Dirisu, Michelle Fairley, Lucian Msamati, Paapa Essiedu, Narges Rashidi, and more

The Stage.

Gangs of London is the story of a city torn apart by the turbulent power struggles of its international gangs and the sudden power vacuum that’s created when the head of London’s most powerful crime family is assassinated. Like a more modern Game of Thrones, swapping Colm Meaney for Sean Bean, with guns and bombs instead of swords.

The Review.

The show is created by Gareth Evans (who also directed two episodes) and his focus on amazing action scenes seen in The Raid: Redemption and The Raid 2 are on full display again here. There’s exciting hand-to-hand combat and gunplay in just about every episode and they’re on par with the action scenes in major motion pictures. One scene, in particular, features a raid on a house that is absolutely stunning and could go toe to toe with films that have ten times the budget.

I really loved the power dynamics between the various families. A particular standout is Narges Rashidi as Lale, the head of a Kurdish power in London. Her ruthlessness and poise were really interesting to watch on screen. I also really loved Orli Shuka as Luan Dushaj, a ruthless gangster with a separate typical home life.

Sope Dirisu plays Elliot Finch, the audience surrogate. He’s amazing and takes on a lot of the action scenes, specifically the one on one fights, in which he’s a complete and utter badass. Bravo to him and his performance - if he’s weak, the whole show falls apart.

If you’re not big on escapism, the element of believability quickly flies out the window in this show. Episodes routinely have bodycounts of 20 or more people, and you have to be wondering when any authority would start poking into things. Even if London law enforcement was paid off, surely the deaths of hundreds would start looking a little suspicious. It didn’t bother me - in fact, I felt like Evans went this direction on purpose.

There’s also a gang that just sort of appears out of nowhere during the last few episodes (season 1 is 9 episodes long) and that felt a bit strange to me. It wasn’t a deal breaker in any way, and I actually dug that character and his gang, but it almost felt as if they were taking the place of another family that was already on the show.

The worst thing about this show is that it’s nearly impossible to watch! In the US, you’re limited to seeing it on AMC+, which is a service that I didn’t even know about until I was researching this show! The only Blu-ray release is Region B (UK), so that’s out too.

The violence on this show is brutal. BRUTAL. If you’re not into that, probably best to walk away now. In the very first episode, you get a dart put through a man’s hand (among other body parts on multiple people), a head scraped across a wall so hard it leaves blood streaks, a man who gets a glass shoved into his mouth and then gets smashed into a bar top, shattering it in his mouth, a man lit on fire while hanging from a high rise building, a person chopped up in a bathtub, and more.

Also someone gets their fingernails pulled out with pliers. This show is fucking CRAZY.

The End.

I really enjoyed the first season of Gangs of London. It definitely has the best action I’ve seen in an episodic series since Cinemax’s Banshee. If you’re looking for something action packed, relentless, brutal, with a touch of the drama that made Game of Thrones such a fun watch, you will not be disappointed. It even features a few Game of Thrones actors in Michelle Fairley (Catelyn Stark) and David Bradley (Walder Frey).

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016).

“Nobody cares about Clark Kent taking on the Batman.”

Directed by Zack Snyder

Written by Chris Terrio and David Goyer

Starring Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Jesse Eisenberg, Laurence Fishburne, Jeremy Irons, and Holly Hunter

1. (The Stage)

The events at the end of Man of Steel have left Superman’s reputation on Earth in ruins. Unfortunately, it’s also left the city of Metropolis in ruins, something Bruce Wayne simply cannot forgive. Oh, and Lex Luthor has decided to destroy mankind by creating a creature named Doomsday.

I’m obviously severely late to the BvS party, but I legitimately had zero interest in the DC cinematic universe post Nolan. I saw Man of Steel shortly after it was released on disc and didn’t love it, and I thought that Suicide Squad was one of the worst movies I saw in 2016, so I didn’t feel like there was any reason to keep going with the DCU. With the Snyder cut released, it finally struck my curiosity. I watched the Ultimate Edition, clocking in at over three hours long.

2. (The Good)

I was not expecting to have a lot of good things to say about Batman v Superman based on the critical thrashing it received, but I actually liked a lot of the elements at play. The cast was great - Jeremy Irons, Laurence Fishburne, and Holly Hunter were all top notch, but the two biggest surprises for me were Ben Affleck as Batman and Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor.

I thought Ben Affleck was a great Batman. He’s a bigger, older, jaded son of a bitch who lumbers instead of glides as he beats the shit out of people. The warehouse fight scene was especially brutal and is just the kind of fight scene I want to see Batman tear through. It was reminiscent of the Arkham video games. I know Eisenberg got a lot of flack for his portrayal as Lex Luthor, but I thought his quirky, maniacal turn as Luthor was interesting and brought a much needed energy to the film when he was on screen.

Some of the action scenes were really cool, like seeing the end of Man of Steel from the perspective of normal human beings. The film also raises some interesting questions about how the world might deal with a powerful alien being coming into town to save the day. Unfortunately, the film doesn’t really explore those ideas in a meaningful way, even though it tries to reckon with it in the beginning.

The score by Hans Zimmer and Junkie XL was pretty sweet too. I can see myself putting some of these tracks on my work playlist.

3. (The Bad)

This script is bad. So much of it makes no sense and it’s so convoluted. I still have no idea what Lex Luthor was doing or how Doomsday fit into any of this. The first hour of the film feels like loosely connected vignettes instead of a coherent plot. I almost gave up on the film about thirty minutes in.

The film also has a big problem with how it chooses to portray Superman. I’m cool with tweaks to characters, but the appeal of Superman is that he’s always been this beacon of hope, the good in humanity. In this film, he’s a brooding, whiny madman. The other problem with how Superman is treated comes down to selective use of his powers. The man consistently races The Flash - that’s how fast he is. Yet when it’s convenient, he runs at Batman with the speed of a normal man, because the plot needs it to happen in order for him to take a kryptonite bullet to the face. This happens in the desert fight with Batman as well. He’s surrounded by ten men with machine guns, yet they all let him get close enough to beat them to smithereens when they could be shooting at a distance. I guess that one was a dream sequence, so it didn’t have to make complete sense.

In fact, most of the things in this film just sort of happen because the plot needs it to happen in order to get from point A to point B. People don’t act like actual human beings. There’s a scene in which Lois Lane needs to get to Wayne Manor. The exchange is something along the lines of:

Lois: “I need to use the helicopter.”

Boss: “You don’t need the helicopter for a story.”

Lois: “It’s not for a story.”

Boss: “GET HER A HELICOPTER, NOW!”

What boss would do that? No one fucking talks in this film! In fact, if a few people had actual conversations, the whole plot would have been unraveled in no time. Then again, no one at the Daily Planet seems very smart since they can’t recognize that Clark Kent is Superman simply because he’s wearing the ultimate disguise that is…a pair of eye-glasses.

I also should mention that I’m just not a fan of Zack Snyder’s visual style. While there are some cool shots in the film, everything feels so manufactured by CGI. I never felt like I was brought along into a convincing world that was lived in. The fight scene with Doomsday was especially irksome, as the constant CGI hits held absolutely no weight. I never felt like anyone was in actual danger.

My last complaint is about the appearance of Wonder Woman. She really doesn’t have much to do here aside from dropping little hints (read: mini-trailers) about the other Justice League members until she just sort of pops in at the end to help wrangle Doomsday. Her appearance was ruined in the trailer, which could have been a cool reveal.

4. (The Ugly)

The whole movie was so ugly. Everything was dark, drab, and gloomy. There was very little color in the film. It was depressing.

I have also heard a lot of complaints about Batman killing people in this film, which raised an eyebrow from me at first as well. Clearly this isn’t meant to be the Bale Batman, this is the Frank Miller Batman who has no real issues with killing bad people. I think this could have been better established however. First, cut out the goddamn origin story from the first shots of the film. We know how Batman became Batman. Your audience is smart, they get it. Second, make Affleck look older. He looks the same age as Bale.

5. (The End)

Batman v Superman is a messy film but not one without its merits. I think that the parts are greater than it’s sum. At three hours long, I doubt I’ll ever watch it again, but I can’t say that it was a horrendous film. Affleck made a great Batman and Eisenberg was an interesting cross between Mark from The Social Network and the Joker. I would be up for seeing more of them in the future.

Soul Man (1986).

“There’s something I have to tell you…I’m black.”

Directed by Steve Miner

Written by Carol Black

Starring C. Thomas Howell, Rae Dawn Chong, and Darth Vader

The Stage.

Mark, an entitled rich kid, tears open his application letter from Harvard Law School and sees that both he and his best friend have been accepted. Unfortunately, Mark’s father is making him pay his own way, so he does what any sane privileged white kid would do - goes black face to snag a scholarship.

The Review.

Where do I even start? C. Thomas Howell has defended his involvement in this film, saying that it has “…very deep messages”, “…is very funny” and that Soul Man is an “important movie”, and I am here to tell you that none of those statements are true. Look no further than the fact that it was directed by the very white Steve Miner and written by white writer Carol Black, creator of the Wonder Years, a show on which the blackest thing was her last name. I highly doubt anyone looked to them as the shining beacon of the black experience in America.

It goes without saying that this movie is offensively racist, but if you need quick proof of that, look no further than the marketing itself. Posters feature C. Thomas Howell, who pulls off being black just about as good as I pull off being a good movie reviewer, with hook lines that say things like, “Guess who’s coming to college?” as if it was strange to see a smart black person, or “He didn’t give up, he got down”, which is only less offensive if you think “he got down” means that because he’s now black, he’s a good dancer or something, and only elevates its offensiveness if you look at the phrase “he got down” as the poster giving us some kind of social metaphor.

Now I know what you’re thinking, how is Mark going to pull off black face for a whole college career? We’re talking four years of reapplying makeup or something, right? Wrong. The writer wanted Mark black right away, so he overdoses on experimental tanning pills. Yes, that’s how he turns black. Even more insane is that everyone at Harvard Law is fooled by this. Julia Louis-Dreyfus, someone he literally went to high school with, is basically the infant you used to play peek-a-boo with, putting your hands over your face as the dumb baby was like, “WAIT WHERE THE FUCK DID HE GO?” grew up, somehow got into Harvard, and went, “WAIT WHERE THE FUCK DID MARK GO?” These are the people handling your trials, ladies and gentlemen. This right here is why OJ went free.

There’s this side story about Mark falling in love with Sarah Walker, played by Rae Dawn Chong. You know that it’s arching towards that moment of truth that all romantic comedies have, where the main character comes clean. For most movies, it’s “I’m sorry, I made a bet that I could turn your nerdy ass into the prom queen, but I actually love you now that you’re hot and/or I got to know you”, or “I’m sorry, I’m the one that was trying to put your company out of business, but I actually love you now that you’re hot and/or I got to know you”, but of course in Soul Man, the hammer you’re waiting to drop is, “Hey, guess what, I’m not black.” Adding to the embarrassment is Edward James Olmos, a law professor who you’ll stare at thinking, “How do you not know, dude?”

Of course the movie tries to tackle racism in the most overt, ham-fisted way possible. Take two characters we’ll call Goofus and Goofus, who’s entire role in the film is to walk around and make offensive jokes about black people. We only see them when Mark is within ear shot, but I guess we’re led to believe that these two racist pricks just walk around telling thousands of black jokes a day. Don’t forget being racially profiled and tossed in jail, or the landlord not wanting them to move in because a Harvard Law student is, *gulp*, black, as if African Americans weren’t living in Boston until the 90’s. And how can I forget the hilarious scene in which Mark is picked first in basketball because all black people are good at sports, and then disappoints his team when it appears that he’s never even seen a basketball in his life as he flails and flops around the court like Lebron James trying to coax a foul call from the referee because a fly landed on his head during a three-point shot.

I haven’t even mentioned the character of Whitney, played by Melora Hardin who most people will probably know as Jan Levinson from The Office. Long before she started her thriving candle business, she was sleeping with Mark. Moments after their first roll in the hay, she exclaims, “I could really feel 400 years of anger and oppression with every pelvic thrust!” and then laments that the “black men have bigger dicks” stereotype isn’t true. She also takes him home for dinner one night, as her family has visions of him in the most basic stereotypes imaginable. The mother sees him as some kind of jungle warrior who hunts for white women as you all but see her chair drenched in sweat and mucus. Her kid brother sees him as Prince, because, you know…being from Boston, Prince is the only black person he’s ever seen, and the father, Leslie Nielson, just goes full racist in his vision, featuring Mark dressed in a pimp costume, calling Whitney a bitch and a slut, all while scarfing down a slice of watermelon.

The End.

Soul Man isn’t just offensive, it’s insulting. To see C. Thomas Howell still out here defending a role that Ralph Macchio turned down is baffling, both because the role is racist as shit and because Ralph Macchio will accept just about anything evidenced by his role in Karate Kid Part III.

In 2021, you won’t leave this film with the brand new realization of, “Wow, black people sure have it rough!” because you already know that without having to see overblown Irish stereotypes beating up a black person because their softball team just lost to a team of them, and my guess is that in 1986, it would have been no different.

Soul Man is tasteless, devoid of laughs, and anyone defending it as some mind blowing portrait of the black American experience is just stupid.

Winterbeast (1986).

“There’s no danger up here, just some assholes who are making it!”

Directed by Christopher Thies

Written by Christopher Thies

Starring Tim R. Morgan, Mike Magri, Charles Majka, a few others who you’ve never seen before and won’t see again, and Play-doh.

The Stage.

Weird stuff is going on in the woods around the Wild Goose ski lodge. Three cops are investigating the happenings, but the owner of the lodge refuses to shut down for the winter because it’s bad for business. Unfortunately for the visitors, the Native American curse that haunts the area is bad for everyone.

The Review.

This movie is wild. It feels like something my friends and I could have shot in high school if we had a summer to mess around and access to a couple of adults for the lead roles that would happily take beer and naps as payment.

I’ve seen movies that were low budget before, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Blu-ray released for anything produced with the budget line listed as, “Whatever you can find in the couch cushions and on your walk to the set.” Actors are regularly flubbing lines which were just kept in the film anyway, the creature just changes wildly from scene to scene, and the editing is atrocious. All this to say, the movie is oddly endearing simply because of how small scale it feels.

The creature effects are insane. They range from people in costumes to full on stop motion claymation. In one scene, a topless damsel in distress looks out of her cabin window and the next, we cut to a claymation version of what I can only describe as Dollar General Groot, who reaches into the window, pulls out a Play-Doh version of the topless woman, and smacks her into the side of a clay house with a thud. I have seen student films that put this one to shame in regards to the production value. There are also full scenes with the music track going where you can see people speaking but you can’t hear anyone speaking, as if they forgot to layer that audio back in.

The story is one you’ve seen a million times, heck, we just kind of saw a similar story in my recent review of The Fear. Curses have been done to death and there’s nothing new in the story here. The characters are all horrendous actors but the guy who plays the lodge owner is particularly funny. If you’ve seen Wet Hot American Summer, I have to believe that Michael Showalter had somehow seen this and channeled the performance into his turn as the comedian who kicks off the camp talent show, because it is spot on what this dude was doing. Like I said, actors are misspeaking and flubbing lines and they’re just left in - at one point I had to rewind a bit to make sure I wasn’t going crazy.

The End.

Winterbeast is fascinating simply because it was released. As rough as everything is, there’s a quality about it that’s really fun to watch because you literally have no idea what’s coming next. The monster is a claymation alien one minute, and the next it’s a skull (that’s clearly a puppet) bursting out of somoene’s chest or a dinosaur clawing the top of a house. I find it impressive that the filmmakers just didn’t care and used whatever they had access to.

This one will be tough to find on its own. Vinegar Syndrome released this as part of their Homegrown Horrors set, and unfortunately, this is the best of the bunch. The disc is absolutely packed with special features (of which I have not yet been able to dive in) and it’s crazy that they were able to get some of these folks back for interviews because they’ve never been in anything else.

The Mitchells vs. The Machines (2021).

“Behold! The twilight of man!”

Directed by Mike Rianda and Jeff Rowe

Written by Mike Rianda and Jeff Rowe

Starring Abbi Jacobson, Danny McBride, Maya Rudolph, Mike Rianda, and the iRobots

The Stage.

A dysfunctional, argumentative family finds themselves needing to work together after a tech designer accidentally ignites the robot apocalypse. It’s basically a kid’s version of the first day of Skynet becoming sentient.

The Review.

When you have a three year old, you jump on Netflix and you just scroll through a bevy of films, but once one catches your kid’s eye, to quote Kyle Reese from the above mentioned Terminator, it can’t be bargained with, it can’t be reasoned with, it doesn't feel pity or remorse or fear, and it absolutely will not stop... EVER, until he’s watching Puppy Pals! So when The Mitchells vs The Machines caught his eye, I didn’t have high hopes…and then I saw the producers. Our savior Lord and Miller! Purveyors of great films like Into the Spider-Verse and The Lego Movie? Could they come through again?

Heck yeah they did. This movie rules. I had so much fun with this film, way more than my kid did. There’s a lot here to love, every part of this film works. The characters are fantastic and full of life, even down to the dog. The music is great. The animation is beautiful and varied with a unique style reminiscent of Into The Spider-Verse, but still it’s own. The story is a grand adventure that builds in scope. If you’ve seen a kids film before, you’ll know where it’s heading, but the ride is so fun and has a lot of unexpected twists. It’s funny - like, really funny, to the point that I was hard laughing at several parts, and as you’d expect, it’s got a ton of heart. Simply put, this movie is amazing. I’m not sure if I like it more than Into the Spider-Verse, but it’s close. Mike Rianda and Jeff Rowe wrote and directed the film and I cannot wait to follow them to see what they come up with next.

The End.

What else can I say about The Mitchells vs. The Machines? It has something for everyone. It even has a Kill Bill reference for Lord’s sake. If you have kids, watch it with the family. If you don’t, watch it anyway. It’s hard to imagine this not being in my top 10 at the end of the year.

The Cellar (1989).

“He’s watering a damn tractor.”

Directed by Kevin Tenney

Written by some guy who never wrote again but produced four porn movies

Starring Patrick Kilpatrick, Chris Miller, Suzanne Savoy, a baby, and an indian who waters tractors

The Stage.

This creature doesn’t even have a back half.

The Cashen family buys a house in the middle of nowhere not knowing that an Indian put a curse on the place a long time ago that makes snot bubble up out of the ground and created a mutated warthog that chills in the cellar. Willy, their young son who looks like he was yanked directly from the back page of a 1988 Mervyns catalog, tries to make everyone understand that there’s a monster in the house…but by the time they believe him, will it be too late?

The Review.

Me, trying not to turn this off 30 minutes in.

Can you imagine how boring being stuck in the middle of the Texas desert with nothing to do but watch the sand blow around would be? My guess is that it would be just as entertaining as watching The Cellar. I’ve been underwhelmed with many of Vinegar Syndrome’s recent releases but this one was absolutely painful to get through.

None of the characters are interesting. Patrick Kilpatrick plays Mance, the patriarch of the family who’s dealing with the fact that he never sees his kid because he works somewhere drilling for oil or something. He looks like the stunt double for WCW’s Psycho Sid, but at least Sid had some skills on the stick. Mance is just plain dull. His wife is essentially useless and is more used as a baby-holding mechanism once in a while. Willy is your typical annoying “gee-whiz” kid that you’ll hate right off the bat because he likes the Houston Astros, and the other side characters that pop in and out are generally forgettable save for Tommy Boatwright, a teen who probably wasn’t written as someone that’s mentally challenged, but certainly acts like it. Luckily Tommy’s not on screen much, but when he is, you’ll have to fight the urge to turn your TV off. Speaking of, wait until Mance goes to a general store to buy a literal zip-loc bag of like 18 bullets, and you meet the store clerk, who delivers this gem:

“I’ll bet I know what those are for, I bet I do! You’re gonna go huntin’, right? You’re gonna go huntin’!”

And yes, that girl is running a cash register.

I was really hoping for a double knockout in this scene.

Now, I’ll be honest, I was glossing over with boredom about thirty minutes into this pile of shit, so I don’t know if the rules of this Indian curse just soared right over my head, but I’m going to give it a shot anyway. Long ago, an Indian put a curse on the land or the house or something, and if you take a spear out of the ground, bubbly goo starts to come out. It also comes out of the floorboards in the house once in a while, which is weird because there’s a cellar underneath the floorboards, but who cares. There’s also a warthog thing in the basement that isn’t really effective anyway but it comes out once in a while. The creature design is fine, but we only see the front half of it because it’s clearly a person crawling around in a suit. It can also hang out underwater I guess. If you’re gearing up with an email response to explain it all to me, don’t, because I don’t care.

The End.

omg it’s finally over

This movie was hot garbage. I saw a lot of excitement online about this one and I just do not understand it. It’s boring, has very little gore, uninteresting characters, an unremarkable setting, and it just isn’t fun.

The disc looks good and it has a commentary, but the most interesting feature on the disc is making-of documentary called, “From Chicken Shit to Chicken Salad”. I guess I’m still looking for the salad, because all I see…is shit.